Today’s Gnome Workout! – Start today in a healthy way with our health & fitness coach!


It’s Monday morning, you lazy sons of bitches!

Shake that pixie dust outta your eyes ‘cuz it’s time to EXERCISE!


    • GOAL: Lose gnome fat
    • WORKOUT TYPE: Full gnome body
    • TRAINING LEVEL: Hardcore
    • EQUIPMENT: Bike, shoes, swimwear
    • TARGET GENDER: Male and female


    • CIRCUIT#1: BIKE 40 MILES. Pedal, pedal, pedal like you’re being chased by an evil troll. You never know when this will actually happen.
    • CIRCUIT #2: WEIGHTLIFTING! If you don’t push that bar above your head it will smash you. I suggest pushing up that bar.
  • Circuit #3: Swimming. May I suggest swimming in beer for extra motivation!?

Sweatin’ to the oldies,
Rj Simmons, Jr. The Heath & Fitness Coach Gnome

An Index of Unique Gnome Collectibles!


Ever wonder how we manage to decorate The Gnome Abode with such awesome gnomish collectible items (which tend come alive and turn into new best friends)? Well, wonder no more!

1. Gnome kite – $26 at Yozingo –

 2. Gnome jewelry – various Ebay sellers –

3. Gnome salt & pepper shakers – $13.99 on Amazon –

4. Gnome cross stitch iPhone case – Free at Craftsy –

5. Gnome Kleenex box and gnome earbuds – Monkey See Monkey Do, Austin, TX –

 6. Gnome dishes – $15-48 at P.O.S.H. –

7. Gnome crochet hat – $30 Serviss Etsy Shop –

 8. Gnome 3D cake pan -$35 at Fancy Flours –

 9. Gnome board games – $25.99 at Board Game Geek –

10. Gnome paper cutouts – Free at 3 Eyed Bear-

11. Gnome skeletons – $39-54 at Skymall

 12. Gnome cookie cutters – $8 at Fancy Flours –

Happy shopping and happy freaking Friday!!!
X’smores The Gnome

Peso’s Spanish/English Review of Freemont Brewery (Seattle, WA)

ENGLISH TRANSLATION (with pictures!)

Hey guys, Peso here. I’ve been hanging out with Zookwinkle a lot lately. He’s a ‘travel gnome’ and I’m a ‘travel monkey’. So you see, it kinda works out.

He’s a way better writer than I am, but I have stuff to say too. It’s mostly in Spanish, so Zook helped me with the translation. So hooray! Monkeys!

I’ve recently started drinking beer! Hooray! Drinking beer helps me get along with Zookwinkle when he gets on my nerves.

We traveled to Seattle together and stopped for beer at the Freemont Brewery. They told us that Prohibition had ended…ended at last! What great news! Hooray!

We bought something called a “growler“. It didn’t really growl at all actually. I was surprised they even sold it to us. But they did, and it was filled with beer. Hooray!

This is what we got a growler of, the Dark Star Oatmeal Stout. It was delicious!

Dark Star Imperial Oatmeal Stout Roasty, chocolate tones swirled with oatmeal smoothness and dark as the night. The Dark Star crashes, pouring its light into ashes, so follow as the Lady of Velvet in the nights of goodbye. This one is too smooth…and at 8.0% ABV, dangerous.

Down & Dirty: 2-Row, Roast Barley, Crystal-60, Chocolate, & Carafa-2 malts with Flaked Oats and Magnum, Wilamette & Cascade hops. 8.0% ABV


The brewery had fun games for monkeys to play and ride on! Playgrounds are one of my favorite things ever!

Zookwinkle is poking me in the ear and telling me to wrap up this post because I’m getting off topic. What’s a topic?








Hola chicos, Peso aquí. He estado saliendo con Zookwinkle mucho últimamente. Es un “viaje gnome ‘y yo soy un” mono de viaje “. Así que ya ves, es algo funciona.

Él es un escritor mucho mejor que yo, pero tengo cosas que decir también. Es sobre todo en español, así que Zook me ayudó con la traducción. Así que ¡Hurra! Monkeys!

Recientemente he comenzado a beber cerveza! ¡Hurra! Beber cerveza ayuda a llevarse bien con Zookwinkle cuando se pone de los nervios.

Viajamos a Seattle y se detuvo junto a la cerveza en la cervecería Freemont. Nos dijeron que la Prohibición había terminado … terminado por fin! Qué gran noticia! ¡Hurra!

Compramos algo que se llama un “gruñón”. En realidad no gruñido nada en realidad. Me sorprendió que incluso se lo vendió a nosotros. Pero lo hicieron, y que estaba lleno de cerveza. ¡Hurra!

Esto es lo que nos dieron un gruñón de la Estrella Oscura Stout Imperial. Estaba delicioso!

La cervecería tiene juegos divertidos para jugar y monos cabalgando! Parques infantiles son una de mis cosas favoritas!

Zookwinkle me está metiendo en la oreja y me dijo para concluir este post porque me estoy saliendo del tema. ¿Qué es un tema?



How to Smuggle an Undocumented Gnome Across a Border


Just ask Zookwinkle! He recently snuck across the Canadian border and back with no official documentation whatsoever! As you may remember, Sheldon is the only gnome in The Abode with a passport. He plays it old school. Zook’s something of a renegade.

Here’s his advice on how to brake all sorts of international laws and not get busted:

1. Surround yourself with lots of distracting and cuddly creatures while going through border check. Hold really still so the agent thinks you’re just a toy.

 2. Hitch a ride on a freight train. Border patrol never checks boxcars that smell really nasty, so pick one of those to set up camp.

3. Submit paperwork that has nothing to do with immigration to confuse everyone. Peso helped me complete and notarize this beer tasting form, which was way more fun to fill out anyway.

4.  Bring a bodyguard with you wherever you go. Scary black birds generally do the trick. No one dares mess with me when this beast got my back.

This dude is my hero.

Admirably yours,
Pablo The Gnome

How do we keep our hats so pointy?


Yep, we get that question all the time. Humans seem to think that our hats come to a natural point with no effort whatsoever.

Ha! Wouldn’t that just be delightful!

Just like you, we have to primp and prep before we leave the house. Not only do we have to iron our shirts, comb our beards, and wash our hands….we also have to sharpen our hats!

Check me out here sharpening my otherwise naturally dull green hat.

Hat sharpeners come in all shapes and sizes, for all shapes and sizes of gnomes! Check out Richard Simmons Jr. sharpening his tiny red hat.

And here’s Ceasar with his sharpener…ready for another grueling day in the office.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Hey Horace! Whatsup?! Aren’t those just pencil sharpeners?”



What stupid thoughts you have.

Here’s some weird gnome from Seattle who submitted a photo of himself with his sharpener to be featured in this article. Apparently, gnomes halfway across the country use the same kind of green sharpeners that we do!

I hope you’ve enjoyed this little insight into our world of sharp hats this evening.

Farethewell silly humans,
Horace The Gnome