Monthly Archives: October 2012

1986 Tom Clark “Pumpkin” Gnome Lady Joins The Abode!

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We at The Gnome Abode welcome all gnomes to join us, even gnomes as old as dirt. 1986 is pretty old, don’t you think? And really….in gnome years, that’s more like 1486.

Without further ado, allow me to introduce you all to The Abode’s newest resident! Hmm. She doesn’t have a name yet. It’s hard to introduce someone who doesn’t have a name.

Anyway. She is part of the “Pumpkin” collection and was sculpted in 1986 by master gnome creator, Tom Clark!

Look! She’s authentic! Not even I have proof of my creator or when I was created. These are deep philosophical questions that I don’t want to get wrapped up in right now though.

She even came with her own money! Now that’s what I call a responsible lady gnome….one who can take care of herself. Sure sure, it’s only a penny. But that had to be worth millions in 1986!

We are taking suggestions for what to name her. So fire away with your best ideas!

She’s the first Tom Clark gnome to join the clan and we’re really excited to welcome such a historical figure into our home. Tom Clark is a master artist and sculptor and the lead artist for Cairn Studio, LTD. Hard-to-find collections of Tom Clark gnomes are sold from a variety of vendors, such as Yukon Shop and The Knot Hole Station LTD.

The welcome party for our new nameless pumpkin lady will be held TONIGHT! 8pm sharp in the living room! BYOB pumpkin beer! Alcoholic pumpkin ice cream will also be served 🙂

Co-Chairman of the Welcoming Committee,
The Book of Genesis, The Gnome

NOW AVAILABLE: International Gnome Club Newsletter – 3rd Edition of 2012

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Hey guys!

I was so delighted to find the latest edition of the International Gnome Club newsletter in my inbox when I opened up my email this morning!

Check it out! – GnomeNewsIsssue3-2012

We at The Gnome Abode don’t have access to very many international print newspapers yet, so we really rely upon the news in these newsletters that come several times a year.

In case you’re pressed for time today, here’s a few highlights:

  1. Gnomers Day is December 1st! What are YOU doing to celebrate? Tons of ideas are listed in here!
  2. Order your gnome Christmas cards and 2013 calendar now! Promote Jesus day and know what day Jesus day is!
  3. Printable gnome banner inside!
  4. Collectible item gift ideas galore!

We always welcome article suggestions for upcoming gnome club newsletters. Let us know if you have any!

Interested in becoming a member of the International Gnome Club? Oh c’mon, sure you are! Joining is easy! Check out this link!

Your Awesome Gnome Librarian,
The Quick Brown Fox, The Gnome

Gearing Up For Halloween in The Gnome Abode

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In case you weren’t aware, we gnomes LOVE Halloween! In fact, we’re practically obsessed with it and in an unhealthy way.

Just like humans, gnome celebrate Halloween in different ways. Tabitha celebrates Halloween by collecting, carving, and posing with a many pumpkins as possible. Check out the little one on her shoulder! Awwww….how cute, right?!

Other gnomes take a more gory approach to Halloween. Check out the Lady of Mt. Goom with her glass skull vile full of blood. I know she’s supposed to be an oracle or something, but she just creeps me the hell out.

Speaking of creeped out, apparently there’s a new zombie gnome on the loose in The Abode. One of them rose from the dead last week and well, here we go again! Ugh they’re so disgusting…

Still other gnomes go a simpler route to celebrate. Pictured here is Fernando LeBeef (The Gnome Abode’s bathroom attendant) with his Halloween glow-in-the-dark hand soap. Personally, I’m not so sure about glow-in-the-dark soap. Could glowing gnome skin really be safe?!

Other gnomes see Halloween as an opportunity to broaden their social circle and make new friends. Pictured here is Humps making his introduction to a bizarre skeleton creature who dances to the hokey pokey. I don’t understand it. You’ll have to ask Humps about this one, okay?

And last but certainly not least, here’s how I celebrate Halloween! By dressing up in costumes! I LOVE COSTUMES! You may remember my pink bunny costume and my yellow raincoat costume from my profile pics. Well it’s witch time, bitches!!!

We have many more preparations to take care of before the 31st, but we are well on our way to make this the most spooktacular Halloween these gnomes have ever seen!

Stay tuned for more creepy stuff,
Alfredo the Gnome

P.S. – Send us candy.

Gnomes Behind Bars: Hard time for hard crimes

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Most of us gnomes at The Abode spend our time in bars. You know, the ones with rows and rows of liquor bottles, endless shots, and if you’re lucky….a pool table. The fun kind!

Other gnomes aren’t quite so fortunate. They spend their lives BEHIND bars instead of INSIDE THEM. Sucks to be them, right?!

It’s a little known fact that gnomish society has a prison in each providence. The nearest prison to The Gnome Abode is located at the corner of North Avenue and Oakley Avenue. While passing by today to get my shoes shined at the local cobbler shop, I had to pass by the local prison.

Check out this poor sap. Pushing a wheelbarrow. Surrounded by weeds and ceramic sculptures. And behind bars.

I don’t know what this bastard did to deserve such a punishment, but it must have been something horrendous. Gnomes fairly uphold the truth and the law in all circumstances. Except when we’re drunk, of course.

Stay out of trouble this weekend, kiddos.

Sincerely,
SpeakNoGnome The Gnome

Are Gnomes descendants of Chinese demons from the Tang Dynasty?

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If you happened to read yesterday’s blog post, you know that Horace went to an art museum and stole a bunch of stuff. Good for him! Anyway, last night around the dinner table, he was telling me about something really disturbing that he found during his theft expedition.

Chinese demons of the Tang Dynasty.

Check ’em out. REALLY check ’em out. Don’t they kinda sorta look like gnomes?!

I always thought of myself as a white dude gnome with a good soul. But are all of us really part Chinese?

AND PART DEMON!?!?

This is crazy disturbing. These demons hung out from in 600’s to the 900’s AD and apparently were pretty hardcore.

The Oxford Dictionary of Asian Mythology says:
Demons or gui, are prevalent in the Chinese mythological world. Gui also refers to the secondary soul that is separated from the higher  soul (hun) at death. The superior soul becomes spirit (shen), and  if not treated properly in a ritualistic sense, gui can become a ghost or bad demon. Important demons are Chiyou,  who fought against the Yellow Emperor, Huangdi (see Chiyou, Huangdi); Gonggong  (see Gonggong), who  destroyed one of the pillars of the world with his enormous horn, causing  turmoil on earth; and the Four Evils, which any new sovereign had to over-come  upon assuming rule.

Are there any gnome religious leaders out there? Anyone?! I have so many questions and don’t know where to turn!

Scared to be a demon,
DoorsOpenOnTheLeftAtClarkAndLake the Gnome