Monthly Archives: November 2012

Gnome of the Day Blog Declared “Brilliant!”

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So apparently, this company called Get Fresh Designs, features a GNOME OF THE DAY on their website!

Here at The Gnome Abode, we like to think that every day is every gnomes’ day. Regardless, we can totally get behind this daily gnome recognition blog.

Get Fresh Designs’ Gnome of the Day Blog

Today’s featured gnome is one with tattoos smoking a cigarette. Yesterday featured a lantern carrier hiding in a shrubbery. The day before was a “fist bumping” gnome (what exactly does a fist bump accomplish, anyway?).

The world takes all types, I suppose.

Happy Friday everyone!
Lurleen Lumpkin Sitting on a Pumpkin, The Gnome

 

Lady Gnome Loses Head On Black Friday (Official GPD Police Report)

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Gnome Police Department Case Number: GNO0504013462

Incident: Loss of head

Location: Mushroom Top Bridal Shoppe

Reporting Officer: Lt. Speak No Gnome

Date of Report: 23 November 2012

Photograph in Evidence: Exhibit 1, below

At approximately 1040 hours on 23rd November 2012, I arrived upon the scene at Mushroom Top Bridal Shoppe at 61 South Beardly Drive. An anonymous 911 call was placed due to a public dispute involving “Black Friday” retail shopping.

A witness at the scene reported that alleged victim, Tabitha, was trampled while attempting to pull a wedding gown from a rack to try it on. The incident is alleged to have occurred at approximately 1010 hours.

Another witness  stated that Tabitha seemed blissfully unaware of her surroundings in the moments leading up to the incident in question. No witnesses can yet be named due to the horrific nature of this investigation.

A third unnamed witness reported that gnomes were carrying guns, shovels, and other forms of garden weaponry inside the bridal store at the time of the incident. This witness further reported that alleged victim, Tabitha, was seen entering the store with a head on her shoulders. However, her head was separated from her body as a result of the incident under investigation.

I conducted a survey of the crime scene and found several items of evidence. I collected samples of broken ceramic, an empty bag of Cheetos, and a shoestring.

I obtained a sworn statements from the above noted witnesses and  provided them with the case number and department information.

The alleged victim, Tabitha, remains in critical condition at the Gnome General Hospital (GGH). Additional information will be made available to the public once further further investigation is complete. No public questions will be answered on the record at this time. Thank you.

Signed,
/s/Lt. Speak No Gnome

Free Solo Climbing in the Gnomish Wilderness

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AND NOW….a series of totally tubular (semi-professional) pics from my most recent climbing excursion to Mount Plaid!

Nope, there’s no ropes in sight! Yeah, that’s really dangerous. That’s the way I rock it. I know I’m amazing, but I love to hear it again and again.

Not only did I find myself to be amazing, I was also amazed about how natural rock has gotten so much more colorful recently. Is this a result of gnomish pollution? (Where’s our environmental protection guy for comment?)

Fan mail welcome! Private lessons can be reserved via blog post comment!

Your fitness guru,
Rj Simmons Jr., The Gnome

Evan Gelical Creates New Gnome Religion

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There has been a call for a gnome religion. I am here to answer that call. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Evan Gelical, The Gnome.

I used to be just like you…ordinary, simple-minded, lost. After a spiritual pilgrimage to the Shawnee National Forest, I have discovered that I am actually a religious prophet!

What is a spiritual pilgrimage, you ask? Good question! A pilgrimage is a life-changing and spiritually invigorating experience, typically involving a journey to a holy site to perform a set of rites.

Before my journey, I consulted Beliefnet, which gave me 10 tips on how to perform a spiritual pilgrimage. Oh you want me to share them with you? Well okay then…sure!

1. Choose your destination

2. Declare your intention to go

3. Prepare physically

4. Prepare mentally

5. Inform family and friends

6. Keep realistic expectations of your journey

7. Give yourself up to your pilgrimage

8. Deal with reality upon your return

9. Keep the momentum going with moderation

10. Revisit your pilgrimage from home

What did I do on MY pilgrimage? Another good question!

Well, I walked a lot. I mean, A LOT. I carried around huge backpack and a creature-catching net for protection. I endured torrential downpours of rain, death-defying wind storms, and the gloom of night.

I ate a lot of wild mushrooms. I engaged in ancient hanging rituals involving a noose and a tree. I sweat profusely. I eliminated all toxins from my body to allow the spirits of the enchanted forest to enter my veins.

I became exhausted. I didn’t eat or drink for days…not even beer. The hair of my beard started to fall out. My eyesight faded to black. I couldn’t stop crying.

I screamed into the nothingness above me until I heard something scream back at me. The voice that returned my call was terrifying. The voice told me that gnomes have a great and meaningful purpose in this life and there is an immediate need for a spiritual leader in gnomish society.

I don’t remember much after hearing these words. Apparently, some hunters found me unconscious and I woke up in GGH (Gnome General Hospital). I’m stuck here for a few days while under observation, so I’m sketching out a few religious tenets to distribute to you all in a pamphlet.

Stay tuned to find the path to spiritual enlightenment and a life of fulfillment and meaning!

Oh hey nurse, could I get some more applesauce, please?

Your highly-anticipated gnomish spiritual leader,
Evan Gelical, The Gnome

Black Friday Causes Gnomes to Contemplate the Afterlife

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Some gnomes think about shopping on Friday. Other gnomes think about eating leftovers. Call me morbid if you will…but today, I’m thinking of death.

There’s loads of gnome literature out there, but I’ve never seen anything to address questions about what happens to gnomes after they die. Why has nothing been written?! I can’t be the first gnome to have these questions!

My questions  have begun to overwhelm me and I feel the black cloud of Black Friday slowly closing in. Perhaps the approaching “Gnomepocalypse” (December 21st, 2012) is has something to do with it as well.

I consulted my go-to spot, Yahoo Answers, but these seem to apply to only humans. Some of them seem to believe in heaven and hell, some in reincarnation, and some in nothing at all. But what are gnomes supposed to believe in?

There is a serious religious void in our gnomish society. Are there any gnome prophets out there who are able to shed some light upon this blackest of Black Fridays?

Listening to emo music and resorting to poetry in the meantime,
Maurice The Gnome