Monthly Archives: January 2013

Grow Your Own Gnome?! Preposterous!

Posted on by
Reply

 

You’ll never believe what I came across in the supermarket checkout line today. A packaged toy proclaiming to “grow” gnomes.

grow1

Well let me tell you something. Gnomes do NOT grow from packages. We are born…popped out of vaginas just like you after our gnomish mommies and daddies get it on. This is a total hoax, so don’t you go on a minute believing it.

Although I hated monetarily supporting such a fraudulent manufacturing company, I just HAD to buy one and see what kind of “gnome” would allegedly “grow”. The back of the package said to put the tiny creature into water and it would grow 600 times its size.

600 times!? This doesn’t sound healthy at all! How would you like to get 600 times fatter in just three days?!

grow2

Naturally, my curiosity got the better of me. I put the lil’ bugga in some water. The water was contained in a yellow gnome bowl. Naturally.

Three days have now passed…hence my blog post. I covered my eyes as I walked to the kitchen to see what monstrosity lie in the bowl. This is what i found, staring back at me.

grow3

It hasn’t moved any and it hasn’t said a word to me. I don’t know what to make of this so-called gnome, but I don’t trust it.

Should I stab it repeatedly? Should I nurse it back to it’s original size? What do you think I should do?!

Tormented in Tinsel Town,
Yankee Doodle The Gnome

Take MEEEEEE to Costa Rica!

Posted on by
Reply

 

costa-rica-hotelThere’s been a buzz around The Gnome Abode. A trip to Costa Rice is in the works!

Who the hell am I, you ask? First of all, watch your *&@$*@& language. Second of all, I’m Spechelle…..a special kind of Michelle.

I don’t do this blog much and you probably haven’t seen much of me around. Sucks for you. But I thought this was a good enough reason. So listen up foo’s….this here’s my petition to tag along on this Costa Rica trip. And here’s why.

I can climb trees. Even though I’m not a dude. And even though I’m not white.

costa1

I’m small and won’t take up much room. No shorty jokes allowed.

I’m already tan so I won’t burn in the sun.

I can totally get along with creatures, especially monkeys….which I hear there are plenty of in C.R.

costa2

Besides, ya’ll need my planning skills for this trip too. It’s like two weeks away and your dumb asses don’t even have hotel or activity reservations. There’s chatter about potential zip lining, eco guide tours, caving, canyoneering, and hot springs. But ya need to pull it together or those tropical natives are gonna eat you alive.

Did I mention I can climb trees?

costa3

I don’t see any other gnomes’ petitions floating around yet, so I should get bonus consideration just for blazing the trail.

Text me, take me, I’m yours….
Spechelle The Gnome

Save the Gnomes in Oakland, California!

Posted on by
1

 

The SF Gate published an article over the weekend about gnomes popping up around Oakland, California. They’re 6-inch hand-painted figures on wooden boards screwed to utility poles.

wood2

However, the bastard utility company is threatening to remove them!

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Read all about it: http://www.sfgate.com/bayarea/article/Painted-gnomes-bring-smiles-in-Oakland-4226330.php#photo-4084239

People in the area love them! The wooden gnomes are cheerful and make residents smile as they pass by. And they’re even environmentally friendly! They are attached to the poles by screws instead of nails and are never attached to trees.

wooden

Let us hereby proclaim that we drunk gnomes support you wooden gnomes! May you live long and prosper! And hey…..come visit the Midwest….we’d love to see you around here too 🙂

Yours truly,
Sketchy Andy The Gnome

New Gnome Books: Porn, Lexicon, and Bumps

Posted on by
Reply

 

Your neighborhood librarian and academic expert here…..just trying to promote literacy and general opposition to gnome stupidity! It’s Friday and you’re probably already drunk. But if not….READ ON!

1I recently read a book that some of you may enjoy. It’s called Porn Gnomes and Other Strange Tales by Paul Chapman. I know what you’re thinking….”Okay sure this is a DRUNK gnome blog, but isn’t PORN gnomes getting just a little bit out of hand?!”

Well I am PLEASED to report that there are no images of gnomes in compromising positions anywhere between the pages of this short story collection. WHEW. None of us need to see that. It’s not like we’re the most attractive creatures on the planet!

Anyhoo, this story seeks to explain the supernatural origin for the graffiti on the walls of bathroom stalls. This is a very important topic and I’m so happy that someone finally addressed it!

The gnomes in the book have awesome names like Stoozlepants, Hallyblomper, Phromfiggener, and Wendlestricker. We are always adopting more gnomes into our abode and they rarely have names when we get them. Therefore, we appreciate other gnomish name suggestions wherever we can get them!

There’s a couple warring factions of gnomes and a whole lot of dirty language. Sewer trolls also foil the plans of the porn gnomes. No surprise….those blasted trolls seem to pop up everywhere….even toilets! FREAKING GROSS YO.

The author, Paul, also posts his works on The Silicon Chickens Project. Someday we hope to see a real silicon chicken, but until then we’ll just read his stuff.

There are two additional books that have been brought to our attention and are NEXT on our reading list!

2

  • Goosebumps’ Planet of the Lawn Gnomes – R.L. Stine’s juenile horror story about what the lawn gnomes in people’s front yards are really up to

3

Why not pour a glass of scotch and pick up one of these literary masterpieces for the weekend?

Yours in staying smart and informed,
The Quick Brown Fox, Gnome Librarian

 

The Book of Mormon Mentions GNOMES!!!

Posted on by
Reply

 

Last night, I had the pleasure of becoming just a tad more cultured AND religiously biased. At the same time! A couple of the guys and I went to see the musical, The Book of Mormon, and it was truly spectacular!

mormon

However, the most spectacular thing about wasn’t the clever verses or the choreographed dancing. IT WAS THAT A SHOUT OUT WAS GIVEN TO US GNOMES!!!

Don’t believe me? Here’s a link to one of the very first songs in the performance, “Two by Two”. Scroll over to time mark 1:07 to be amazed:  http://youtu.be/Hgubhr119io

BOO YEAH! Told ya!!!

Here’s how the most awesome part of that song goes:

Elders, form a line and step forward when your name is called. Elder Young.

Yes, sir.

Your mission brother will be… Elder Grant.

That’s  me. Hey, brother!

And your mission location is… Norway.

Oh wow,  Norway: land of gnomes and trolls!

Hold up. Wait a minute. Noway is the land of gnomes? We don’t even know any gnomes in Norway! England, Australia, Germany, USA….sure! But Norway?!

And trolls too!!! Why are those bastards always lurking around where we are?!

Mormon-bookI do believe this shall need to be the subject matter of an entirely separate blog post. We must conduct research about how our cousins over there are dealing with the nasty ass trolls and all those vikings. A Norwegian investigation must commence ASAP! A call to arms, gnomes….not hands, ARMS!

Until then, I’ll keep humming the catchy tunes from the performance and sliding across the kitchen linoleum pretending I can dance. I’m not gonna say that I’ve converted to Mormonism at all, but then again…our gnome prophet, EvanGelical, is still trying to get us started with our very own gnomish church. (Psst….hey buddy, how’s that going anyway?) I guess I’ll hold out for that.

Besides, I’m not convinced that the actual “holy” book mentions gnomes even a single time. I dare you to prove me wrong.

Yours in Joseph Smith-ness,
Dumblebore The (slightly more cultured) Gnome