Adopt-a-Gnome program to raise funds for arboretum

Originally published in  Waterloo Cedar Falls Courier, IA
December 11, 2012 6:00 am

WATERLOO, Iowa — Mythical figures or kitschy lawn ornaments, gnomes are part of garden folklore, and the Cedar Valley Arborettum and Botanic Garden is sponsoring an Adopt-a-Gnome program to raise funds for the garden.


For a $100 donation, donors can adopt and name a gnome for one year. The gnomes will be scattered throughout the garden and along paths, and using an educational map children can participate in a “Sherlock Gnomes Scavenger Hunt.”

Gnomes will be painted by volunteers at NewAldaya in Cedar Falls. The adoptive donor will receive a photograph of the finished gnome.

Deadline for adoption is Jan. 31.

The donation can be designated for a specific program or garden or as a general donation. Call (319) 226-4966 or email [email protected] to adopt a gnome.

Extreme Cold Causes Gnomes’ Pipes to Freeze


Due to miserably frigid temperatures in and around The Gnome Abode, all the pipes in our community have frozen.

This should come as no surprise to you. Look around.

See those pipes snapped into pieces all over the ground? Notice how your water faucet doesn’t put out any water? That’s what I thought. And that’s what is going on.


Now everybody chill out. Okay, perhaps that was an inappropriate pun. It’s not easy always being the bearer of bad news.

Our Gnomish Fire Department (GFD) is on the job and working as quickly as their frozen ceramic hands possibly can. They’ve got light bulbs, hoses, snails, and a few buckets of water shipped in from the southern hemisphere. They’ve never dealt with a situation quite like this, but I’m sure they’ll do A-Okay.

We will provide you with updates about water usage as they become available.

Until then…drink beer and use perfume.

Your king,
Jerry The Gnome


Gnomes Slacking Off to Honor Martin Luther King, Jr.


Generally speaking, gnomes really aren’t into human holidays. We have our own holidays, our own heroes, and we don’t need yours. However, when there is a day off at stake, we will celebrate anything!



Since none of us are working today, we have had a lot of time on our hands. I’ve been encouraging everyone to learn a little about the MLK Jr. holiday so we don’t come across to you all as ignorant deadbeats.


A consensus was reached that MLK cards were to be artistically created and mailed to everyone in our address book. A delightful little card company called Card Gnome is a great place to start. We’re still working on this project right now.

We also decided to copy an idea that a few humans from Maine did a few years back. We created “snow gnomes” and placed them outside our courthouse to signify diversity.


It’s no secret that gnomes of darker skin tones are few and far between However, let it be known that the residents of The Gnome Abode welcome you with open ceramic arms! Plus, we’re getting bored starting at each other’s pasty ole’ selves.

While doing some preparatory research for this article, I stumbled upon photographs of a darker version of Sheldon posing around Chicago. Whodathunkit?! Does anyone know who this guy is and how we can get in touch with him?


Civil rights WOO HOO!
The Quick Brown Fox, The Gnome

The WORLD’S Largest Concrete Gnome is in IOWA?!?!


Believe it or not, it’s true. And you know what? We’re headed to visit him this weekend!

The 15-foot tall, 3,500-pound garden gnome, created by Andy and Connie Kautza in Wausau, Wisconsin, set new world record for the Largest Concrete Gnome. Now, the keyword here is CONCRETE.


The old record was set by a gnome in New York, who was two feet shorter.  A fiberglass replica located in Poland is reported to be taller, but not made of concrete.


He resides at the Reiman Gardens, in Ames, Iowa. He was even featured on Roadside America!

Stay tuned for exclusive photos of our upcoming visit!

SpeakNoGnome the Gnome

Gnome Tarot Card Reading of the Day


In case you forgot, we gnomes are big believers in the tarot. Our master medium and sorceress, The Lady of Mt. Goom, performs a tarot card reading each morning for the residents of the Gnome Abode.

While Ms. Goom will perform individual gnomes who seek out her counsel (and pay a pretty penny), she provides this one group reading, which will apply to the lives of all residents, as a public service. Today she provided us with the Wheel Spread.


She flipped the cards over and they landed like this:


The card in the #1 position was the 5 of wands. In a reading, this card means that others want what you want and the contest is likely to be exciting and heated, filled with action and rivalry.


The card in the #2 position was the chariot card. This card exemplifies the hero’s journey and represents ambition, determination and youthful journey.


The card in the #3 position was 8 of wands. This card marks the end of a period of stagnation and delay, the reaching of a goal, and plans nearing completion.


The card in the #4 position was the 7 of pentacles.This card indicates that hard work is about to pay off financially and it’s time to reevaluate goals, dreams, relationships, etc.


And the card in the #5 position was the justice card. This card indicates that legal problems will wane and a judgement is in favor.


As a self-proclaimed professional tarot read-ee, I interpret this reading to mean the following for me personally:

Everyone is super jealous of me because I’m so beautiful and talented. The other lady gnomes will do whatever it takes to bring me down. I am a heroine in my own right and fighting the good fight for what is true and good in this abode. I don’t realize it yet, but I am very close to reaching my goal and moving on to my next business venture. This next venture is going to make me filthy stinking rich and the people around me aren’t going to good enough to hang out with anymore. All those pesky lawsuits filed against me for theft, deceit, and general scamming will be wiped from the books once I have enough money to pay off the authorities and I’ll live happily ever after!

Roxy the Gnome