Neighborly Mummification

 

Today started out just like every other day. I got up, ate some grits, and combed my beard. I was disrupted from my routine by the sounds of sawing and obscure machinery. It must be the new neighbors, I thought.

The neighbors always seemed a little off.  They moved in last weekend, but this is the first weird noise that I’ve heard downstairs. Not that I’m being racist, but they are from Egypt after all. Even though we’re freezing our balls off, they refuse to wear shoes or shirts. I have no idea how they ever get any service.

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I guess I just wanted to make sure everything was okay down there. More than anything I was just curious to see what was going on on the floor below me. They have no windows, but I was able to peek through a tiny mouse hole at the floor board.

This is what I saw. I’m not exactly sure what it is that I saw, but I do know that I saw it.

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Medieval torture? Kinky rituals? Ancient mummification?

Your guess is as good as mine. I got the hell out of there as quickly as possible. I figured if I was spotted, I might be next on their table!

I’m submitting a complaint to King Jerry The Gnome today about these new mummy neighbors. This does not feel like  a safe place for gnomes anymore and we were here first!

Still shaking with fear but in a pissed off kinda way,
Dumblebore The Gnome

Hey Minnesota High Schoolers…gnomes are NOT trophies!

 

Over the weekend, the St. Cloud Times recently reported that Albany High School hosted a Knowledge Bowl. Kinda lame, right?

WRONG!

You know why? Because garden gnomes were awarded to the winners as trophies!

PREPOSTEROUS!

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The article reported that “Members of 62 teams from around Central Minnesota competed, first in a 60-question written round, followed by four 45-question oral rounds, where three teams per room competed against each other to answer questions covering a variety of academic subjects. Teams were playing for the coveted Gnome Awards, trophies shaped like garden gnomes.”

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Gnome awards? I’d like to know exactly how many questions those bratty kids answered correctly that had anything to do with gnomes. Anything, whatsoever! I bet my bum that all of the questions were related to pop culture or mathematics or literature.

WE ARE NOT TROPHIES! WE ARE LIVING, BREATHING SOULS WORTHY OF LOVE AND ADMIRATION!

Shame on you. Shame, shame on you.
Dumblebore The Gnome

Gnomes and Animals: A Research Study

 

There have been a great number of recent gnome posts regarding gnomes’ relationships with animals. One of our gnomes recently met a dog and another became enraged by the torment of a cat depicted in a cartoon.

As The Gnome Abode’s animal rights specialist, I feel the need to step in and say a few words.

Actually, screw words. I have pictures!

I enlisted my new buddy, Dumblebore, to assist me with important animal research. His job was to stand next to animals to see how they would react and my job was to jot down notes about each encounter.

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Bird encounter: stealthy and strangely seductive. While hardly a ladies’ man, Dumblebore walked away from this encounter with a phone number.

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Elephant encounter: smelly and the ground won’t stop shaking. Dumblebore had the unfortunate time of visiting these massive creatures during breeding season. Neither of us will ever be the same again….

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Zebra encounter: dizzying and wasted. As a well-known drunkard, Dumblebore experienced a high unlike any high he had ever had before. Zebras know how to party and don’t let anyone tell you differently.

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White tiger encounter: absolutely terrifying. Due to Dumblebore falling into a state of shock, we had to cut the research study short at this point in time. No matter how many times I tried to explain that their was a pane of glass between him and the tiger, he just didn’t get it.

And that, kids, is today’s lesson about gnomes and animals. Happy Friday!

Ramon LeBeef the Gnome

A Cartoon About a Gnome

 

G’day, gnome and human readership base!

One of our most loyal gnome scouts sent us a cartoon about a gnome today. It’s pretty self-explanatory because well, it’s a cartoon. But it does exemplify how and why gnomes love and respect all creatures… except cats.

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Who the hell does that cat think he IS?!

How come he didn’t mosey his fat cat caboose over and catch the bird HIMSELF?

That net was part of the gnome’s outfit and he TOTALLY ruined it!

I’m GLAD that little birdie got away because he didn’t deserve it!

I hope your absence in the last frame indicates that he is gone for GOOD because I never want to see his nasty, slobbering face ever again!

It’s just a cartoon, it’s not for real. It’s just a cartoon, it’s not for real. It’s just a cartoon, it’s not for real….

Sticking up for fellow gnomes in America and around the world,
Lennon the Gnome

Mr. Gnome – A (Human) Indie Rock Band

 

What’s filling the space between your ears these days?

mr3We’ve been listening non-stop to Cleveland, Ohio based (human) band, Mr. Gnome. The gnomish duo consists of Nicole Barille on vocals and guitar and Sam Meister on drums, piano, and  back-up vocals.

Although we Gnome Abode residents have yet to see them in concert, the Internet tells us that hey’ve been blowing up the tour scene. According to a recent interview with the band,

“We’re not an overnight sensation, flavor of the month or anything like that. This tour, though, the work is really starting to pay off. The crowds are singing all the words. It’s insane, surreal,” Barille said. “I don’t know how it happened.”

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mr2They played at the 2012 South by Southwest festival and lots of other places we haven’t heard of. Oh! And you can check out one of their trippy music videos NPR! Of all places!

As supporters of all things gnome, I encourage you to check ’em out! Happy listening!

Peace out.
Lil’ Dimwit, Gnomish rap authority