Once upon a time, there was a little gnome with a taste for adventure. While all his brothers and cousins were content sitting around the garden, he yearned to see the world coming at him from 70 mph.
He considered riding the coattails of the Travelocity gnome, but he remembered his tendency to get air sickness and quickly reconsidered the notion. He petitioned the gnomish government and secured a high-ranking position as a hood ornament on a bright blue Jeep.
Thanks to a hefty dose of epoxy, he little gnome rode on the the front of the Jeep for a full year. One day the bright blue Jeep fell ill and started flashing the “check engine” light on the dash. The little gnome was a little concerned, yet still confident that his trusty Jeep would pull through okay.
When the Jeep’s condition worsened, he checked into auto rehab. Despite his tiny size, the Jeep simply didn’t have enough strength to hold the gnome up any longer. The gnome was sad, but now understood how serious his ride’s condition must be.
Slowly but surely, the rehab nurses restore the Jeep’s health. However they forgot to reattach the gnome on the front bumper when they released him back out into the wild. The Jeep could hear the little gnome sobbing from inside the glove compartment and felt terrible about cheating his best friend out of an exciting drive.
Without a moment’s notice, the Jeep slammed its brakes and spun around 360-degrees. The motion caused the the glove compartment to pop open, freeing the gnome from captivity. Once the gnome toppled onto the passenger seat, he was able to crawl out the open window and position himself on the front of the Jeep. Pulling a miniature tube of epoxy out of his back pocket, the gnome squirted a dollop on his bum and settled in for a long summer’s ride.
Wait no more!
The moment you’ve been waiting for all your life has arrived!
Issue 2-2013 of the International Gnome Newsletter has arrived!!!
One particularly interesting thing I learned about from the newsletter is Gnome Countryside in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. This guy Rich, who goes by “The Gnomeman,” talks about diabetes, meditation, and gnomes in this interview.
Who would have ever put those three things together? This guy….right here.
Dude says he hasn’t ever actually seen a gnome, which seems a little hypocritical in my professional opinion. But regardless, it looks like he has a pretty sweet gig going on over in Amish country. I’ve officially added Gnome Countryside to my travel to-do list.
Wanna stay on top of all the latest gnome news and tip-offs like The Gnomeman’s little wilderness retreat? Join the International Gnome Club and find your sense of self-worth again!
Spechelle the Gnome
*Photo credit: Susquehanna Style
In case you weren’t aware, berries are one of the primary food sources for gnomes. As long as they’re not the poisonous ones, we’re all about blackberries, strawberries, cherries, and gooseberries. However, my personal favorite has always been the blueberry.
In case you’ve been living in a hole, you’ve noticed that Zookwinkle and I have been traveling throughout the Northeastern United States, which is a mecca for blueberries. Especially in the state of Maine, blueberries are in everything! Pies, candles, ice cream…and even beer!
Here’s a few of my very favorite blueberry beers that I’ve discovered during my drunk travels:
1. Sea Dog Blueberry Wheat Ale (Maine)
2. Bar Harbor Blueberry Ale (Maine)
3. Moat Mountain Violet B’s Blueberry (New Hampshire)
4. Portsmouth Bluebeery Ale (New Hampshire)
5. Newport Storm Blueberry (Rhode Island)
Do you guys know of any other blueberry beers? These are the ones I’ve been drinking lately, but surely there are more! Feed a gnome’s fruity-boozy obsession, will ya?!
Rubber the Gnome
It’s not uncommon for me to introduce myself to gnomes that I meet in gardens or humans’ yards as I’ve traveling around the world. While biking my little gnome legs through Toronto recently, I rode past a yard that could have caught my eye from a mile away.
Probably 40 or 50 gnomes were lurking about in a particular yard on Marcos Street!
I screeched to a halt and popped off my bike to say hello to a human gardener, who seems to be providing luxury housing for a large population of gnomes. The gardener’s name was Walter and he invited me to mosey on around his yard and introduce myself to the various Canadian gnomes.
It’s people like Walter who restore the little bit of faith I have left in the human race these days. If you’ve kept up with our Gnome News Section, you probably have as negative of an impression of humans as I do. People stealing gnomes, breaking gnomes with windows, creating horrendous advertisements with gnomes….you name it, people kinda suck.
But Walter was an alright guy, and I’m happy to see how well his colony gnomes are living up in Toronto.
So if you stumble upon a colony of gnomes in a yard near you, make sure to send the address my way so I can be sure to visit when I’m in the area.
May the luck of the gnome sightings be with you,
Zookwinkle the uber-social travel gnome
*Shared from the Sun Sentinel because well, we just had to…
By Barbara HijekFloriDUH7:20 a.m. EDT, July 8, 2013
This 71-year-old retired bailiff and former New York cop should’ve gnome better.
Robert Willmarth, 71, of Jensen Beach, is accused of hurling a cement gnome statue through a neighbor’s window and is also a suspected of setting fires to homes and cars in his own neighborhood, reports The Palm Beach Post.
After detectived showed Willmarth a surveillance video of him throwing the garden gnome into a window of his neighbor’s home while they were away on vacation, he allegedly told them he did it because the neighbor had “just busted my chops the other day,” according to the report.
It sounds like he needed some chop busting.
It’s also not the first time somebody used a garden gnome to committ a crime – Woman accused of striking man with garden ornament.
People, people…please! Just use a rock and leave us out of it!!!
Humps the Gnome