Correctly guess what my artistic masterpieces is, and you could be the lucky recipient of my next artistic masterpiece!

I’m an aspiring artist, but some gnomes say my work is pretty crappy. I tell them, if you want to see really crappy art you should check out Free Crappy Portraits because my stuff is WAY better than than anything in there.

But those gnomes don’t listen. Therefore, I’ve created a new contest! The first human or gnome to correctly guess what this mixed medium creation really is, WIN!

What do you win, you ask? My next work of art will be inspired by you, created in your true likeness, and sent to you as a gift! What could be better than that? Narcissist.

Without further ado, what is this?

A. Turkey

B. Flamingo

C. Gnome

D. Hot chick

Best of luck to you all!

Smooches and slobbers,
Horace The Gnome

Since King Jerry garnishes my wages and my gnomish government benefits don’t pay worth shit, I have to take advantage of lots of free stuff. Art is rarely free. However, admission to the Art Institute of Chicago is free on the first a second Wednesdays every month! Betcha didn’t know that, now did ya?

The thing is, only human art is shown here. Meh. Human art is weird and dumb and I don’t get it. I’ve been wanting to start a gnome art museum that features only art made by gnomes. However, starting a museum sounds expensive, and like I said….I’m broke.

I planned to visit the Art Institute for ideas and inspiration for my own museum yesterday. But instead of just visiting, I decided to steal stuff. C’mon hear me out before you judge.

Um… yeah….so I don’t really have a good defense. I just wanted some souvenirs. It was so easy too! The security guards never expect anything from a tiny, harmless gnome!

So I stole a couple things. Okay, whatever just don’t tell anyone. Okay? Cool, thanks. Now, check out what I snagged!

1. Glass paperweight that kinda looks like a bong. This could come in handy. Party at my place Friday night?

2. A crap ton of other paperweights. WHY? Where do these collectors live that is so windy that they need this many paperweights to keep their documents from blowing away? Why aren’t humans ‘going paperless’ anyway!?

3. A casket from Spain! It’s made of silver and oak and ya know, none of us live forever, right?! Let this post hereby serve as notice that I shall be buried in this fancy little casket when it is time for me to pass into the gnomish afterlife.

4. Creepy painting with a bunch of fat babies armed with weapons. It creeped me out so much that I couldn’t look away and I just had to have it. This painting has inspired me to recreate this scene with gnome heads put in the place of creepy baby heads. I think it’s gonna be great!

Like I said, don’t tell anyone, alright? Writing a blog post doesn’t count as incriminating evidence, does it? The Abode really needs to hire a gnome lawyer.

Yours in thievery,
Horace The Gnome

Perhaps rock climbing isn’t my destiny after all. As you may have heard, I wasn’t invited to last month’s trip to Yosemite. Lately, I’ve heard rumors of an upcoming canyoneering trip to Zion National Park in Utah. I bet I’m not going to be invited to that either. I can totally onsite a 5.1, so I don’t know why the others don’t think I’m skilled enough to join.

I’ve been hanging out with Phillip more lately. Okay say what you will, but he’s an alright guy. So what if he’s completely sober and the rest of us are alcoholics? So what if he works a 9-5 accounting job while the rest of us wear blue collars and dig holes in the backyard of the Gnome Abode. He’s been a great encouragement to me lately and trying to get me into other shit.

He tried to get me to read a book. That was lame. But he bribed me with wine, so I spaced out at the page and pretended to play along until I was buzzed enough to pass out and postpone my woes until the next day.

We decided to take some art classes together. This week was “colored pencil drawing class”. The upcoming classes are all about making sculptures, pottery, and painting. I feel like the crappiest artist ever, but Phillip says I have promise. In fact, he says I have a really good shot at landing a position at the super prestigious corporation, Free Crappy Portratis Inc., www.freecrappyportraits.com. 

So here’s my first work of art. Phillip says I should start contacting galleries because this scene encompasses a true form of originality that has been forgotten in modern artistic society.

So tell me straight up. What would you pay for this masterpiece? I need to know what to set as my low ball pitch when I go in tomorrow afternoon to the Chicago Art Institute.