Author Archives: Kamikaze

About Kamikaze

Child Labor Utilized to Construct Gnome Homes

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Did you know that gnomish society has no child labor laws? Well, it’s true! Therefore,we wholeheartedly support putting your children to work for our benefit!

All across the country, children under the age of ten are being hired for contract construction work on gnome homes. Take for example the “Growing Up Wild” initiative in Mahomet, Illinois. The Pekin Times reported that preschoolers were recently hired to hike the Lake of the Woods Forest Preserve, gather supplies, and use fairy tokens to purchase building materials.

The benefits of using children to manufacturer our homes include:

  • Small hands to reach into tight corners
  • Ability to pay staff in cookies
  • Inability of staff to interpret liability waivers
  • Overwhelmingly high energy levels

If you have any children, I encourage you to fill out an employment application for them TODAY! That noisy little waste of space could soon be out of your hair and on his/her way to becoming a productive member of gnomish society!

To put your kid to work, please complete this Official Gnome Home Contractor Application and submit via email to [email protected].

We look forward to ruining as many innocent childhood memories as possible, while staying warm and dry!

Yours truly,
Kamikaze The Gnome

Olney, Illinois: Once Home to Albino Squirrels. Now Home to Gnomes.

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Allow me to introduce you to a town in the middle of nowhere that goes by the name – Olney, Illinois.

Our Master and Goddess, Gnomeplaya, mentioned a long time ago that she was born in this random place. That alone makes it a magical place.

Olney is “famous” for it’s albino squirrels. Hey, c’mon….every place has got to famous for something, right?!

A couple of the guys and I decided to take the Jeep out for a road trip this past weekend to discover the magic first hand. It is no wonder that Gnomeplaya has ruled all of Gnomekind for so long. Her very own place of birth has a city park that features and entire GNOMEVILLE!

We introduced ourselves to the gnomes living in Olney’s Gnomeville. They had a bit of a southern accent and liked shitty beer, but they were definitely a bunch of alright ole chaps.

It was freaking 95 degrees, but these diligent bastards just kept on working their fields. Shit. We got it easy at The Abode. I better count my lucky stars. Oh yeah….you can see stars down here too!

Southerners sure are sports fanatics. They kicked our asses in every game which way imaginable.

The gnomes in Olney are the primary caretakers for this rare breed of albino squirrels. They slather SPF 105 on their pasty fur at least once an hour just to keep them from becoming common, boring squirrels.

Their houses were exquisitely built and welcoming. I’ve started to develop some new interior design ideas for our own place when we get back home and convince Gnomeplaya make a stop at Gnome Depot for essential supplies.

These gnomes did laundry, rode beetles, carried baskets, and drank from mushrooms. They’re just like us! The gnome world has never felt smaller! I mean, it’s always kind of small but “small” is relative. It’s not the size that matters. True dat.

We totally respected the Olney gnomes of Gnomeville because they stayed true to their roots and took care of an endangered species that has little to no effect on the entire rest of the gnome and/or human world.

This chubbster shown here with the squirrels, who goes by Ralph, is my new pen pal. I’m going to try to get him to write a blog post from time to time, but they’ve never heard of the Interweb down there, so this could be a long-term project.

XOXO

Kamikaze The Gnome

Baked Baking in The Gnome Abode!

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Who says gnomes can’t bake?!

I hosted a baked baking party at The Gnome Abode this past weekend and it turned out to be an overwhelming success! Leonardo brought over his finest selection of shrooms and almost every gnome in The Abode joined us. Well, with the exception of Phillip, who’s a totally tight ass.

We started out with flour, sugar, eggs, and a splash of whipped cream flavored vodka as a substitute for vanilla extract. Cowabunga surprised us all by finding cookie cutters that looked like us! Gnome-shaped cookie cutters! Who would have thought?!

While the little gnome cookies puffed up in the oven, we passed around the bottle of vodka for inspiration. There was decorating ahead of us and we needed to muster up all of the creativity that we could.

We were nice and toasted by the time the gnome cookies cooled off enough to frost them. We had just enough vodka to add to the homemade frosting mix. Horace has become quite the wonderful artist and helped us make a whole bunch of bowls of brilliant colors!

The gnome cookies were looking great….well, that is until some of the guys got a bit rowdy and started making crude jokes. I can’t exactly prove who made these, but somehow a one-eyed gnome girl cookie wearing a bikini appeared next to a well-endowed dude gnome with junk hanging out of his pants.

And then a turtle appeared. A turtle! Why? WHY?!

We ran out of vodka, we ran out of frosting, and the smoke alarm started going off because no one remembered to shut off the oven. I think we all learned some stuff from our baking day, but we have a whole lot more to learn before making Thanksgiving dinner or some shit like that.

Perhaps I’m a bit biased, but I think they’re awesome. If you agree, message me and I’ll Fed Ex you one. But you’d better act now….the gnomes around here are total Fatty McGoos and they’re disappearing like hotcakes. But they’re better than hotcakes because they’re cookies.

WAA BAMM AND FREAKING YUM,

Kamikaze The Gnome

I am the victim of a Voodoo spell. And I am drunk.

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Apparently that little ho, Roxy, is trying to teach herself the art of Voodoo so she can cast some crazy love spell and win the affection of some weird new band that’s going on tour. They’re called Mennonite Coke Workshop or something.

How do I know so much about her evil little scheme? Well I just happened to walk by her corner of the yard and this book was literally lying right out in the open. My curiosity got the best of me. There’s some really messed up stuff in there! Just my luck, Roxy happened to be hopping over the fence (most likely coming back from another of her “escapades”) and caught me reading her Voodoo book.

The next thing I know, I’m standing next to a Voodoo doll that looked strangely like me. The next thing I remember after that was sitting at a brewery in MIchigan called Hop Cat. Apparently, Roxy tried to mix up some “revenge brew” from the ingredients listed in her book. But I guess she fucked up because here we are drinking brews in a brewery. Not that’ I’m complaining…

While Roxy was busy studying her book to fix her brew spell, I ended up having time to give six brews a try. Initially, I was disappointed because there were no samplers offered. Point down. I tried to distract myself with the beer posters on the ceiling, eclectic art on the walls, and sun-catchers in the windows.

http://hopcat.com/main/BeerList.aspx

  1. My first brew was the Heavenly Hedgehog, a bourbon barrel aged strong ale at 9.1% alcohol. This had the strongest bourbon flavor and smell I’d ever encountered, which is a positive comment. It had a very smooth taste and I will definitely be drinking this again. 
  2. Roggen Bitch was brew number two, coming in at 4.9% alcohol. I’ll be honest, I got it because of the cool name. It was pretty standard but drinkable. It was smooth bud didn’t have any significant spice. 
  3. Brew #3 was Solitude by Vivant Brewing. It was 6% brown ale that was bland and needed more spice. However, it was very drinkable at this mid-stage of afternoon drinking. 
  4. Hopasaur by Hop Cat was brew #4. Even though it was 8.7% alcohol, it was so goddamn hopping that I couldn’t even take two sips. Sad, I know. The citrus smell was alright, but keep it away from my taste buds. 
  5. Brew #5 was Brainless on Cherries by Epic in Salt Lake City. It was 10% alcohol and very sweet. The slight bitterness didn’t overpower the sweetness, much to my liking. It didn’t taste too alcoholic but every other gnome at the bar scoffed at me for drinking such a girly drink. 
  6. I wrapped up my round of brews with Raisin Apollo from Shorts Brewery. Surprisingly, it wasn’t too hoppy and didn’t taste that much like raisins. Thank god. I am terrified of both those things. It had a bitter aftertaste, which might be some of the raisins coming through. Which means I’ll likely have nightmares tonight. 

Just as I was about to order my 7th beer, Roxy stuck that little blue doll in my face again and suddenly we were back in the Gnome Abode. Once I sober up, I need to go talk to talk to her and figure out what the hell just happened.

Light as a feather, stiff as a board,

Kamikaze The Gnome

Kamikaze’s Trip to Bubbleland

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So Jerry and Horace threatened to snap my broom handle in half if I didn’t finish the entire household’s laundry before the end of the weekend. They can be total bullies sometimes. I may or may not be a push-over. I don’t have a problem with taking my turn doing the household chores, but I can’t help to notice that I’m the only one doing all of the work. I was hired to work in this backyard as a Sweeper. Seemed easy enough from the ad I responded to…. See some dirt, sweep it up, repeat, repeat, repeat.

But today I find myself at a laundromat. Washing EVERYONE’s solid colored shirts and suspender pants with some goopy stuff the girl at the front counter kept referring to as “detergent” and “fabric softener”. WTF?! 

The closest laundromat I could find was an oddly bright colored establishment called Bubbleland. (Bubbleland, I thought….sounds like a fun place full of merriment and joy!) I was wrong. Dead wrong.

First of all, look at this place! It’s freaking creepy as hell! Bubble letter “Clean is good” slogans? Why is everything so bright? Why am I fenced in? How is that man in the black shirt coping with these conditions?!

 

 

Second of all, the smallest of all the washing machines cost $1.80! How does any gnome ever afford to have clean clothes! Isn’t this a basic gnomish right!? I’m writing my alderman a strongly worded letter.

 

Third of all, the dryers were so huge that I literally had to climb into it to start pulling the dripping wet mass of clothing on top of me. It was humiliating. You know all those cheesy romantic comedies where a cute single guy gnome and a cute almost-single girl know catch each others’ glance across the rows of dryers, fall in love at first sight, and overcome a test of obstacles in their lives to be together and find true happiness? (I love those movies)

WELL THOSE MOVIES ARE A LIE! I’m never going to meet the gnome girl of my dreams here if I look as ridiculous as I do  sweeping in a dryer!!!

A grueling four hours passed and finally the spin cycle made its final spin. Time to crawl back in and pull ’em out. Ugggghhhhh….

Ooo…

OooooOOOOOO! So warm! So clean! So fresh! Oh I think I’m just going to stay and nap in here! The other gnomes would be SO JEALOUS if they had ANY idea how amazing this feels.

 

 

What? What’s that you’re mumbling about, weird man in the black shirt? No. No. But…but…but…You can’t be serious. NOW I HAVE TO FOLD EVERYTHING?!?!??!?!??!?!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!