Author Archives: SpeakNoGnome

About SpeakNoGnome

Gnomes Popping Up In Weird Places: Trend Report

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This is your official gnome news reporter here, just doing my job. I hope all you lazy asses enjoyed your holiday off yesterday.

Gnome sightings are nothing uncommon these days, but I can’t help but notice an increase in weird places they’re popping up lately. For decades, I’ve been keeping up with stories about gnome theft and mysterious placements in countries around the world.

Perhaps you’ve wrongly assumed that humans are transplanting these gnomes from one location to another. Perhaps you’re wondering why we appear (and make news) in obscure locations on a regular basis.

Well, why do you go on vacation? Why do you get in your car and head to the suburbs on a Sunday afternoon? We have our reasons too. And frankly, they’re none of your goddamn business.

Take for example, the gnome homes that started popping up in Overland Park, Kansas.KS home

Or the gnome that was found run with interior electrical wires cut at the ends in Hanover, New Jersey.

Or maybe the 50+ gnomes that showed up (in protest?) at a water treatment plan in Parry Sound, Ontario.

ParryCASheesh, humans. We’re just going about our active lives…THIS ISN’T NEWS! Do we write a story every time any one of you head down to Disney World for a couple days? NO!

See, we pretend to be irritated at all the media attention, but truth be told…we’re media whores just like you. We learned it from your celebrities, and it seems to be working out A-OK for them.

Keep writing about us, and we’ll keep on traveling. Deal and done.

Tootaloo!
SpeakNoGnome the Gnome

Gnomes and Rental Cars: An Interview

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Who knew that gnomes could be accessed by rental car?!

Although this Hertz travel article seems to have been written with humans in mind, it has provoked an interesting question around The Gnome Abode. Are gnomes legally allowed to drive cars?

photo (1)

To settle the debate, we asked our one and only driving gnome, Gnouffeur. Here’s how the interview went…

Me: Good morning, Gnouffeur.

Gnouffeur: G’day, Mate!

Me: A-hem. So down to business. What makes you so qualified to drive a car?

Gnouffeur: It’s a truck actually.

Me: Okay, fine. Truck. What makes you qualified to drive a truck?

Gnouffeur: I was born with it.

Me: You were born WITH a truck? 

Gnouffeur: Yessir. It was molded to my hand and arse since I was a twinkle in me momma’s womb.

Me: Ew. That’s weird. Moving on….what sort of driving training have you received during your time at The Gnome Abode?

Gnouffeur: I once hauled a penguin.

Me: That’s not exactly training, now is it? Can I see a copy of your driver’s license?

Gnouffeur: Hold on….let me grab some my laminating machine. I drew a picture of me hauling that penguin the other day in my sketchbook. Everything looks more official when it’s laminated. 

Me: A-hem. That won’t be necessary. This is clearly going nowhere. Well, do you have any last words, Gnouffeur?

Gnouffeur: Rice and beans.

Me: (to the camera) Well, you read it here first, folks. The only gnome “qualified” to drive us around is a blooming idiot. Penguins…rice and beans…laminating machine. Gah! I wish you all the best in your transportation endeavors…because you’re surely going to need it.

Reporting live from the living room,
SpeakNoGnome, the Reporter Gnome

Gnouffeur:

The WORLD’S Largest Concrete Gnome is in IOWA?!?!

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Believe it or not, it’s true. And you know what? We’re headed to visit him this weekend!

The 15-foot tall, 3,500-pound garden gnome, created by Andy and Connie Kautza in Wausau, Wisconsin, set new world record for the Largest Concrete Gnome. Now, the keyword here is CONCRETE.

hat

The old record was set by a gnome in New York, who was two feet shorter.  A fiberglass replica located in Poland is reported to be taller, but not made of concrete.

rei

He resides at the Reiman Gardens, in Ames, Iowa. He was even featured on Roadside America!

Stay tuned for exclusive photos of our upcoming visit!

Tootaloo,
SpeakNoGnome the Gnome

Lady Gnome Loses Head On Black Friday (Official GPD Police Report)

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Gnome Police Department Case Number: GNO0504013462

Incident: Loss of head

Location: Mushroom Top Bridal Shoppe

Reporting Officer: Lt. Speak No Gnome

Date of Report: 23 November 2012

Photograph in Evidence: Exhibit 1, below

At approximately 1040 hours on 23rd November 2012, I arrived upon the scene at Mushroom Top Bridal Shoppe at 61 South Beardly Drive. An anonymous 911 call was placed due to a public dispute involving “Black Friday” retail shopping.

A witness at the scene reported that alleged victim, Tabitha, was trampled while attempting to pull a wedding gown from a rack to try it on. The incident is alleged to have occurred at approximately 1010 hours.

Another witness  stated that Tabitha seemed blissfully unaware of her surroundings in the moments leading up to the incident in question. No witnesses can yet be named due to the horrific nature of this investigation.

A third unnamed witness reported that gnomes were carrying guns, shovels, and other forms of garden weaponry inside the bridal store at the time of the incident. This witness further reported that alleged victim, Tabitha, was seen entering the store with a head on her shoulders. However, her head was separated from her body as a result of the incident under investigation.

I conducted a survey of the crime scene and found several items of evidence. I collected samples of broken ceramic, an empty bag of Cheetos, and a shoestring.

I obtained a sworn statements from the above noted witnesses and  provided them with the case number and department information.

The alleged victim, Tabitha, remains in critical condition at the Gnome General Hospital (GGH). Additional information will be made available to the public once further further investigation is complete. No public questions will be answered on the record at this time. Thank you.

Signed,
/s/Lt. Speak No Gnome

Have YOU Made Your Gnomers’ Day (December 1, 2012) Reservations Yet?

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I know you’ve all already marked your calendars, but just a reminder…..our national holiday, World Gnomers’ Day is quickly approaching!

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 1ST, 2012!!!!!!!!!

We just received our tickets today for the 36th Annual Festival of the Gnomes in Joliet, Illinois!

Sent to gnomes from gnomes. Just the way it should be. This world-renown festival will feature a live show, gift shop, craft-making areas, raffles, artwork, music, AND SO MUCH MORE!

We’re so excited that we think you should join us! Tickets may be reserved by calling the park office at 815-724-3760 or e-mailing [email protected].

Not sure what Gnomers’ Day is all about? This special day was created to honor collectors of gnomes. Well, duh. This totally informative article gives some great tips about how to prepare for the upcoming holiday:  

To prepare for December 1st and Gnomers’ Day …

  • Plan to have coffee with other collectors or even friends who are not collectors. How could anyone not enjoy your Gnomes and a special get-together on such a special day?
  • Place Gnomes on your dining tables, and think about moving others around a bit. They like a change of scene, too. Spruce up those needing a gently-wiped face and hands.
  • Send a copy of this write-up to the editors of your local newspapers. They may be willing to mention the day if enticed by the colorful heading!
  • If you have a Gnome-shaped cookie cutter, bake cookies. Bake a cake and decorate it with a Gnome design. Use a Gnome cookie cutter to press the shape onto the cake’s top, then fill in the shape with icings. (A cake pan maker was been asked to consider making a Gnome; no response yet.)
  • If you’ve saved Gnome pictures and cards (like most of us), frame some for year-round pleasure. It doesn’t matter if they have a holiday theme, because Gnomes are never out of season.

Not gonna be around Joliet, Illinois on December 1st? No sweat! There’s plenty of other options for you to celebrate with us in spirit! Here’s a few suggestions:

Get ready, get set, and go celebrate us!
Speak No Gnome, The Gnome