Author Archives: Tabitha

About Tabitha

I was presented with an opportunity, I seized it, and here I am in this so called “Gnome Abode”. Last weekend, I hesitantly vacated my extravagant mansion with an ocean view in California with one mission: To manipulate the King of the Gnomes into making me his wife so I can rule the gnome world and beyond.

I’ve heard rumors that he’s a pushover. I’ve also heard that the only other female gnome here is a total  skank.

Allow me to introduce myself…I am Tabitha and you will soon be worshiping me as your Queen as I rise in the ranks of high gnome society.

He proposed! I said yes!

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All you doubters out there can eat your words! And my shi…..well, just eat your words and be done with it, okay? Because you are dealing with the Queen-To-Be, herself! For real this time…promise!

Jerry took me out last night to a drive in movie. We saw the new Batman movie. Towards the end, there was some sort of a technical malfunction and the screen went blank. We sat in his Jeep in silence until he finished a bag of stale popcorn.

Then all the sudden he let out a belch and he says to me and I go like this:

“Hey. Y’know what?” ~ Jerry 

“I know plenty of whats. What what a

re you referring to?” ~ Me

“I’m referring to the what about us getting our relationship documented on paper.” ~ Jerry 

“OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! Jerry! Are you asking me what I think you’re asking me? Jerry! Are you FINALLY pulling the trigger? Are you FINALLY making me your queen? Jerry! *SQUEAL!* Are you FINALLY fulfilling your destiny and realizing I am your once and forever love? Jerry! Are you…” ~ Me cut off

“Guess so. Figure it’s time.” ~ Jerry

And that was that.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am gonna be queen of all gnomekind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Most brides are little bitches when it comes to wedding planning. Not Queen Tabitha! I’ve already planned my wedding! It’s all done!

I’ve picked out my wedding china:

I’ve picked out my wedding cake:

Most importantly, I’ve picked out my ring! (shown here on professional hand model, Gnomeplaya)

I’ve also secured an extensive file of engagement photos to post in subway stations and on light poles throughout Gnomeland. Here’s a sneak peak!

Jerry said to keep this quiet until he (being almighty king and all) had a chance to make a public announcement. Well he takes too damn long and I’m too damn excited. I hope this doesn’t fuck something up for him…I mean us….everything is “us” now!

Everything is mine!!!

And love is in the air….gnomes everywhere are making out! To celebrate us! US!

I’ll keep you posted with updates about the upcoming bridal shower and bachelor/bachelorette party. Everyone is invited to come celebrate US!

Your Queen-in-Training,
Tabitha The Gnome

Preemptively shopping for wedding china!

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I’m going shopping for my wedding china tonight!

Did I suddenly get married, you ask? No, but….

Did I at least get engaged, you ask? Well, not exactly, but….

It never hurts to be over-prepared! Jerry is sure to come around any day now. I can just feel it!

Every gnome kingdom queen needs a proper set of china to serve from. Reception seating arrangements start tomorrow!

Tabitha The Gnome

P.S. – Jerry, if you’re reading this – any day now…..any day.

Gnomes Getting Restraining Orders Against Other Gnomes

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Of course I’ve had my share of stalkers in my day. I mean how could it really be avoided? I’m a gorgeous, brilliant, rare, and irresistible gnome lady. The “stalking” usually never amounted to more than showering me with gifts and excessive late night texts begging for me to come over. Those things I can handle.

Know what I can’t handle? That little bastard who goes by the weird name, The Book of Genesis. That’s why I had to file a restraining order against him today.

It all started when “The Book” and I met at a wedding I was bridesmaiding in a few weeks ago. I was pissed at Jerry and flirting with The Book to try to make him jealous. Jerry was too wasted to even notice so it all turned out to be pointless. I guess The Book got the wrong idea, because he fell completely head over heels for me. I can’t really blame him, but he took things just a bit too far.

His level of stalking went far beyond what I would consider, like Facebook stalking. Hell! Everyone does that!

His texts began once an hour. Then once a minute. His phone calls began began exactly in between the once-a-minute texts. His emails were no less than 5,000 words each and professed his willingness to do whatever it took to make me his. I kept seeing the top of a pointy hat outside my bedroom window periodically throughout my day. Somehow he managed to hide before I was ever able to catch him. I swear I wasn’t hallucinating. I think I’ve been off hallucinogens for a couple days now!

Then yesterday, I found this creepy check list in the grass outside my bedroom window.

I started to panic. I frantically ran around The Abode, locking all of the windows and doors. Then I realized that he’s an Abode resident so he has his own set of keys. Shit.

With trembling fingers, I rummaged through my purse to call the police and file a report. You’ll never believe what I found. I was appalled to find that he had written a message in HIS OWN BLOOD on the back of my g-Phone case! OMG.

I ran to the kitchen to use the house phone and after an excessive hold time, I finally reached the Stalking Department of the GPD. According to a paper I signed and paid a pretty penny for, The Book is not allowed to come with 500 feet of me. However, I just realized that he never signed the restraining order and likely doesn’t even know that a restraining order exists.

The legal system is whack. I think I’ll just make Jerry kick his ass.

Your Future Queen,

Tabitha The Gnome

Always a gnome bridesmaid, never a gnome bride…

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Today is this bitch’s wedding that I agreed to be a bridesmaid in for some reason. I met this bitch back when we were students at The Etiquette Academy of Elite Gnomettes and she’s a bitch because she’s getting married.

All things aside, she’s pretty much perfect and wholesome…..former Gnome Corps volunteer, tutor for underprivileged gnome kids, etc, etc. But I would much rather be spending my precious Saturday at the new massage parlor next door than standing up next to that bitch in a hideous dress pretending to be happy for her when it is ME who should be the one in the white dress! Not this hideous purple thing that glows in the dark!

EW!

When is Jerry going to propose to me and make me Queen of The Gnome Abode?! He sure is taking his sweet time. I getting any younger, you know. I’m bringing him along as my wedding date in hopes that he will pick up on my less than subtle hint that is it HIS turn to step up to the plate and grow some gnome balls.

I simply despite going to events in which I am not the center of attention. What’s the point?

I changed Jerry’s desktop background on his work computer to this image last week just to give him a subtle hint. Either he had better propose to me with this exact diamond by the end of the reception or I’ll have to sabotage the marriage of my bitch friend and whoever the hell this schmuck is that she’s marrying today. If I can’t be Queen, then no one gets to be happy. Not in The Gnome Abode.

 

Vindictive and determined,

Tabitha the soon-to-be Queen Gnome

Gnome Scandal Revealed! Gnome Promiscuity Investigated!

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Good afternoon, my minions.

One of our Gnome Scouts, “Hurricane”, snapped this candid photo of two gnomes making out on a balcony. A PUBLIC balcony! Right in plain sight! Have they no shame?

A true lady would never be caught in such a promiscuous and disgraceful position. It is times like this that I must quote the lyrical genius, Ludacris.

“We want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed.” ~ Ludacris

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7mXwCktyIY

 

As the high class lady that I was raised to be, I am truly appalled at the direction in which our gnomish culture is turning. I’ve been researching promiscuity since 7am to see how I can help to put a stop to this epidemic. One thing I am sure about….I’m never going to Finland! They are rated the #1 promiscuous country! But then again, what is there really else to do in Finland. The United States, where The Gnome Abode is, comes in at #22. Well at least in 2000. Perhaps the figures were skewed back then due to the impending doom of Y2K.

Since apparently Roxy has gone on some equally appalling hitchhiking mission, I am the only woman left here. I need to set an example of morality to this lawless gnome community so that they look up to me as a figure of purity when I get King Jerry to make me his wife.

How’s that going, you ask? Eh I don’t know. He booty-called me at 3am completely SMASHED after a night out with the boys. Yes, I let him come over. No, I’m not a hypocrite!

Okay, back to my promiscuity research. I had to take a break and blog a bit because I was getting too turned on. You wouldn’t believe what they put on websites these days!

Oooo ahhh,

Tabitha The Gnome