Author Archives: The Quick Brown Fox

About The Quick Brown Fox

What’s up with this “Butt-Gnome Religion”?

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According to Pascal Press,

“Winston Bedwell held a news conference Saturday asking for help to petition the US government to recognize the establishment a Butt-Gnomes as an official religion. Bedwell was adamant that there are gnomes living in the lower intestines of everyone in the world, and influence how we act and decide our fate in the afterlife.”

http://pascalspress.wordpress.com/2012/03/03/man-wants-recognition-of-butt-gnome-religion/

Bedwell went so far as to post a photo which he described as a bad Butt Gnome after expulsion.

Religion has always been a bit of a sketchy subject in the gnome community. Although we are not aware of any official gnome religion, many gnomes tend to adopt the religion of their human caregivers. I’ve met a fair share of Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Hindi, and Buddhist gnomes who have a clear understanding of their religious beliefs. However, most of us wander around not knowing what’s real, what’s bullshit, and if there is really any more to life than this.

According to WowWiki, gnomes are generally agnostic, atheists, pagans, communists, and being converted into Cataclysm. Apparently there are Gnomish Holy Light clerics in Nethergarde, but they seem to unstable to worship it en-masse.Seems like we are all over the place, eh?

http://www.wowwiki.com/Talk:Gnome

But now I come across an article about this Butt-Gnome Religion. It seems just about as reasonable as any other religion really. And it seems more relevant to gnomes in general, which we appreciate because we are generally self-centered.

I propose that this Sunday, we hold a Butt-Gnome Religion study group to begin investigating this new belief system and decide whether it fits the needs of The Gnome Abode.

Gnomes of all backgrounds and belief systems are welcome to attend and encouraged to bring your own ideas, suggestions, and snacks. Booze will be provided, of course. Start time shall be 12:00 noon.

Please contact me with any questions about this event, dear wayward gnomes, and we shall find the light together.

Your self-appointed spiritual leader,

The Quick Brown Fox The Gnome

This Week’s Edition of “Gnomes in the Gnews”!

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We’re gnot the only gnomes who are famous! Check out these other gnomes making the news this week!

  • The Ontario Post offers potential gnome thieves alternative activities to stealing our fair brothers. Those crazy Canadians suggest these alternatives:  pick up garbage in a park, mow someone’s lawn, peel a banana, go for a long walk, help someone, take part in the relay for life, tan, organize a charity event, buy a new lawn ornament for the person you stole that one from, help someone find a lost cat.

http://www.thepost.on.ca/2012/06/27/leave-the-lawn-gnomes-alone

  • In related news, this Massachusetts newspaper reports a police investigation about 40 missing gnomes from a military veteran’s lawn. Devastated gnome owner, Kathy Bush, cared for of a variety of us little guys….gnomes dressed as Jimmy Buffett, gnomes dressed in military suits, you name it. Six mushroom houses were also nabbed by those wretched thieves. The detective bureau is currently investigating this matter and anyone with information is encouraged to call or text (413) 787-6355.

http://www.masslive.com/news/index.ssf/2012/06/springfield_police_probe_nabbi.html

  • The final article that I’ll share with you this week comes from Gloucestershire in the UK. The Eastcombe School Association hosted it’s annual gnome hunt! Hunt?! Yeah, I was skeptical too. But after a few distraught calls to the editor, I learned that no gnomes were harmed in this particular hunt. Apparently 29 gnomes were scattered around the village and between 300 and 400 people took part in finding them (without weapons) and raised £1,300 for the school. I don’t know much about foreign money, but those gnomes sound like they’re making BANK!

http://www.thisisgloucestershire.co.uk/Gnomes-bring-cash-rolling/story-16455314-detail/story.html

I sincerely hope that you have enjoyed this week’s edition of “Gnomes in the Gnews.”

Signing off,

The Quick Brown Fox, The Gnome

Gnomish Attempts at Sculpting

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By now, all of us gnomes have read Sheldon’s recent post about his adventures to Zion National Park and Vegas (http://www.thedrunkgnome.com/world-traveler-gnomes/sheldons-adventure-to-zion-national-park-and-las-vegas/).  Due to our jealous rage and general hatred towards him and we’ve all been protesting The Drunk Gnome site for a couple days.

Don’t think we don’t get the basic cable TV in the The Gnome Abode! Pish shaw. We watched the coverage of the NATO Summit! We know how it’s done!

Well sort of. After a couple days of hitting the GPD officers with our shovels and rakes, we received a certified letter from the Master and Goddess of All Gnomekind that our antics would not increase our opportunities for travel, but rather eliminate our opportunities all together!

What a hard ass.

As one of the most reasonable gnomes in the bunch, I had to find a way to get the guys settled down and in a more peaceful state of mind. I read Sheldon’s post again and tried to find something positive in it for the rest of us.

Then it hit me! Sculpting! The Styrofoam gnome sculptures at the Vegas art exhibit were truly magnificent. And oddly enough, those sculptures were made by a human. GASP. If a human can do that, then certainly gnomes can do that  times like eight or something.

So I sent around some fliers and hosted a sculpting class in the northeast corner of the backyard.

This is what Pablo sculpted. He says it’s an elephant, but I’m not so sure. He kept taking swigs of Delirium Tremens as he worked with the clay, so I’m pretty sure this is the product of being wasted.

Leonardo started off sculpting an emu and I commended him for his ambitious endeavor. However, this is the end result? Emu? Eww. No living thing should ever have to lay eyes on such a hideous beaked creature.

Apparently, Caesar had watched Jurassic Park recently and has been obsessed with dinosaurs ever since. He says this is a T-Rex. I can’t say that I’m remotely terrified by this prehistoric creature. Well maybe by its sheer ugliness.

As the Gnome Educator, I can’t say that I taught any of my students about sculpture, but at least they’re not hitting cops with sticks anymore.

Trying to rub those hideous sculpture images out of my eye sockets,

The Quick Brown Fox, The Gnome

Arts & Crafts Seminar Held at The Gnome Abode

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Today I hosted an Arts & Crafts Seminar in The Gnome Abode. As the newly-hired Gnome Educator, I feel like I need to give these poor bastards some cultural experiences. I only had two students show up to today’s seminar, but I think they got a lot out of it….one definitely more than the other.

I loaned Maurice a copy of the easiest gnome craft book I could find. 

He chose to make a gnome out of felt and sheep wool. This sounded reasonable enough. However, this is what he presented me with upon completion of his project…

Check out the photos in the craft book! This is what this project was SUPPOSED to look like.

I commented to Maurice was just too creepy to be any sort of gnome and suggested he sew up the face to make that the hat instead.

I’m not sure how much of an improvement this is, but at least he finished it. I suppose.

On the other hand, Horace masterfully sculpted this ethnically diverse gnome pendant out of clay. Truly magnificent!

Bravo, Horace!

The rest of you gnomes had better show up to my next art seminar. I mean you can’t be any worse than Maurice, so what have you got to lose?

Crafting always me crave craft beer. Time to ditch these students and quench my thirst.

The Quick Brown Fox

 

New Librarian and Gnome Educator Hired : The Quick Brown Fox!

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Oh hello there. I didn’t see you reading over my shoulder. Anyway, allow me to introduce myself. I am The Quick Brown Fox and after a grueling interview process, I have been hired as the Librarian and Gnome Educator for The Gnome Abode.

Gnomeplaya, the master and goddess of all gnomekind, reached out to me via electronic mail one hazy afternoon. I rubbed the hangover crust out of my eyes and couldn’t believe what had arrived in my inbox!

She and I happened to cross paths at the supermarket the previous day. She noticed that I was wearing glasses. Apparently, this simple fact gave me an automatic opportunity to interview for the position of Librarian and Gnome Educator. Who knew?!

There was an extensive hazing process that I would rather not relive. Don’t make me. Don’t. I SAID DON’T!!!!!!

Yesterday, I was awoken from a hangover nap by a call from Gnomeplaya congratulating me on being hired for the position! Today is my first day on the job. I’ve been sipping Bailey’s in my coffee all day to stay awake. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a day job. These early hours will take some getting used to.

The first thing I’ve notice is that there are A LOT of dumb gnomes around this place. Everyone I’ve talked to can barely read or write and they know nothing about their own cultural background. What a disgrace!

Oh my credentials? Of course I have credentials. Pish posh. I graduated from Remedial Gnome Community College (RGCC) in the Spring of 1943. Yeah. So take that.

The first thing I did was bring in my collection of reading materials to start a library in The Gnome Abode. I also threw some educational puzzles and games in there to help these gnomes get less dumb.

 

What am I currently reading, you ask? Oh why of course I’ll tell you! And yes, as a matter of fact I DO have conversations with myself on a regular basis!

I’m currently reading “Have Gnomes Will Travel” by Elaine and Les Bailey. Elaine is a most delightful author who lives Alberta, Canada (eh?) and writes about gnomes and cats. Elaine travels with two gnomes, Sir Ced and Sir Tommy, and they even have their own passports! I’ve applied for a passport three times and I have never been granted one! Damn government. I seriously wonder who those lucky bastards know to push them through the corrupt system. Anyway, it seems that Ced and Tommy get to go on a cruise!

About the Author: http://www.telusplanet.net/public/pawspub/author.html

It also seems that these lil’ buggas drink something called “grog”. I typically enjoy a slightly chilled glass of aged scotch when I settle in with a good book. But thanks to Wikipedia, I learned something useful today!  Grog refers to a lot of different types of alcohol, mixtures of types of alcohol, and all around alcohol goodness. You just have to read it to believe it:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grog

Well kids…with that helpful gnome knowledge tip of the day, I’m off to dust some shelves and set up my new office space with some energy-efficient lighting fixtures.

Gnome Knowledge = Gnome Power,

The Quick Brown Fox, The Gnome