Category Archives: Gnome Art

Works of art made by gnomes for gnomes.

Arts & Crafts Seminar Held at The Gnome Abode

Posted on by
Reply

Today I hosted an Arts & Crafts Seminar in The Gnome Abode. As the newly-hired Gnome Educator, I feel like I need to give these poor bastards some cultural experiences. I only had two students show up to today’s seminar, but I think they got a lot out of it….one definitely more than the other.

I loaned Maurice a copy of the easiest gnome craft book I could find. 

He chose to make a gnome out of felt and sheep wool. This sounded reasonable enough. However, this is what he presented me with upon completion of his project…

Check out the photos in the craft book! This is what this project was SUPPOSED to look like.

I commented to Maurice was just too creepy to be any sort of gnome and suggested he sew up the face to make that the hat instead.

I’m not sure how much of an improvement this is, but at least he finished it. I suppose.

On the other hand, Horace masterfully sculpted this ethnically diverse gnome pendant out of clay. Truly magnificent!

Bravo, Horace!

The rest of you gnomes had better show up to my next art seminar. I mean you can’t be any worse than Maurice, so what have you got to lose?

Crafting always me crave craft beer. Time to ditch these students and quench my thirst.

The Quick Brown Fox

 

Why I Hate Sheldon: Reason #358

Posted on by
2

#358: Because the little bastard is getting worldwide fame and attention.

Check this shit out: http://ourlasvegas.wordpress.com/the-gnomes-gallery-2/

I pick up the morning newspaper and what do I find? Sheldon and Gnomeplaya have apparently exploded on the Las Vegas indie art scene! They’re currently posted as the second picture down, in which the reclining gnome is apparently checking out Gnomeplaya’s ass. Scandalous.

But what about the rest of us? What websites are the rest of us featured on? Well, I mean, besides this one….which doesn’t really count.

I did a little research in my sober downtime today about this whole “Our Las Vegas” ordeal. Apparently, artist Jesse Carson Smigel of this Gnot the Proper Gnomenclature project. http://www.lasvegasweekly.com/news/2012/may/02/whats-giant-gnomes-arts-district/

As I hacked into Gnomeplaya’s laptop, I found an array of other photographs documenting this epic gnomish encounter that NONE OF US other than Sheldon were made a part of.

I confronted Sheldon about this issue. He simply said that they were big gnomes made of foam and it was nothing to get my panties in a bunch about. Little does he know, I don’t wear panties. Commando baby!

Sheldon went on to say that Vegas wasn’t any place we should be jealous of. Apparently it was almost 100 degrees and he had a couple bad rounds of poker.

As convincing as the dude is, I’m still pissed. I’m attached to a mug for godssake! I could be carried around so much easier than his fat ass.

Jealously raging with my mug full of vodka on a Friday night because obviously I’m not ever going to be rich or famous. GAH!

Sheldon, you are my enemy. And you are going down. Down to a place that no gnome should ever see. Like the inside of a frat house toilet. Yeah. I went there.

HATE!!!

Caesar The Gnome

 

Sheldon’s Ceremonial Silly String Send Off!

Posted on by
Reply

As King of the Gnomes in The Gnome Abode, I felt compelled to ceremonially send off our expert traveler, Sheldon, as he embarks into the uncharted territory of Zion National Park and Las Vegas. The lucky little bastard. I am still not sure who he had to sleep with to be appointed to the position of Travel Gnome.

Since 6am, the ever-so-responsible Sheldon has been already packed and ready to go in his cutsie little International Gnome Club bag.

In case you didn’t realize it, we gnomes are huge fans of silly string. Any gnomish ceremony around involves at least a can or two of the magical substance. I sent the gnome I like the least, Phillip, down to the basement to check our supply. Much to my relief, there was PLENTY of silly string down there!

I made that creepy lizard, St. Bastille Day, make sure we weren’t breaking any laws. He always seems to be getting arrested, so I figured he would know the most about getting around the law. The last thing we need around here is another raid by the GPD. Much to my surprise, that creepy lizard did his due diligence, checked his calendar to verify today’s date, and verified that our silly string is within the scope of the law.

I made our new gnome librarian and educator, The Quick Brown Fox, do some research into what silly string is actually composed of just to make sure it doesn’t cause long-term gnomish damage. Propellant? Resin. Surfactant? Other? Sure! That all sounds safe, right?!

So onward and upward with the ceremonial sent off!!!!!!!!!!

You might not recognize him, but THIS is Sheldon after we got through with him. Yes, I authorized this. Yes, I am an awesome leader. Thanks for noticing!

I wonder how his TSA pat down is going to go with that goop all over him. Hahahaha not my problem!

BON VOYAGE, SHELDON!

Jerry, King of the Gnomes

Gnot the Proper Gnomenclature: A Big Ass Gnome in Vegas!

Posted on by
3

So I’m doing some late night packing for my upcoming trip to Zion National Park and     Las Vegas this weekend. I’m planning to do two days of canyoneering, camp out for a couple nights, and get strangers to capture amazing photos of me in beautiful locations like this:

After conquering every canyon known to gnomekind, I plan to top off my journey with some drunk time by the pool and throwing away my life’s earnings at the blackjack tables.

As with all of my journeys, I seek out famous gnome to visit and use my networking skills to make best friends with them.  Las Vegas artist, Jesse Smigel, has assisted a nine-foot gnome with setting up his home behind an empty arts factory! Jesse’s work of art (a.k.a. huge nameless gnome’s new residence) is called “Gnot the Proper Gnomenclature”.

Gnot bad, if I do say so myself. Check it out!

http://www.lasvegasweekly.com/news/2012/may/02/whats-giant-gnomes-arts-district/

“I’m hoping people will see it from afar and say, ‘Is that a goddamn garden gnome?’” Smigel says.

Now THIS is a gnome I have GOT to meet! I have submitted an appointment request with him for Sunday afternoon and am anxiously awaiting my confirmation email.

To be continued….

Sheldon the Gnome

Biohazzard Elephants in Australia: Debut Masterpiece by Horace The Gnome

Posted on by
Reply

Perhaps rock climbing isn’t my destiny after all. As you may have heard, I wasn’t invited to last month’s trip to Yosemite. Lately, I’ve heard rumors of an upcoming canyoneering trip to Zion National Park in Utah. I bet I’m not going to be invited to that either. I can totally onsite a 5.1, so I don’t know why the others don’t think I’m skilled enough to join.

I’ve been hanging out with Phillip more lately. Okay say what you will, but he’s an alright guy. So what if he’s completely sober and the rest of us are alcoholics? So what if he works a 9-5 accounting job while the rest of us wear blue collars and dig holes in the backyard of the Gnome Abode. He’s been a great encouragement to me lately and trying to get me into other shit.

He tried to get me to read a book. That was lame. But he bribed me with wine, so I spaced out at the page and pretended to play along until I was buzzed enough to pass out and postpone my woes until the next day.

We decided to take some art classes together. This week was “colored pencil drawing class”. The upcoming classes are all about making sculptures, pottery, and painting. I feel like the crappiest artist ever, but Phillip says I have promise. In fact, he says I have a really good shot at landing a position at the super prestigious corporation, Free Crappy Portratis Inc., www.freecrappyportraits.com. 

So here’s my first work of art. Phillip says I should start contacting galleries because this scene encompasses a true form of originality that has been forgotten in modern artistic society.

So tell me straight up. What would you pay for this masterpiece? I need to know what to set as my low ball pitch when I go in tomorrow afternoon to the Chicago Art Institute.