Category Archives: Gnome Brew Review

Gnomes’ palates are among the best of the world. In this site, I plan to provide you with review of each and every adult beverage that I become intoxicated on. You’re welcome in advance.

Just another standard Saturday afternoon of hookah smoking, vodka drinking, oil painting, and Velcro ball playing with my rabbit sidekick in the park

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Just another standard Saturday afternoon of hookah smoking, vodka drinking, oil painting, and Velcro ball playing with my rabbit sidekick in the park. Usually Drumsticks (yeah that’s my rabbit) and I do our own thing and totally enjoy escaping the chaos of The Gnome Abode. However, today Drumsticks and I made a few friends along the way.

I heard a “pssssstttt!” from the bushes. I took another puff and dipped by brush in the water bowl. “Pssssttt!” There it was again. I secured my wallet and phone in my back pockets just to play it safe, and cautiously walked towards the “pssssttt’ing” bush. I pushed a couple branches aside and this is what I found…

A home-brew gnome! I’ve heard of gnomes that have magical beer-making powers, but I’ve never actually met one! This dude had frothy brews, hoppy brews, fruity brews…you name it! Apparently he just signed a lease to open his own brewery in an abandoned warehouse on Porter Street.

Dude said his name was Cassius and offered me a sampler platter, to which I certainly did not deny! My favorite was definitely the Mushroom Stem Brown Ale. I can’t exactly remember why, but I know there was something good in there.

I took Cassius’ business card and rode Drumsticks away just before sunset and just before I overstayed my “we just met” welcome. I found myself wandering through the park, staring at leaves and seeing their colors like they’d never been seen before.

Since I wasn’t exactly watching where I was going, I accidently walked into a baseball game. I didn’t even know I walked into a game until a foul ball knocked Drumsticks right out from under me. I’m sure he’ll be okay. That touch ole’ bugga.

I thought theses dudes were gonna be way pissed. They looked super professional and stuff.

Much to my surprise, they stopped their game to come introduce themselves. Apparently their center fielder had suffered a chipped foot injury and they were down a man. They circled around me and began to peer-pressure me to step in to be the replacement.

Baseball is intense. the balls come fast and the gloves are made of animals, much like Drumsticks. I much prefer the slow-paced vibe of Velcro mitt ball and I wanted to bail, but I wasn’t sure how my exit strategy would go.

So I ran. And I ran. And I ran ’til I could run no more.

I’m back at The Gnome Abode somehow and the effects of Cassius’ special edition home-brew are long worn off. Maybe I’ll make some cookies.

Peace out,

Pablo The Gnome

Gnome-themed drinks to get you grunk!

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Yo yo yo! It’s Friday afternoon. You got a stiff drink in that tiny ceramic hand of yours?

No? NO?!? LAME.

“But….but…um….well….Leonardo, I…um….don’t know what to….um….drink.” – Annonomous Lame Gnome

BITCH, PLEASE. LEONARDO TO THE RESCUE!

Here’s a starter list of gnome themed drinks to get you grunk:

Naughty Gnome Recipe

Horny Toad Stool Recipe

Esprit d’Achouffe

  • Description: The ESPRIT D’ACHOUFFE is an ‘eau de vie’ (brandy) distilled from beer that is 5 years old. A very delicate ‘eau-de-vie’, reminiscent of ‘grappa’
  • Packaging : Decorated stoneware bottle of 500ml
  • Alcohol  : 40% alc./vol.
  • Storage : Always keep in a fridge
  • Serving temperature : from 0 to 10°C in a 40ml glass
  • http://www.achouffe.be/en/nos-bieres/nos-produits/

This is your mission, should you choose to accept it.  Text me in a few hours about how your mission is going. I’ll try to respond before I pass out.

Your friendly alcohol educator,

Leonardo the Gnome

Pizza Orgasmica & Brewing Company: A Review By Self-Proclaimed Ladies Man, Lennon The Gnome

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Well I’m finally sober enough to write a post. So hey guys, what’s up!?

We’re still in the tour van in the middle of the desert somewhere. I have no idea how we get wi fi out here but hey, who am I to complain?

Um. Um. What am I supposed to write about here? I need a story. What can I remember from our time in San Fran after our debut performance?

Pizza Orgasmica! That’s what I remember…of course!

http://www.pizzaorgasmica.com/

So this busty chick kept hanging around back stage after our show and stroking her fingers through my beard. It was dripping with sweat from our hardcore performance, but she didn’t seem to mind. She grabbed my trumpet from its case when I wasn’t looking and proclaimed that she wouldn’t give it back until I wined, dined, and sixty-nined her.

Fine. Whatever.

Just to get my trumpet back, (I swear that was the only reason) I took her to Pizza Orgasmica & Brewing Company. She’s a chick gnome so I’m assuming that her taste buds aren’t nearly as advanced and mature as mine. So I tried one of everything and well, she kinda sat there. Meanwhile, this lovely waitress delivered me brew after brew after brew.

I jotted down some tasting notes on the back of a crumpled receipt. Some of the most profound works of literature have been written in similar fashion. Just ask Emerson.

 

1. Golden Ale: no taste, watery, tastes like biscuits, gives me dry mouth aftertaste, bad for kissing

2. Four Grain Hefeweizen: orange aroma, smooth and creamy all the way through to the aftertaste, kiss me now

3. IPA: smells like a fern or plant of some kind, standard IPA, bitter lingering aftertaste, if IPAs smelled like weed I’d probably like them more

4. Blueberry Best Bitter:  awesome most blueberry smell I’ve ever smelt, good taste too, bitterness isn’t overwhelming and counters the sweetness, better than a recent blueberry oatmeal stout I had, feeling very healthy after a serving of fruit.

5. Porter:  average and insignificant, no smell, hint of barleywine flavor because of the alcohol content but otherwise totally standard, I think I fell asleep

6. Peach Pale Ale:  amazing on smell, I want to rub this all over my body like lotion,  tastes a bit bitter but balances out the sweetness, 6% alcohol isnt’ bad for a fruity beer, feeling excessively healthy after two servings of fruit

7. Pale Ale: I disagreed with myself at every sip as to whether it was bitter or sweet, super standard start, yet a smooth pleasant aftertaste, pale Cali gnome chicks need to go out and get a tan

8. Kolsch: no real comment, meh, how can you even really improve a Kolsch anyway? The name is fun to say five times fast though.

9. Amber Ale: bitter start to finish, not too heavy, nothing unique, a bit of a burnt toffee aroma which was nice. I need dessert….who’s still serving dessert at this time of night?

And so, boys and girls….the moral of the story is: Who says you can’t have your orgasmica and eat pizza too? Thanks, Roxy.

Ooooo Ahh Ahhhhhhhhh,

Lennon The Gnome and Trumpeter for Amish Meth Lab

 

 

I am the victim of a Voodoo spell. And I am drunk.

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Apparently that little ho, Roxy, is trying to teach herself the art of Voodoo so she can cast some crazy love spell and win the affection of some weird new band that’s going on tour. They’re called Mennonite Coke Workshop or something.

How do I know so much about her evil little scheme? Well I just happened to walk by her corner of the yard and this book was literally lying right out in the open. My curiosity got the best of me. There’s some really messed up stuff in there! Just my luck, Roxy happened to be hopping over the fence (most likely coming back from another of her “escapades”) and caught me reading her Voodoo book.

The next thing I know, I’m standing next to a Voodoo doll that looked strangely like me. The next thing I remember after that was sitting at a brewery in MIchigan called Hop Cat. Apparently, Roxy tried to mix up some “revenge brew” from the ingredients listed in her book. But I guess she fucked up because here we are drinking brews in a brewery. Not that’ I’m complaining…

While Roxy was busy studying her book to fix her brew spell, I ended up having time to give six brews a try. Initially, I was disappointed because there were no samplers offered. Point down. I tried to distract myself with the beer posters on the ceiling, eclectic art on the walls, and sun-catchers in the windows.

http://hopcat.com/main/BeerList.aspx

  1. My first brew was the Heavenly Hedgehog, a bourbon barrel aged strong ale at 9.1% alcohol. This had the strongest bourbon flavor and smell I’d ever encountered, which is a positive comment. It had a very smooth taste and I will definitely be drinking this again. 
  2. Roggen Bitch was brew number two, coming in at 4.9% alcohol. I’ll be honest, I got it because of the cool name. It was pretty standard but drinkable. It was smooth bud didn’t have any significant spice. 
  3. Brew #3 was Solitude by Vivant Brewing. It was 6% brown ale that was bland and needed more spice. However, it was very drinkable at this mid-stage of afternoon drinking. 
  4. Hopasaur by Hop Cat was brew #4. Even though it was 8.7% alcohol, it was so goddamn hopping that I couldn’t even take two sips. Sad, I know. The citrus smell was alright, but keep it away from my taste buds. 
  5. Brew #5 was Brainless on Cherries by Epic in Salt Lake City. It was 10% alcohol and very sweet. The slight bitterness didn’t overpower the sweetness, much to my liking. It didn’t taste too alcoholic but every other gnome at the bar scoffed at me for drinking such a girly drink. 
  6. I wrapped up my round of brews with Raisin Apollo from Shorts Brewery. Surprisingly, it wasn’t too hoppy and didn’t taste that much like raisins. Thank god. I am terrified of both those things. It had a bitter aftertaste, which might be some of the raisins coming through. Which means I’ll likely have nightmares tonight. 

Just as I was about to order my 7th beer, Roxy stuck that little blue doll in my face again and suddenly we were back in the Gnome Abode. Once I sober up, I need to go talk to talk to her and figure out what the hell just happened.

Light as a feather, stiff as a board,

Kamikaze The Gnome

Beer Sampler Trays are the Universe’s Gift to Gnomekind

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Tonight I decided to get off my lazy ass and do something on a Friday night. I know…weird, right?! My ass moving destination was the liquor store. I figure…what better excuse to get out of the house than to go out and buy something that will keep me in the house! Goddamn I love logic.

Well I missed the driveway to get into Binny’s. Then I accidentally ran a red light. The I kinda sorta sideswiped this orange jeep. So I kept driving. And driving. And driving. Next thing I know, I’m in Holland, Michigan.

Holy hell there’s a brewery here! Well fancy my pants and shiver my timbers!

I was handed a sampler tray menu by a man in a beard. So many magnificent choices! After much deliberation and sneezing, I made my touch decisions and this beautiful thing arrived at my table-for-one. If you have really awesome eyesight, you can totally read the comments I made by each of the six beers I chose. If you’re blind as a bat (are bats really blind? Must Google it), I will report my brief initial reactions to you in some sort of logical manner.

1. Full Circle kolsch-style beer – More flavor than normal kolsch beers. Not too sweet.

2. Mad Hatter IPA – Not as hoppy as most IPAs. But I still hate IPAs. Very malty.

3. Sundog Amber Ale – A lot going on. Flavors galore. A lot of carbonation.

4. Cabin Fever Brown Ale – Roast-like flavor. Similar to New Castle, but more flavor. Not as heavy as a stout. Slightly smoky.

5. Dragon’s Milk Ale Aged in Oak Barrels – Milky and dessert like brew. Could only have one. Very smooth and creamy.

6. Night Tripper Imperial Stout – Several layers and a lot going on. Bitter aftertaste. Similar to The Beast at the Avery Brewery in Colorado, not less flavor and alcohol content than that.

Overall, I think New Holland Brewery is an excellent place and I recommend stopping by the next time you find yourself needing to get out of the house.

 

Sippy sippy,

Yankee & Doodle (Don’t ask about Dandy. It was a tragic incident and we don’t to discuss it in public forums.)