Get the %*$& Back to Work! (From the Labor Day Gnomes)


Humans in America are celebrating Labor Day today. We gnomes don’t really get your silly little holidays. As we sit alongside your porches, we’ve been watching you sip cocktails in the sun all summer. We don’t really see why an additional break is necessary.

But as The Gnome Abode’s faithful queen, I decided to bring a little holiday cheer to my laborious minions. May I present you with…

photo (1)-001A custom-designed gnome patch laptop case!

If you pay special attention to my fine craftsmanship, you’ll see that the hardworking gnome hauling a wheelbarrow (yes, flowers ARE heavy) is flanked by lazy ass bastard gnomes. Sleeping in a hammock? Sleeping under a mushroom?


Let this work machine holder serve as a reminder to you that the gnomish workforce is eerily similar to the human workforce. Lazy ass gnomes and humans outnumber hardworking gnomes and humans 2:1.

The proof is in the patches. Which gnome/human are you?

Happy Labor Day to all species, regardless of your worth to society!

Your queen bee,
Tabitha the Gnome

Gnomes and Rental Cars: An Interview


Who knew that gnomes could be accessed by rental car?!

Although this Hertz travel article seems to have been written with humans in mind, it has provoked an interesting question around The Gnome Abode. Are gnomes legally allowed to drive cars?

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To settle the debate, we asked our one and only driving gnome, Gnouffeur. Here’s how the interview went…

Me: Good morning, Gnouffeur.

Gnouffeur: G’day, Mate!

Me: A-hem. So down to business. What makes you so qualified to drive a car?

Gnouffeur: It’s a truck actually.

Me: Okay, fine. Truck. What makes you qualified to drive a truck?

Gnouffeur: I was born with it.

Me: You were born WITH a truck? 

Gnouffeur: Yessir. It was molded to my hand and arse since I was a twinkle in me momma’s womb.

Me: Ew. That’s weird. Moving on….what sort of driving training have you received during your time at The Gnome Abode?

Gnouffeur: I once hauled a penguin.

Me: That’s not exactly training, now is it? Can I see a copy of your driver’s license?

Gnouffeur: Hold on….let me grab some my laminating machine. I drew a picture of me hauling that penguin the other day in my sketchbook. Everything looks more official when it’s laminated. 

Me: A-hem. That won’t be necessary. This is clearly going nowhere. Well, do you have any last words, Gnouffeur?

Gnouffeur: Rice and beans.

Me: (to the camera) Well, you read it here first, folks. The only gnome “qualified” to drive us around is a blooming idiot. Penguins…rice and beans…laminating machine. Gah! I wish you all the best in your transportation endeavors…because you’re surely going to need it.

Reporting live from the living room,
SpeakNoGnome, the Reporter Gnome


Gnomes prepare for “impending doom” snowstorm

Humans seem to have all sorts of lists about how to prepare for impending doom snowstorms. Stocking up on survival items and keeping warm always top their lists.

We gnomes, however, have our OWN list! This is how we plan to get through this nasty Midwest day.

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  1. Snowboard on garden tools rather than walking to avoid slippage
  2. Wear the super-insulated pointy hat in the back of your closet
  3. Call in an order for beer delivery and make some poor sap bring it to you
  4. Hitch a ride atop human’s cars rather than trying to see above the snowy wheel yourself
  5. Refuse to do any work, even if you work from home
  6. Wear contacts instead of glasses so they don’t get all snow-spotted
  7. Set out all of your dishes on the front porch to catch as much as you can to melt into deliciously chilled drinking water

Hang in there gnomies…
Dr. A. Chu, MD, Chinese medicine professional and general gnomish advice giver

EXCLUSIVE Gnome Facebook Photos! LIKE US!


All of us chipped in and recently got ourselves a fancy new iPhone. We all have to share it, but that’s okay because it’s hard for us to push those big touch screen “buttons” all alone  anyway! phone

In addition to providing all you gnome fans with a daily (almost always!) post about our shenanigans, we are now ALSO posting random pics of each other on Facebook!

They’re super fun, sometimes scandalous, and usually drunk 😉

But these are FACEBOOK EXCLUSIVES and found NOWHERE else on the Interwebs!

To get a sneak peak into the behind-the-scenes shenanigans, you have GOT to LIKE us on Facebook! It’s so easy a troll could do it!

Just go to our Facebook page and click “like”. And SHAZAAM! A daily picture of one of us will start to appear in your news feed!

Because after all…don’t you need a little more gnome in your day?

ChumbaWamba The Gnome

Why Dogs Are Really Just Gnomes In Disguise


In case you’ve been drinking your brain cells and memory skills away, I invite you to revisit the gnome blog post from January 5th. It’s a post Seamus made regarding his lack of understanding about dogs on the day he met his first one.


As The Gnome Abode’s animal rights activist, I was called upon to explain and justify these bewildering ancient creatures. Now, I’m a huge supporter of dogs. Do you know why? Because dogs are actually gnomes in disguise!

I know what you’re thinking. But hold on. Now hear me out.

If you trace the genealogical lines back oh say, a couple hundred years…you’ll see that gnomes and dogs are actually distant sixth cousins! Believe it or not, it’s TRUE! IMG_0944

Dogs like to pretend that they are simple animals. What a brilliant idea! If I could have the whole human race convinced that I needed to be fed, walked, and played with on a continual basis…I’d be set for life!

But when your back is turned…dogs start to look just a little more like gnomes…

IMG_1000When they are most relaxed and on the verge of slumber, you can oftentimes make out the shape of a bright red hat atop their heads….if you look at the exact right time. The second that a dog is alarmed or feels a human presence nearby, the gnome hat quickly fades away. It’s really sad how insecure they are.

I encourage all of you dogs out there to fly your gnome hats high! So maybe you don’t want humans to know that you can really take care of yourselves. I get it. But I’m not the only gnome who gets it. We stand beside you in your quest to find your true selves in this life and be the gnomish dogs that you really are.

IMG_1032Don’t worry….I won’t tell any of those stupid humans your secret. Just come to one of council meetings sometime and we’ll show you the true way.Not to force religion on you or anything, but we have a gnomish church now too. All dogs are welcome in our pews!

May the gnome-dog alliance strengthen over time and gain momentum in the days ahead. I’m not sure if any of you pooches and type, but you’re welcome to write a blog post from time to time if you can.

Your animal rights activist and canine supporter,
Ramon LeBeef The Gnome