Category Archives: Gnomes on the 9 to 5

Hey Gnomes, Wanna Learn To Tango?

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WHAT IS GNOTANGO?

Gnotango is an dance studio that provides group and private dance instruction in Argentine Tango, stages professional tango performances, and sponsors tango events for gnomes of all skill levels.

While recognizing the heritage of Argentine tango, and the need to preserve its tradition, Gnotango is committed to the evolution of tango for the modern gnome.

WHO WE ARE

Chumbawamba, The Gnome is the founder and artistic director of Gnotango, and has been dancing all his life. Born and raised in Buenos Aires, Tango played a role in his life since childhood. As a tango dancer, his graceful yet innovative style stems from a fusion of ballet principles and Argentine Tango.

I Get Knocked Down, The Turtle is a producer and educator with over 14 years experience in the music, film, and event industries. She possesses an in-depth knowledge of business and the arts that she brought to her post on the Board of Governors for the Recording Academy of Arts and Science in The Gnome Abode.

CLASS SCHEDULE
MONDAY – FRIDAY 
7:00 pm to 8:00 pm     Beginner’s Class
8:00 pm to 9:00 pm     Intermediate / Advanced
9:00 pm to 11:00 pm   Practica
SATURDAY
Midnight – 4:00am Milonga La Baldosita (Tango Party)
(includes 5 complimentary beverages)
FAQ
  •  Where are you located?
      • The grand ballroom in the alley to the left of the used phone store
  • What should I wear?
      • As little as possible. Tango is supposed to be sexy. Undress to impress.
  • What about shoes?
      • The highest heels you can find. Yes, this applies to both male and female gnomes.
  • Do I need to bring a partner?
      • Not if you have social skills and have the ability to hook up with another lonely stranger.

TESTIMONIALS
“My life meant nothing until I started going to Gnotango! I have since stopped eating my own hair and I’ve tossed out the shoebox of old toenail clippings under my bed!”  – Cowabunga The Gnome
 
 
“I had no self-confidence before I started going to Gnotango. I was so nervous on my first day. After just two classes, I lost 23 grams of fat and grew a new and improved nose!” – Lurleen Lumpkin The Gnome
 
Contact us TODAY for your FREE introductory trial class with Gnotango! Your life probably sucks, so honestly….what do you have to lose?! See you on the dance floor!
Your dance instructors,
Chumbawamba (The Gnome) and (I Get Knocked Down The Turtle)

A Software Company called GNOME?!?

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Have you ever “Googled” yourself? Now, now. Keep your mind out of the gutter. What I’m asking is have you ever typed your name into Google to see what shows up?

Sometimes the results are surprising. You might find a link to an article you wrote for the junior high newspaper. You might find that police arrest report that you thought had been expunged from your record.

Well in my case, I found that there is a software company called GNOME! Who do they think they are?! Gnomes don’t make software! We can barely run a functional blog website!

According to the company website, “GNOME is an international community dedicated to making great software that anyone can use, no matter what language they speak or their technical or physical abilities,”

How’d they managed to get the domain name gnome.org anyway? I’m not aware of any actual gnomes that work for GNOME. This makes no sense. We are clearly being misrepresented.

They even have a section on their site that explains how the company is “people centered.” Now why the hell would a gnome company be people centered!?

I am putting together a formal complaint with the better business bureau about this so-called GNOME company. I plan to put it in the mail on Monday, so if you find yourself as outraged as I do about this fraudulent business, please send me your contributions.

Their logo is a footprint! We wear boots and we never leave footprints behind! OMG!

Furious!
Phillip The Gnome

Gnomes and Smoking

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The National Institutes of Health go on and on about how smoking is bad for humans. Although it might be logically deduced that smoking is also bad for gnomes, there have been no scientific studies to prove it.

Since the earliest recorded evidence of gnomish history, gnomes have been smoking various things from pipes. Pipe smoking has developed into a way of life and a piece of our culture.

One of the largest gnome “producers”, Kimmel, boasts of many gnome species smoking pipes.

Underground trance artist, Wild Wild Chris, even has a song called Gnomes and Pipes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwTXTmmf_tk

As your neighborhood gnome physician, I hereby declare my intention to conduct a research study involving the positive and negative effects of smoking upon gnomes.

If the results show minimal health risks, then by all means…..smoke up! However, if the results are truly negative, I will direct my next study to reasonable alternatives to pipe use.

Healthily Yours,
Dr. A. Chu, MD

Have a question about gnomes?

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Well, do you?

Then ask a gnome expert! We have a few hanging around The Gnome Abode. They’ve got business cards now too!

No question is too dumb. We’re used to dumb questions!

I’d also like to take this opportunity to congratulate our gnomes on making 200 blog posts on www.thedrunkgnome.com. This is our 200th post!!!

Happy Gnomers’ Day to Everyone!
McCartney The Gnome

Evan Gelical Creates New Gnome Religion

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There has been a call for a gnome religion. I am here to answer that call. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Evan Gelical, The Gnome.

I used to be just like you…ordinary, simple-minded, lost. After a spiritual pilgrimage to the Shawnee National Forest, I have discovered that I am actually a religious prophet!

What is a spiritual pilgrimage, you ask? Good question! A pilgrimage is a life-changing and spiritually invigorating experience, typically involving a journey to a holy site to perform a set of rites.

Before my journey, I consulted Beliefnet, which gave me 10 tips on how to perform a spiritual pilgrimage. Oh you want me to share them with you? Well okay then…sure!

1. Choose your destination

2. Declare your intention to go

3. Prepare physically

4. Prepare mentally

5. Inform family and friends

6. Keep realistic expectations of your journey

7. Give yourself up to your pilgrimage

8. Deal with reality upon your return

9. Keep the momentum going with moderation

10. Revisit your pilgrimage from home

What did I do on MY pilgrimage? Another good question!

Well, I walked a lot. I mean, A LOT. I carried around huge backpack and a creature-catching net for protection. I endured torrential downpours of rain, death-defying wind storms, and the gloom of night.

I ate a lot of wild mushrooms. I engaged in ancient hanging rituals involving a noose and a tree. I sweat profusely. I eliminated all toxins from my body to allow the spirits of the enchanted forest to enter my veins.

I became exhausted. I didn’t eat or drink for days…not even beer. The hair of my beard started to fall out. My eyesight faded to black. I couldn’t stop crying.

I screamed into the nothingness above me until I heard something scream back at me. The voice that returned my call was terrifying. The voice told me that gnomes have a great and meaningful purpose in this life and there is an immediate need for a spiritual leader in gnomish society.

I don’t remember much after hearing these words. Apparently, some hunters found me unconscious and I woke up in GGH (Gnome General Hospital). I’m stuck here for a few days while under observation, so I’m sketching out a few religious tenets to distribute to you all in a pamphlet.

Stay tuned to find the path to spiritual enlightenment and a life of fulfillment and meaning!

Oh hey nurse, could I get some more applesauce, please?

Your highly-anticipated gnomish spiritual leader,
Evan Gelical, The Gnome