ZOOS ARE AN ATROCITY AND MUST ALL BE SHUT DOWN!

We must free poor defenseless creatures from the bars that prevent them from a quality lifestyle!

Join me in helping animals find their true environment!

What? Oh. Who am I you ask? I guess I am new around here, so that’s a logical question. My name is Ramón LeBeef and I’m a Spanish-French animal rights activist. I’ve been fighting for the rights of animals ever since my momma was poisoned by cheap packaged noodles and my daddy was trampled by an rogue bovine.

It recently came to my attention that there are countless animals being held captive in and around The Gnome Abode.

Residents of The Gnome Abode: I do not blame you for being ignorant. It’s not necessarily your fault that you are being cruel and inhumane! I am here to teach you the animal kingdom’s ways of humility and righteousness. Sit back and relax because none of you are getting arrested just yet!

I simply want to inform you of my cause and invite you to join me so that you DON’T get arrested for your inappropriate behaviors.

Here’s me freeing a defenseless goat from its pen. Look how it automatically takes a liking to me! This is how animals treat gnomes that treat them right!

This is me breaking a beautiful zebra out of confinement. These magnificent beasts belong in the open plains of Africa, roaming free. Although I released this zebra around the corner of Clark and Division, I’m sure it’ll make its way back to African someday!

Here I am freeing a lovely colorful bird from its cage. Birds are the easiest animals to free because once you pull out the hard core negotiating skills and convince them to fly away, then away they go!

Now this is a sad tale. These hippos were so mistreated that they turned to bronze. It’s a little known fact that mistreatment inherently leads to bronzing over time. Ever see someone who looks unnaturally tan? They’re probably being mistreated.

I enlisted the help of Peso the Monkey (our mom’s are distant cousins) to help me rescue a mother and baby hippo. They are still thawing out in our high-temperature incubator right now, but we do expect a full recovery.

Email me at or reply to this post for more details on how you can stop being an asshole to animals. I’d rather see animals roaming free on the dangerous highway than confined in the safety of a zoo. And you should too.

May the fight ignite inside you,
Ramón LeBeef, The Gnome

Did you know that gnomish society has no child labor laws? Well, it’s true! Therefore,we wholeheartedly support putting your children to work for our benefit!

All across the country, children under the age of ten are being hired for contract construction work on gnome homes. Take for example the “Growing Up Wild” initiative in Mahomet, Illinois. The Pekin Times reported that preschoolers were recently hired to hike the Lake of the Woods Forest Preserve, gather supplies, and use fairy tokens to purchase building materials.

The benefits of using children to manufacturer our homes include:

• Small hands to reach into tight corners
• Ability to pay staff in cookies
• Inability of staff to interpret liability waivers
• Overwhelmingly high energy levels

If you have any children, I encourage you to fill out an employment application for them TODAY! That noisy little waste of space could soon be out of your hair and on his/her way to becoming a productive member of gnomish society!

To put your kid to work, please complete this Official Gnome Home Contractor Application and submit via email to [email protected].

We look forward to ruining as many innocent childhood memories as possible, while staying warm and dry!

Yours truly,
Kamikaze The Gnome

As The Gnome Abode’s librarian, I always have my eye out for new (gnew) gnome literature. This past weekend, I started reading a delightful book called The Gnomes of Knot-Hole Manor by Adele Marie Crouch.

I started reading this in the bubble bath last night and got about halfway done! The best part so far is that there is a gnome character named Zookwinkle! All this time, I thought our guy was the only Zookwinkle in the universe because that’s what he told us.

BUSTED!!!

So far the Zookwinkle in the book seems like an alright guy though….a kid really. Helped save a squirrel, obeys his parents, all that good stuff. He has been taught to be weary of human (rightfully so), to take care of nature, and do his chores.

Our Zookwinkle here doesn’t have a fraction of those good morals!

The Internet tells me Adele’s book has been translated into a whole bunch of languages – French, Japanese, Chinese, Spanish, Hindi – WOW! There are gnomes and humans reading about Character Zookwinkle and his family all over the place! I love foreigners!

The Internet also tells me that “Creations by Crouch is making an attempt to produce bilingual books that will not only assist people in learning the language of their choice, but also to preserve (in some small way) languages that are in danger of becoming extinct. With that in mind, Adele is always on the lookout for translators of new and endangered languages.”

Because Adele has targeted this book at 3rd graders, even you dumb gnomes out there can pick this up! Dumb gnomes need lovin’ too!

Yours in gnomish literacy,
The Quick Brown Fox