If you happened to read yesterday’s blog post, you know that Horace went to an art museum and stole a bunch of stuff. Good for him! Anyway, last night around the dinner table, he was telling me about something really disturbing that he found during his theft expedition.

Chinese demons of the Tang Dynasty.

Check ’em out. REALLY check ’em out. Don’t they kinda sorta look like gnomes?!

I always thought of myself as a white dude gnome with a good soul. But are all of us really part Chinese?

AND PART DEMON!?!?

This is crazy disturbing. These demons hung out from in 600’s to the 900’s AD and apparently were pretty hardcore.

The Oxford Dictionary of Asian Mythology says:
Demons or gui, are prevalent in the Chinese mythological world. Gui also refers to the secondary soul that is separated from the higher  soul (hun) at death. The superior soul becomes spirit (shen), and  if not treated properly in a ritualistic sense, gui can become a ghost or bad demon. Important demons are Chiyou,  who fought against the Yellow Emperor, Huangdi (see Chiyou, Huangdi); Gonggong  (see Gonggong), who  destroyed one of the pillars of the world with his enormous horn, causing  turmoil on earth; and the Four Evils, which any new sovereign had to over-come  upon assuming rule.

Are there any gnome religious leaders out there? Anyone?! I have so many questions and don’t know where to turn!

Scared to be a demon,
DoorsOpenOnTheLeftAtClarkAndLake the Gnome

Yep, we get that question all the time. Humans seem to think that our hats come to a natural point with no effort whatsoever.

Ha! Wouldn’t that just be delightful!

Just like you, we have to primp and prep before we leave the house. Not only do we have to iron our shirts, comb our beards, and wash our hands….we also have to sharpen our hats!

Check me out here sharpening my otherwise naturally dull green hat.

Hat sharpeners come in all shapes and sizes, for all shapes and sizes of gnomes! Check out Richard Simmons Jr. sharpening his tiny red hat.

And here’s Ceasar with his sharpener…ready for another grueling day in the office.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Hey Horace! Whatsup?! Aren’t those just pencil sharpeners?”

NO.

NO NO NO!

What stupid thoughts you have.

Here’s some weird gnome from Seattle who submitted a photo of himself with his sharpener to be featured in this article. Apparently, gnomes halfway across the country use the same kind of green sharpeners that we do!

I hope you’ve enjoyed this little insight into our world of sharp hats this evening.

Farethewell silly humans,
Horace The Gnome

I told her to hold off telling anyone, but there she goes with her big mouth. Women.

So screw a formal public announcement. Tabitha and I are getting hitched.

Yep.

Your Commander in Chief,
Jerry The Gnome

All you doubters out there can eat your words! And my shi…..well, just eat your words and be done with it, okay? Because you are dealing with the Queen-To-Be, herself! For real this time…promise!

Jerry took me out last night to a drive in movie. We saw the new Batman movie. Towards the end, there was some sort of a technical malfunction and the screen went blank. We sat in his Jeep in silence until he finished a bag of stale popcorn.

Then all the sudden he let out a belch and he says to me and I go like this:

“Hey. Y’know what?” ~ Jerry 

“I know plenty of whats. What what a

re you referring to?” ~ Me

“I’m referring to the what about us getting our relationship documented on paper.” ~ Jerry 

“OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! Jerry! Are you asking me what I think you’re asking me? Jerry! Are you FINALLY pulling the trigger? Are you FINALLY making me your queen? Jerry! *SQUEAL!* Are you FINALLY fulfilling your destiny and realizing I am your once and forever love? Jerry! Are you…” ~ Me cut off

“Guess so. Figure it’s time.” ~ Jerry

And that was that.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am gonna be queen of all gnomekind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Most brides are little bitches when it comes to wedding planning. Not Queen Tabitha! I’ve already planned my wedding! It’s all done!

I’ve picked out my wedding china:

I’ve picked out my wedding cake:

Most importantly, I’ve picked out my ring! (shown here on professional hand model, Gnomeplaya)

I’ve also secured an extensive file of engagement photos to post in subway stations and on light poles throughout Gnomeland. Here’s a sneak peak!

Jerry said to keep this quiet until he (being almighty king and all) had a chance to make a public announcement. Well he takes too damn long and I’m too damn excited. I hope this doesn’t fuck something up for him…I mean us….everything is “us” now!

Everything is mine!!!

And love is in the air….gnomes everywhere are making out! To celebrate us! US!

I’ll keep you posted with updates about the upcoming bridal shower and bachelor/bachelorette party. Everyone is invited to come celebrate US!

Your Queen-in-Training,
Tabitha The Gnome

One of our loyal gnome followers recently pointed out that we should host a movie club, as well as a book club. Well, here at The Gnome Abode, your wish is our command!

Oh you’re not sure what I’m talking about? Hmmph. In case you’re half dead and living in a pre-apocalyptic bunker, I have news for you! BIG NEWS!There’s a new gnome movie coming out!

It’s called Sherlock Gnomes and it’s the sequel to Gnomeo and Juliet!

io9 reports that “the gnomes from the first movie have to enlist the aid of a famous gnome detective to solve the disappearance of garden gnomes across England.”

Deadline reports that Kung Fu Panda Director, John Stevenson, will be directing the film, and Elton John is writing the original music.

MovieWeb reports that production will begin early next year, although the release date isn’t clear yet.

WELL, HURRY UP ALREADY! SHEESH!

I’m so happy to see such an exciting new promotion of our people and culture. Stay tuned for updates about the upcoming production start, casting, and behind the scenes footage you’ll only find HERE at www.thedrunkgnome.com.

Peace out gnomies,