So I finally got out of rehab this morning. My manager sent me out to some shithole town in Wyoming to get clean. Said L.A. was my downward spiral or some shit. I’m 2 months, 17 days, 4 hours, and 33 minutes….oh wait 34 minutes….sober. For realz yo.

The bank finally let me get to my money and I picked up a new ride so I could get the hell outta Wyoming. Whaddya think?

I gotta get back to L.A. and start recording again. There ain’t any other gnome rappers out there that are worth shit these days. My fans are gonna be pissed otherwise. I got so many rhymes to spit out and they’re all floatin’ around my head. It’s whack. Gotta get ’em out!

So I’m driving along and this little gnome hottie is struttin’ by with her thumb sticking out. Naturally, I’m here to help the hotties so I pulled over. She said her name was Roxy. When I asked her where she was headed, she said “anywhere but here”.

When I told her I was headed to L.A., she nearly shit herself. Apparently she’s wanting to make it big in the music industry or something. Dunno how she planned to do that walking around the highway in Wyoming.

Anyway, I let her in my sweet ride. I suppose I can always use a hot new gnome backup dancer or two. But before getting in, she insisted on doing a tarot card reading to make sure it was safe.

I guess she’s into some weird voodoo stuff. Maybe she’s just spiritual. I might need a spiritual bitch to keep me off the crack anyway, so I played along.

She pulled these two cards….the Judgement Card and the Seven of Cups.

She held my palm and told me that she could feel my soul. Meanwhile, I felt her boob. She said that the Judgement Card came up for me because it symbolizes moving on from the past and letting go of the sins we’ve committed. She said the Seven of Cups “daydream” card came up for me because it symbolizes keeping creativity and self-indulgence in check to so that it doesn’t run wild and prevent goals from being achieved.

That’s some serious shit yo. I felt a tear. I felt her boob again. This Loxy, or whatever her name is, must be my soul mate. No one gets me like that, not even my boys. And that’s the straight truth.

See ya Wyoming….L.A. here we come!

Lil’ Dimwit The Rapper Gnome

Good afternoon, my minions.

One of our Gnome Scouts, “Hurricane”, snapped this candid photo of two gnomes making out on a balcony. A PUBLIC balcony! Right in plain sight! Have they no shame?

A true lady would never be caught in such a promiscuous and disgraceful position. It is times like this that I must quote the lyrical genius, Ludacris.

“We want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed.” ~ Ludacris

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7mXwCktyIY

As the high class lady that I was raised to be, I am truly appalled at the direction in which our gnomish culture is turning. I’ve been researching promiscuity since 7am to see how I can help to put a stop to this epidemic. One thing I am sure about….I’m never going to Finland! They are rated the #1 promiscuous country! But then again, what is there really else to do in Finland. The United States, where The Gnome Abode is, comes in at #22. Well at least in 2000. Perhaps the figures were skewed back then due to the impending doom of Y2K.

Since apparently Roxy has gone on some equally appalling hitchhiking mission, I am the only woman left here. I need to set an example of morality to this lawless gnome community so that they look up to me as a figure of purity when I get King Jerry to make me his wife.

How’s that going, you ask? Eh I don’t know. He booty-called me at 3am completely SMASHED after a night out with the boys. Yes, I let him come over. No, I’m not a hypocrite!

Okay, back to my promiscuity research. I had to take a break and blog a bit because I was getting too turned on. You wouldn’t believe what they put on websites these days!

Oooo ahhh,

Tabitha The Gnome