Dogs and Gnomes! On Video! Making Out!

dvdr_gnomeo_julietPerhaps you recognize me from my Hollywood days. These days I go by Tabitha, but I used to be known by my screen name, Juliet.

Contrary to what you might think, Gnomeo and I weren’t romantically involved off-screen. In real life, I’m engaged to The Gnome Adode’s king, Jerry…in case you forgot.

Gnomeo and I haven’t really kept in touch since our days on the big screen. However, like most former co-workers, we like to stalk each other on the Internet. You can imagine my surprise when I saw this video, which was taken in Yamba, Australia.

http://vimeo.com/70853961

Watch it, seriously. I mean, what the hell was this dude doing in the middle of the street? He should really know better than that. Gnomeo & Juliet had all sorts of gnomes getting smashed and injured. Some bastards never learn.

doggnome

And apparently, now he’s making out with dogs?! Clearly, he’s abandoned all his standards.

Not that I’m bitter or anything. I mean, why should I care. I’m engaged TO THE KING for gnomessake!

But I dunno….should I really contact this fish & burger bar so help him find his way home? Or would that look desperate? Or give him the wrong impression?

Working relationships are difficult…

Ugh,
Tabitha the gnome

Still Riding the Blueberry Wave…

We gnomes haven’t stopped drinking blueberry beer since we first started chattering about it.

In honor of yet another day that ends in “y,” I invited a pink monkey out on a blueberry-themed date. Her name is Ginger, and even though she’s pink, she still loves all things blue…including my stylish blue hat.

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On the romantic dinner menu tonight: Sea Dog Wild Blueberry Wheat Ale and homemade blueberry pie a la mode.

Mama Gnome always said, the way to a pink monkey’s heart is through her stomach. Her very rotund stomach, full of beans. Wish me luck!

Sincerely,
Rubber the finally-dating-again gnome

Memorial Day Cheers from the Drunk Gnomes!

 

photo (14)Three-day weekends mean even more booze-induced incoherence than usual for us drunk gnomes. So we’ll make this short and sweet to avoid any embarrassing misspellings or heart-felt revelations.

Memorial Day may be a human holiday, but we jump on board those when there’s a miscellaneous day off of work involved. King Jerry made mention that Memorial Day is supposed to be about soldiers fighting in wars and stuff. But try as I might, I haven’t found a soldier or a war all day! All I can seem to find are barbecues, cold beers, and outdoor shenanigans.

photo (4)Such a pity.

We’ve been riding the coattails of human tradition by…

  1. Cooking out on an ancient wood-burning stove (reminiscent of the human olden days)
  2. Going bicycling (in hopes of fitting into my bathing suit by noon today), and
  3. Planting some flowers (to ensure we have something to pee behind later).

photo (6)While we don’t expect to remember too many memories of the day, we hope all you gnome and human celebrators make the most of yours.

Wave a freaking flag or something!
ChumbaWambaIGetKnockedDown the Gnome

Gnomes Discover an Umbrella Cover Museum

 

In case you didn’t realize, we gnomes are into weird crap. Today, we came across something entirely random for no reason at all.

An umbrella cover museum!

umb1Nancy Hoffman is our new hero. She is the proud owner of 730 umbrella covers, which is the Guinness World Record! Now don’t misunderstand me….I’m not talking about umbrellas. I’m only talking about their COVERS!

Go to Peaks Island, Maine if you don’t believe me.

umb2Their mission statement: “The Umbrella Cover Museum is dedicated to the appreciation of the mundane in everyday life. It is about finding wonder and beauty in the simplest of things, and about knowing that there is always a story behind the cover.”

We can get behind that, Nancy…sure we can. If you have old umbrella covers lying around your porch, we gnomes encourage you to donate them to Nancy. She will totally be way more into them than you are. Promise.

Until next weird time,
Yankee Doodle The Gnome

The Drunk Gnome Is Shutting Down

 

APRIL FREAKING FOOLS!

Think you’re gonna get rid of us that easy? Heh. You hooligans got another thing coming.

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Happy April 1st from the magnificent highways of Southern Wisconsin!

P.S. – No, I’m not pregnant…no matter what the other jokester gnomes try to tell you.

P.P.S. – The hammocks in that calendar photo look mighty swell. Anyone know where I can pick one up that’s my size?

xoxo,
Phillip the Gnome