Of course I’ve had my share of stalkers in my day. I mean how could it really be avoided? I’m a gorgeous, brilliant, rare, and irresistible gnome lady. The “stalking” usually never amounted to more than showering me with gifts and excessive late night texts begging for me to come over. Those things I can handle.

Know what I can’t handle? That little bastard who goes by the weird name, The Book of Genesis. That’s why I had to file a restraining order against him today.

It all started when “The Book” and I met at a wedding I was bridesmaiding in a few weeks ago. I was pissed at Jerry and flirting with The Book to try to make him jealous. Jerry was too wasted to even notice so it all turned out to be pointless. I guess The Book got the wrong idea, because he fell completely head over heels for me. I can’t really blame him, but he took things just a bit too far.

His level of stalking went far beyond what I would consider, like Facebook stalking. Hell! Everyone does that!

His texts began once an hour. Then once a minute. His phone calls began began exactly in between the once-a-minute texts. His emails were no less than 5,000 words each and professed his willingness to do whatever it took to make me his. I kept seeing the top of a pointy hat outside my bedroom window periodically throughout my day. Somehow he managed to hide before I was ever able to catch him. I swear I wasn’t hallucinating. I think I’ve been off hallucinogens for a couple days now!

Then yesterday, I found this creepy check list in the grass outside my bedroom window.

I started to panic. I frantically ran around The Abode, locking all of the windows and doors. Then I realized that he’s an Abode resident so he has his own set of keys. Shit.

With trembling fingers, I rummaged through my purse to call the police and file a report. You’ll never believe what I found. I was appalled to find that he had written a message in HIS OWN BLOOD on the back of my g-Phone case! OMG.

I ran to the kitchen to use the house phone and after an excessive hold time, I finally reached the Stalking Department of the GPD. According to a paper I signed and paid a pretty penny for, The Book is not allowed to come with 500 feet of me. However, I just realized that he never signed the restraining order and likely doesn’t even know that a restraining order exists.

The legal system is whack. I think I’ll just make Jerry kick his ass.

Your Future Queen,

Tabitha The Gnome

So I’ve been riding around with this gansta thug straight out of rehab named Lil’ Dimwit for awhile now. There are times when a girl’s just gotta lower her standards down a notch or two. He says he’s this famous gnome rapper, but I’m not so sure. He mumbles with a mouth full of marbles even when he talks, so I can’t imagine how that marble mouth would rap.

Anyway, he has become totally obsessed with me. He thinks I’m his soul mate just because I let him touch my boob a couple times as a “thank you” for letting me hitch along. I did a tarot card reading for him and it turned out pretty positive, so I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t making a horrible mistake. Tarot readings aren’t completely fool proof. I’m also getting really freaked out about all the times he’s had to swerve to avoid oncoming traffic because he’s too distracted  feeling me upin the passenger. Okay, so I am just wearing my seat belt and nothing else so I can work on my tan in the convertible. But still! I don’t understand why he can’t keep his eyes on the road!

I keep having more and more doubts about this arrangement and my safety. And I saw a sign this morning that we were less than an hour from Vegas. I’ve always wanted to see Vegas.

Today I drew my daily tarot card and this is what I got…THE DEATH CARD.

The Death Card doesn’t mean physical death. It’s all about transition, transformation, rebirth, and permanent change. It symbolizes a sweeping away of the old to make way for the new. With this in mind, I knew I needed to leave Lil’ Dimwit behind and try my hand at Vegas.

Lil’ stopped to fuel up just outside the city limits. I excused myself to the ladies room. And I never saw that groping bastard again.

It was still daytime so I couldn’t see the bright lights of the Vegas strip yet. But one landmark stood out above the rest….The Stratosphere.

I hitched my way to The Stratosphere and found my way to the pool to continue on with my sunbathing. There was just enough room under the pool gate for a gnome to sneak under without having resort reservations. Whew. After all, those seat belt straps made some nasty tan lines on the ride. Oddly enough, I ran into Sheldon at the pool. That kid is absolutely everywhere! I can’t believe how much he gets around!

No more than five minutes of sunning myself passed before this big poppa gnome strutted by my lounge chair and asked if the most beautiful gnome at the pool would prefer a piña colada or a strawberry daiquiri. “One of each, if you really wanna impress me,” I replied.

Smiling to myself at my effortless luck with hot men gnomes, I pretended to read a magazine and waited for my two drinks to arrive. Moments later, here he was with an entire tray of drinks as well as jello shots. Saaaa-weeeet!

My new favorite dude introduced himself as Hubert H. Humperdinker and gave me the Cliff’s Notes of his life story. Apparently he used to be a prison guard and some criminal arrested for illegal gnome trafficking escaped from the jail cell he was in charge of. However, instead of doing his job, he hired a hooker and was having his way with her in another cell across the hall. I guess the convict is still on the loose and Hubert was quickly out of the job.

He said I could call him “Humps” and I snapped this quick pic of him with my g-Phone.

He seems totally paranoid and suspicious of everyone, so he carries around a poisonous frog for protection. I think the frog’s kinda cute though, so I don’t mind. He also seems to have some sort of neck condition because his head bobs around a lot. It seems like one of those “don’t ask, don’t tell” kinda things for someone you just met.

Anyway, I’m going to continue slamming these jello shots with Humps and see where the day/evening/tomorrow takes us. Thank you, Death Card. The transition has happened, let the transformation begin!

Slippery, slutty, & slightly sunburned,

Roxy The Gnome