Category Archives: Secrets of a Slutty Girl Gnome

I like to compare myself to Smurfette. I’m surrounded by dude gnomes 24/7, so how could I not be a total slut?

Screw everyone. I’m hitchhiking.

Posted on by
Reply

So yeah get this. I’ve been riding around in this smelly ass van now for over a month with what I thought was the HOTTEST BAND EVER, Amish Meth Lab. We’ll they’re getting kinda lame. So it’s time for me to bail.

The band hasn’t had a gig since I’ve been riding along with them. Ugh. We keep making these stupid pit stops in boofoo middle of nowhere shit towns in Wyoming and whatever that state next to Wyoming is. Meh. We’ve been out of pot for about a week now. WTF? I’ve hooked up with each of them, and I can’t say any of the four were all that memorable. Womp womp.

Yeah, it’s time. So I guess this is my farewell letter to the band or something. It’s not really worth the dramatic confrontation to me to do it person, so bloggidy blog blog blog. GET IT?!

I did learn something by hanging out with Amish Meth Lab this path month at least. I learned that it doesn’t take SHIT for talent to be a rock star! Therefore, (drum roll, please) I am going to be the next big girl gnome pop singer! Mark my words. You read ’em here first!

I can dance like yo’ momma wouldn’t want you to see. And I can lip sync pretty freaking good.

Brittany Beavers is totally what I wanna be….and what I know I can be! Ever since she won Gnome Idol last season, I’ve been stalking her on Twitter. I think we could totally be, like, best friends forever.

Based on Brittany’s last Twitter post, she’s gonna be touring around some clubs in NYC for a few weeks. So that’s where I’m headed. Do I gotta car? Nope. I don’t need one! Do I got tits. Ah hells yeah!

I got a extra-small size tank top on and extra tube of lipstick in my purse. I’m hittin’ the highway, bitches. Pick me up if you see my stuttin’ my stuff along the interstate, will ya? If you’re good, you might get something in return. If you’re not, you’ll get a bullet to the eyeball. Don’t even think for a second that I’m not carrying a 9mm in my garter belt!!

See ya on the side of the road, (I think I’m still somewhere in Wyoming, but I’m not exactly sure),

Roxy the Gnome

 

 

 

Where are we and what is that wretched smell?

Posted on by
Reply

For the first couple days I asked questions like that. But now I’ve stopped even trying to get a straight answer. This is life on the road in a tour van.

So yeah, bitches…my voodoo spell totally worked and I am have been inducted as the one and only groupie of the HOTTEST all gnome band, Amish Meth Lab!!!!!

They had a show a few days ago or something. I think it was in San Fran….I think so anyway. After the show, I remember Starr throwing me over his shoulder and into the tour van.

I’m trying to retrace my the steps of my past few days right now, so bear with me, K? There were bottles being passed around. I remember sitting on Starr’s lap. I remember puking. I remember Starr holding my hair back. Um…um….ok that’s all I got for ya right now.

After some minutes/days/hours passed, I woke up in the middle of the night and scratched my head, only to find there was peanut butter in my hair. Too hungover to do anything about it, I lied back down on the floor of the van and let the soothing roar of the engine let me return to the unconscious world.

I have decided that Starr is my soul mate. He’s so mysterious and so hot. The chase is always better than the catch anyway.

I overheard Lennon and McCartney talking in the front seat about how the next tour stop was in some place called Battle Mountain, Nevada. Based on my badass Wikipedia skills (on this fancy smart phone I stole from that douchebag awhile back), Battle Mountain looks lame as shit.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_Mountain,_Nevada

Population 2,871?! Where’s the battle and who is fighting? What kind of crowd to they expect in a place like that?

But then again, what do I know? Maybe there’s a huge fan base over there. Shout out to anyone from Battle Mountain, Nevada! Shout out! Anyone! Anyone? 

Lennon keeps making disgusting jokes about wanting to go there because they have the letters BM carved into the side of the mountain at the edge of town. BM. Hardy har har. What are we, in  second grade? But speaking of, the wretched smell in this van is getting worse and worse. I sure as hell hope they don’t expect me to clean up after them since I’m the only chick in here.

Here to party….not here to clean,

Roxy The Gnome

Walking out of shame and towards an Egg McMuffin with a Red Bull

Posted on by
1

What the hell day is today? I think it’s St. Patrick’s Day. Or maybe that’s next weekend. Whatever, when you’ve been unemployed for as long as I have the days all run together anyway.

I was at a St. Patrick’s Day party last Saturday night, regardless of whatever day it was. And I just woke up about ten minutes ago. What? Don’t tell me you’ve never had a 46 hour hangover recovery sleep!

 

Much to my surprise, there was this cute little dude gnome next to me when I woke up. He is still passed out so I snagged his smart phone to post a blog update and maybe shower off whatever the hell happened last night. Here’s a picture of him sleeping. See….isn’t he kinda sorta hot in that older, more experienced kind of way?

Dear lord, there’s a lot of green beads on the floor. But oddly, no clothes. Where. Are. My. Clothes.

I’m walking around his gnome-abode right now scoping out what his life looks like and for some kind of hint of what his name might be. So far, I haven’t found any clues to his name. But he does seem oddly obsessed with racquetball and badminton. Um yeah. His furniture isn’t very nice. He probably has some kind of a shit job.

Maybe I’m being too harsh. I remember him being really sweet at the party last night. He was a friend of a friend of a friend, or something. He gave me the cutest little charm for my purse. I have no idea why he had a charm in his pocket in the first place, but why ask questions when being given a gift?

Ugh, he’s still snoring. Screw the shower. I need an Egg McMuffin and a Red Bull. His phone’s kinda badass…I think I’ll just “borrow” it for awhile. Surely he won’t mind after all of the things I did to him last night.

Gnomie don’t play dat.

Tip toeing out the front door in an extra-large Van Halen t-shirt,

Roxy the Gnome

Gwen Stefani, vaginas, and nail polish

Posted on by
Reply

Well I guess no one is out there reading this after all because I’m still hanging out eating cereal and watching cable in this stranger’s house. I took a shower and got all the green jello off though. It wasn’t easy, believe me. That stuff gets in places….you have no idea.

A few gnome dudes come in and out of the house during the day, but they barely even notice I’m here. I think I’ve stumbled upon some sort of hippie commune. I’ve been reading about those on the interweb. I still haven’t found my magenta stiletto, but I did find a cute pair of silver flats in under a couch in the living room. They’re a teensy bit too big for me, but I don’t dare walk around here with bare feet. I’ve seen some bugs crawling. What kind of bugs? Don’t ask me that! How the hell should I know. And no, I haven’t gotten used to bugs from living outside most of my life either.

It’s hard being the only girl gnome in a family of eleven. My ten brothers never understood why these weird things started sticking out of my chest or why I spent two hours every day curling my golden locks around my pointy gnome hat. “Just stick it on and hurry up!” they’d yell. OMG! WTF? My brothers never understood me. I ran away last week because I had to prove to them that I wasn’t a mistake. Mom and Dad always told me I was the “oops” but I’m NOT an “oops” just because I’m a girl!

Gwen Stefani said it best….

I'm just a girl!

So whatever, here I am. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for someone to notice me. Waiting to see another girl gnome somewhere! ANYWHERE! Sheesh I know you’re out there! If you can hear (read) me, write me back PLEASE! I need to talk about vaginas and nail polish for godssake.

xoxo

Roxy the Gnome

Magenta stiletto, anyone?

Posted on by
Reply

Um, I’m not sure if anyone is reading this or out there or what. But I woke up in a bathtub with chunks of green jello in places that green jello should just never be.

I remember being invited to this housewarming party by some cute lil’ gnome fella I met at the bus stop the other day. I remember a bathtub full of green jello. I remember people digging green jello out of the bathtub with spoons. I’m pretty sure there was more in that jello than just jello.

Anyway, it’s 5pm and I just work up in this weird house and no one seems to be home. I can’t find my phone or my car keys so I guess I’m just stuck here. One of the gnomes that lives here left his computer on and this weird blog thingie was up. I figured this is my only way to reach the outside world. SO HI OUTSIDE WORLD!!!

Anyway, I’m not all that concerned about getting out of here. They have cable and a bunch of cereal in the cupboards. What I AM concerned about is my magenta stiletto. I have one of them but not the other, so this is clearly a problem. I took a picture of the one I have so if you see it somewhere out in the world, you can blog back to this thingie and hopefully someday we’ll be reunited.

Magenta Stiletto, Size 0.07

I wear a size 0.07 (yes I know it’s the perfect size feet for my gnomish body type) so you might have a hard time seeing it if some beer bottles or cigarette butts are covering it up.

Irregardlessly, please contact me somehow! I think I got a bunch of gnome guy’s phone numbers last night but I lost my phone so I won’t have a booty call tonight unless you’re reading this. Hint. Hint.

xoxo,

Roxy The Gnome