NOW HIRING: Gnome Chef Position Available for Abode Cafeteria

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WANTED: An innovative, passionate, and customer-oriented Gnome Chef with 20 years of culinary and operational management experience successfully directing high-performance gnome teams within high-volume, high-profit, full-service restaurant, fine-dining, family-style, in-room service, and catering environments. Effective motivator, mentor, and team-builder accustomed to working under fast-paced, high-stress, time-sensitive gnome conditions.

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Acknowledged for capacity to manage multiple gnome responsibilities simultaneously, proactively resolve issues, consistently exceed key performance objectives, and easily grasp, create, apply, and present new concepts and methods. Articulate gnome communicator and effective trainer dedicated to continuous improvements in quality, productivity, efficiency, and customer service. Strong qualifications in gnome troubleshooting, problem-solving, and team development. Unique ability to interact effectively with all levels of support personnel and management maximizing kitchen productivity and gnome staff performance.

We are tired of eating noodles for every meal. Immediate help requested. Contact me via blog post reply to be considered for this exciting position.

Best of luck,
King Jerry of The Gnome Abode

Grow Your Own Gnome?! Preposterous!

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You’ll never believe what I came across in the supermarket checkout line today. A packaged toy proclaiming to “grow” gnomes.

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Well let me tell you something. Gnomes do NOT grow from packages. We are born…popped out of vaginas just like you after our gnomish mommies and daddies get it on. This is a total hoax, so don’t you go on a minute believing it.

Although I hated monetarily supporting such a fraudulent manufacturing company, I just HAD to buy one and see what kind of “gnome” would allegedly “grow”. The back of the package said to put the tiny creature into water and it would grow 600 times its size.

600 times!? This doesn’t sound healthy at all! How would you like to get 600 times fatter in just three days?!

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Naturally, my curiosity got the better of me. I put the lil’ bugga in some water. The water was contained in a yellow gnome bowl. Naturally.

Three days have now passed…hence my blog post. I covered my eyes as I walked to the kitchen to see what monstrosity lie in the bowl. This is what i found, staring back at me.

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It hasn’t moved any and it hasn’t said a word to me. I don’t know what to make of this so-called gnome, but I don’t trust it.

Should I stab it repeatedly? Should I nurse it back to it’s original size? What do you think I should do?!

Tormented in Tinsel Town,
Yankee Doodle The Gnome

Take MEEEEEE to Costa Rica!

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costa-rica-hotelThere’s been a buzz around The Gnome Abode. A trip to Costa Rice is in the works!

Who the hell am I, you ask? First of all, watch your *&@$*@& language. Second of all, I’m Spechelle…..a special kind of Michelle.

I don’t do this blog much and you probably haven’t seen much of me around. Sucks for you. But I thought this was a good enough reason. So listen up foo’s….this here’s my petition to tag along on this Costa Rica trip. And here’s why.

I can climb trees. Even though I’m not a dude. And even though I’m not white.

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I’m small and won’t take up much room. No shorty jokes allowed.

I’m already tan so I won’t burn in the sun.

I can totally get along with creatures, especially monkeys….which I hear there are plenty of in C.R.

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Besides, ya’ll need my planning skills for this trip too. It’s like two weeks away and your dumb asses don’t even have hotel or activity reservations. There’s chatter about potential zip lining, eco guide tours, caving, canyoneering, and hot springs. But ya need to pull it together or those tropical natives are gonna eat you alive.

Did I mention I can climb trees?

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I don’t see any other gnomes’ petitions floating around yet, so I should get bonus consideration just for blazing the trail.

Text me, take me, I’m yours….
Spechelle The Gnome

Save the Gnomes in Oakland, California!

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The SF Gate published an article over the weekend about gnomes popping up around Oakland, California. They’re 6-inch hand-painted figures on wooden boards screwed to utility poles.

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However, the bastard utility company is threatening to remove them!

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Read all about it: http://www.sfgate.com/bayarea/article/Painted-gnomes-bring-smiles-in-Oakland-4226330.php#photo-4084239

People in the area love them! The wooden gnomes are cheerful and make residents smile as they pass by. And they’re even environmentally friendly! They are attached to the poles by screws instead of nails and are never attached to trees.

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Let us hereby proclaim that we drunk gnomes support you wooden gnomes! May you live long and prosper! And hey…..come visit the Midwest….we’d love to see you around here too 🙂

Yours truly,
Sketchy Andy The Gnome

New Gnome Books: Porn, Lexicon, and Bumps

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Your neighborhood librarian and academic expert here…..just trying to promote literacy and general opposition to gnome stupidity! It’s Friday and you’re probably already drunk. But if not….READ ON!

1I recently read a book that some of you may enjoy. It’s called Porn Gnomes and Other Strange Tales by Paul Chapman. I know what you’re thinking….”Okay sure this is a DRUNK gnome blog, but isn’t PORN gnomes getting just a little bit out of hand?!”

Well I am PLEASED to report that there are no images of gnomes in compromising positions anywhere between the pages of this short story collection. WHEW. None of us need to see that. It’s not like we’re the most attractive creatures on the planet!

Anyhoo, this story seeks to explain the supernatural origin for the graffiti on the walls of bathroom stalls. This is a very important topic and I’m so happy that someone finally addressed it!

The gnomes in the book have awesome names like Stoozlepants, Hallyblomper, Phromfiggener, and Wendlestricker. We are always adopting more gnomes into our abode and they rarely have names when we get them. Therefore, we appreciate other gnomish name suggestions wherever we can get them!

There’s a couple warring factions of gnomes and a whole lot of dirty language. Sewer trolls also foil the plans of the porn gnomes. No surprise….those blasted trolls seem to pop up everywhere….even toilets! FREAKING GROSS YO.

The author, Paul, also posts his works on The Silicon Chickens Project. Someday we hope to see a real silicon chicken, but until then we’ll just read his stuff.

There are two additional books that have been brought to our attention and are NEXT on our reading list!

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  • Goosebumps’ Planet of the Lawn Gnomes – R.L. Stine’s juenile horror story about what the lawn gnomes in people’s front yards are really up to

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Why not pour a glass of scotch and pick up one of these literary masterpieces for the weekend?

Yours in staying smart and informed,
The Quick Brown Fox, Gnome Librarian