A Sneak Peek at Sheldon’s Post-Bar-Fight Medical Records!

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Sheldon still won’t tell us the whole story about how he broke his legs off in Texas. All we know here at The Abode is that he got into a bar fight in Austin and came home totally botched up!

Sheldon fans all over the world have been unable to dry their tears of disbelief and concern.

I passed out last night beside the mailbox after a steady helping of rum and cokes. and just woke up to find our friendly Postal Gnome delivering today’s mail. Hmmm hmmm hmmm….well what do we have here…..Sheldon’s records from Seton Medical Center?!

Time out? Well don’t mind if I do! The gnome community never signed off on HIPAA.

Apparently gnomes don’t read good in Texas, so instead of written medical recordsthey do ’em in pictures.

That silly bastard brother of mine can make anything look like a fun adventure….even tragic de-leg-atation! Just look at him with posing with this bed pan, for example!

That’s a lot of tubes and crap all for one little gnome….where do they stick them all?

These photo records don’t shed a whole lot of light on the incidents that led up to his Texan hospitalization, but they do provide excellent blackmail material!

The only non-paralyzed Rumplesphincter brother,

Maurice, The Gnome

 

 

From the subway tunnel to the city park: An inspirational gnome story

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I assume you all know my gnome brother, Horace. After years of separation, we have finally been reunited in The Gnome Abode! I didn’t even know I had a brother. But, cool!

All the details are still fuzzy, but based upon from the MGR (missing gnome report) that Horace showed me, I was kidnapped by an evil troll living below Gnomeland’s underground subway tunnel. I don’t know what the troll wanted from me or why he chose me specifically. All I do know is that my memory was erased down there. Probably for the best.

Saturday night, I woke up with a terrible headache and my brother, Horace, was standing over me. I only knew that he was my brother, Horace, because he told me he was my brother, Horace. I have no memories, remember?! Plus, we kind of look alike.

Well I take that back….I do remember one thing. “Doors open on the left at Clark and Lake”. Those words ring in my ears at all times. I can only assume that some sort of recording played those words over and over down in the subway tunnel while I was held captive by that evil troll. Since that’s the only thing I can remember, that is what I have chosen as my name. Makes sense, right?

Horace told me that he had left The Gnome Abode to rescue me. I don’t know how he knew where I was. You’ll have to ask Horace for those details.

Yesterday was my first day of freedom! Horace took me to the park and introduced me to liquor and art! Here I am sitting in the sunshine (my ears got so sunburned!) on a beach towel in the park! The light of day! The beautiful light of day!

Horace taught me how to mix something called vodka with something called aloe vera juice. Very tasty!

He also taught me how to draw with colored pencils. I can only assume that he’s a world famous artist. I mean just look at how many different colors of pencils he has!

Horace also taught me how to take what he calls a photograph. He let me borrow his fancy camera and I took a photograph of this tree. I think it’s pretty cool.

I love the outdoors! I’m never going under ground ever, ever again!

Death to trolls,

Doors Open On The Left At Clark And Lake, The Gnome

(P.S. – any suggestions for revenge upon trolls would be greatly appreciated)

Spend your Friday Night at Gnomecino Casino!

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That slutty little gnome girl I picked up at the pool seems to be working out okay after all. I put her in charge of running the diner at my casino and business has been booming lately!

I have noticed that all the diner patrons are horny old men though. Now I don’t have a problem with that AT ALL because that’s the type of clientele that makes Gnomecino Casino some serious cash. Roxy made a couple complaints (which is strictly forbidden in the contract she signed, but I let this one slide) that the diners wouldn’t stop grabbing her boobs.

I tell her….Roxy! Cover ’em up and they won’t get grabbed. She tells me….Humps! If I cover them up we’ll go out of business!

Point Roxy.

So I hired a bodyguard for her. This badass gnome is from Austin, Texas and rides a duck around. Rumor has it that his duck has trampled gnomes three times his size. Those webbed feet are MAGIC.

He had some weird cowboy name that was stupid so I’m in the process of re-naming him.

If you’re planning to stop by the casino tonight, be sure to check out our live show on the main stage. I don’t know who these fools are, but apparently some gangbanger who goes by “Lil’ Dimwit” is rapping along side some random ass band called “Amish Meth Lab”. I have no idea what to expect.

I’m sure no one else has heard of them either so come by and fill a seat whydontcha. I’ll throw in a free watered down margarita to the first 5 gnomes who show up.

Later bitches,

Humps the Gnome

What’s up with this “Butt-Gnome Religion”?

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According to Pascal Press,

“Winston Bedwell held a news conference Saturday asking for help to petition the US government to recognize the establishment a Butt-Gnomes as an official religion. Bedwell was adamant that there are gnomes living in the lower intestines of everyone in the world, and influence how we act and decide our fate in the afterlife.”

http://pascalspress.wordpress.com/2012/03/03/man-wants-recognition-of-butt-gnome-religion/

Bedwell went so far as to post a photo which he described as a bad Butt Gnome after expulsion.

Religion has always been a bit of a sketchy subject in the gnome community. Although we are not aware of any official gnome religion, many gnomes tend to adopt the religion of their human caregivers. I’ve met a fair share of Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Hindi, and Buddhist gnomes who have a clear understanding of their religious beliefs. However, most of us wander around not knowing what’s real, what’s bullshit, and if there is really any more to life than this.

According to WowWiki, gnomes are generally agnostic, atheists, pagans, communists, and being converted into Cataclysm. Apparently there are Gnomish Holy Light clerics in Nethergarde, but they seem to unstable to worship it en-masse.Seems like we are all over the place, eh?

http://www.wowwiki.com/Talk:Gnome

But now I come across an article about this Butt-Gnome Religion. It seems just about as reasonable as any other religion really. And it seems more relevant to gnomes in general, which we appreciate because we are generally self-centered.

I propose that this Sunday, we hold a Butt-Gnome Religion study group to begin investigating this new belief system and decide whether it fits the needs of The Gnome Abode.

Gnomes of all backgrounds and belief systems are welcome to attend and encouraged to bring your own ideas, suggestions, and snacks. Booze will be provided, of course. Start time shall be 12:00 noon.

Please contact me with any questions about this event, dear wayward gnomes, and we shall find the light together.

Your self-appointed spiritual leader,

The Quick Brown Fox The Gnome

Who is this guy?!?

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One of our most favorite Gnome Scouts (who goes by the name, Much) located this amazing photograph on Pintrest. We are dying to know who this man is and where he is located so that we can stalk him.

His gnome community looks amazing and we need to make best friends with each and every one of them. We will travel anywhere to meet him. He may actually be a freakishly tall gnome himself!

Anyone with any information whatsoever should comment on this post.

Puhleeeze!!!

X’Smores The Gnome