Tabitha’s Review of Her First Date With Jerry

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My first couple days at the Gnome Abode have been absolutely miserable. There’s no private showers, no place to get a manicure, and nothing to drink besides cheap beer in a bucket of ice. How do gnomes live like this? I’ll never understand the commoners.

I knew it wouldn’t take long for Jerry, King of the Gnomes, to notice me. I mean, how could he resist this? I coaxed Sheldon into taking me to the backyard tea party shop on Friday because I overheard Horace telling Alfredo that Jerry and Benjamin had a business meeting there at 11 am. I conveniently picked a table for Sheldon and I right next to the one that Jerry and Benjamin were at, looking so professional with their laptops open. (Add one point).

A just a few winks of my long eyelashes and a hint of exposed ankle as I crossed my legs, and suddenly Jerry was hovering over our table introducing himself. (Add one point).He was a bit older than I had expected. (Subtract one point). And when I stood up, I realized that he’s a bit shorter than I expected. (Subtract one point). But money and power can make all of those trivial things irrelevant.

Not to my surprise, Jerry asked me out to dinner Saturday night. When I inquired into what type of restaurants he liked, he had absolutely no suggestions. Indecisiveness is such a turnoff. (Subtract one point).

So I suggested a nearby sushi restaurant I found on Yelp called Zen Noodles and Sushi. Jerry had never had sushi before so I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to flaunt my worldliness. To start the evening, I ordered us a couple bottles of expensive Saki….one fruity and one crisp. Jerry thought the little cups were shot glasses and slammed each one down with a “hoot n’ holler”. It was so embarrassing. (Subtract one point). 

Jerry had no idea how to read Japanese! Desn’t even gnome know Japanese?! God! SoI even had to make our dinner selections. (Subtract one point). I ordered a couple of my favorites, spicy scallop maki and eel tempura maki. I waited for him to ask me to talk about myself and he never did. He also responded to all of my questions with one word answers (Subtract two points) . 

Just as we were starting to get buzzed enough to have a conversation, Jerry grabbed his throat and started hyperventilating. I don’t need to deal with this! Some Asian gnome behind the bar yelled “Choking! Choking! Lawsuit! No!” Panic spread across the restaurant, but I continued sipping the Wandering Poet saki and waited for someone to help him.

Our server ran over to our table started performing the Heimlich Maneuver. A huge piece of eel flew out of his mouth and barely missed my clean pressed blouse. I had even wore my best pearls! Ooooh! The nerve! (Subtract one point).

Turns out Jerry is also allergic to sushi and started breaking out in hives. (Subtract one point). What else could possibly go wrong?!  I kept having to remind myself to be pretend to care and be nice and maintain my focus on becoming QUEEN. I stuck the small bottle of Snow Maiden Saki in my purse and hailed us a cab to a nearby 24- hour urgent care clinic. I got drunk in the waiting room while the physicians’ assistants worked on his nasty swollen beard face and red blotchy ceramic skin.

 

Definitely no good night kiss. Definitely my worst first date ever. But I can’t give up. I will give Jerry a second chance because I came all this way. And I WILL be QUEEN!!!!!!!!!

Rating this date a negative seven (-7),

Tabitha, Your Future Queen Gnome

 

 

TONIGHT! Don’t miss the backstage pass opportunity at Amish Meth’s Lab debut performance!

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Hey Fans!!!

Lennon, Harrison, Starr and I are totally pumped for our show tonight and can’t wait to see your hot asses in the crowd at the Cow Palace!

As our most loyal followers, we’re offering four additional backstage passes to let some lucky fans get to know us up close and personal. Send me a telepathic message for your chance to win!

Harrison is already slurring his speech and swinging around a bottle of brandy. Starr is doing upside down naked yoga poses in the changing room. Lennon and I have been bickering all day about the set list, but eventually I’m sure he’ll realize that I’m right.

Make sure and stop by to chat with our band promoters and pick up some fan gear at our merch table on the way in!

Bright lights, sales figures, and rock & roll,

McCartney The Rocker Gnome

 

Pablo’s “Missed Connection” Ad for the International Gnome Club Newsletter

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As some of you may recall, I suffer from a serious disorder that causes me to produce brilliant works on art in my sleep while completely unconscious. This morning I woke up with an average level hangover and a pile of drool on my pillow.

Nothing out of the ordinary, right? Wrong.

Look who I woke up next to! Okay, so I woke up next to a drawing on a piece of paper of her, not the real life tangible version of her. Irregardlessly, isn’t is beautiful? She’s ridding a white rabbit just like me! We have so much in common already that I feel that she already understands me and I don’t even know her name. Sure, there may be some racial tension once our families meet. She’s clearly a green-skinned alien of some sort and I’m clearly a stubby little garden gnome. But I am a romantic and I believe true love can overcome all obstacles…even unreasonable ones such as these.

I am willing to fight to the death against those weird flying balloon shaped thingies with glowing eyes just to be with her. Now come the hard part….finding out who she is and where she is. Hmm. Surely, she must exist outside of my realm of unconsciousness. This feels too real to be unreal.

I’ve put together one of those “missed connections” ads for the International Gnome Club Newsletter in the off chance that we actually did pass each other in the conscious world and make a real connection. Here’s what I got so far….what do you think?

“You: A flat piece of paper depicting a beautiful alien riding a bunny .

Me: The lovestruck gnome on a bunny you woke up next to this morning. 

Your flowing crimson hair captivates me and makes me wonder if the carpet matches the drapes. We are soul mates. Our bunnies are soul mates.

I propose we meet on Easter Sunday. Then I propose marriage to you. Then I propose coloring some Easter eggs and hiding them in my backyard for our honeymoon.  

Surely, you feel the strength of our connection. And although I am posting this in the ‘Missed Connections’ section of the newsletter, I sure hope I haven’t missed you forever. I will be shamelessly drooling over and masturbating to your picture day and night until Easter Sunday.

True Love Always and Forever,

Pablo The Gnome”

Car washes, massage parlors, and Klonopin

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Suddenly, there’s this really hot girl gnome hanging around here. I don’t know who she is or where she came from, but I want her. She seems a little bitchy, but I’m feeling up for a challenge. My fellow gnommates have always accused me of being a lazy son-of-a-bitch, but suddenly I feel this spring in my step.

That also may have something to do with the bottle of Klonopin I found in a medicine cabinet that one night when the sliding glass door was left open. Taking one of those per hour is reasonable, right?

Irregardlessly, I need to step up my game before I introduce myself to this mystery goddess. I need a shave. I need a job. And I need a better personality. I shaved yesterday, so today was my day to find a job.

I had two job interviews today, one was at the car wash, which is conveniently located next to The Gnome Abode. I’ll admit, it was a little intimidating walking into the shop. There was a huge gnome with tattoos all over his shaved head and a lot of the gnomes spoke some language that I couldn’t understand. The tattooed gnome asked me if I could hold a hose. I said yes. Then he asked me if I’d ever been arrested for stealing money. I said no. Then he said he’d call me and that was it. I don’t even think I gave him my phone number. But I’m still trying to stay optimistic.

My second interview was at a massage parlor that just opened up on the other side of the car wash. I figured they would be hiring since they just turned on their neon green flashing signs a couple days ago. A darling little Chinese gnome lady said hello and offered me a masseuse job on the spot. She didn’t even ask me any questions or ask for my resume. That’s a good thing because I have no prior work experience on my resume. It’s actually just some doodles on a sheet of paper with my name and contact information. I didn’t want to seem to desperate, so I told the parlor owner that I was definitely interested, but weighing my options, and that I would get back to her by the end of the week.

Could I really make a living as a professional gnome masseuse? I’ve never really touched anyone before, but I guess that’s not a prerequesite. The car wash guys seemed cool, but I’m pretty sure I heard snickering in the backroom as I walked out. I need a positive work environment, so I’m not sure if that’s the place for me.

To play it cool, I think I’ll call back the massage parlor tomorrow. I don’t even know it’s called because it doesn’t even have a sign out front! Is that shady? Whatever. I like shady. And income is income. If I can show the hot new girl gnome that I have a paycheck coming twice a month to take her out for a wine, dine, and 69, then surely she’ll be my soul mate for at least a night or two.

Your neighborhood potential masseuse in training,

Maurice The Gnome

I am the victim of a Voodoo spell. And I am drunk.

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Apparently that little ho, Roxy, is trying to teach herself the art of Voodoo so she can cast some crazy love spell and win the affection of some weird new band that’s going on tour. They’re called Mennonite Coke Workshop or something.

How do I know so much about her evil little scheme? Well I just happened to walk by her corner of the yard and this book was literally lying right out in the open. My curiosity got the best of me. There’s some really messed up stuff in there! Just my luck, Roxy happened to be hopping over the fence (most likely coming back from another of her “escapades”) and caught me reading her Voodoo book.

The next thing I know, I’m standing next to a Voodoo doll that looked strangely like me. The next thing I remember after that was sitting at a brewery in MIchigan called Hop Cat. Apparently, Roxy tried to mix up some “revenge brew” from the ingredients listed in her book. But I guess she fucked up because here we are drinking brews in a brewery. Not that’ I’m complaining…

While Roxy was busy studying her book to fix her brew spell, I ended up having time to give six brews a try. Initially, I was disappointed because there were no samplers offered. Point down. I tried to distract myself with the beer posters on the ceiling, eclectic art on the walls, and sun-catchers in the windows.

http://hopcat.com/main/BeerList.aspx

  1. My first brew was the Heavenly Hedgehog, a bourbon barrel aged strong ale at 9.1% alcohol. This had the strongest bourbon flavor and smell I’d ever encountered, which is a positive comment. It had a very smooth taste and I will definitely be drinking this again. 
  2. Roggen Bitch was brew number two, coming in at 4.9% alcohol. I’ll be honest, I got it because of the cool name. It was pretty standard but drinkable. It was smooth bud didn’t have any significant spice. 
  3. Brew #3 was Solitude by Vivant Brewing. It was 6% brown ale that was bland and needed more spice. However, it was very drinkable at this mid-stage of afternoon drinking. 
  4. Hopasaur by Hop Cat was brew #4. Even though it was 8.7% alcohol, it was so goddamn hopping that I couldn’t even take two sips. Sad, I know. The citrus smell was alright, but keep it away from my taste buds. 
  5. Brew #5 was Brainless on Cherries by Epic in Salt Lake City. It was 10% alcohol and very sweet. The slight bitterness didn’t overpower the sweetness, much to my liking. It didn’t taste too alcoholic but every other gnome at the bar scoffed at me for drinking such a girly drink. 
  6. I wrapped up my round of brews with Raisin Apollo from Shorts Brewery. Surprisingly, it wasn’t too hoppy and didn’t taste that much like raisins. Thank god. I am terrified of both those things. It had a bitter aftertaste, which might be some of the raisins coming through. Which means I’ll likely have nightmares tonight. 

Just as I was about to order my 7th beer, Roxy stuck that little blue doll in my face again and suddenly we were back in the Gnome Abode. Once I sober up, I need to go talk to talk to her and figure out what the hell just happened.

Light as a feather, stiff as a board,

Kamikaze The Gnome