JUST IN! Clear your calendars and cancel all your plans!
The latest and greatest all-gnome band is going on tour! Don’t miss the tour kick-off date April 1st at the Cow Palace in San Fran. (Shout out to GnomeCow for the terrific tour poster! HOLLA!)
Stay tuned to meet the steamy, dreamy members of Amish Meth Lab and to keep up with the latest tour bus shenanigans while hitting the road towards a venue near you.
What the hell day is today? I think it’s St. Patrick’s Day. Or maybe that’s next weekend. Whatever, when you’ve been unemployed for as long as I have the days all run together anyway.
I was at a St. Patrick’s Day party last Saturday night, regardless of whatever day it was. And I just woke up about ten minutes ago. What? Don’t tell me you’ve never had a 46 hour hangover recovery sleep!
Much to my surprise, there was this cute little dude gnome next to me when I woke up. He is still passed out so I snagged his smart phone to post a blog update and maybe shower off whatever the hell happened last night. Here’s a picture of him sleeping. See….isn’t he kinda sorta hot in that older, more experienced kind of way?
Dear lord, there’s a lot of green beads on the floor. But oddly, no clothes. Where. Are. My. Clothes.
I’m walking around his gnome-abode right now scoping out what his life looks like and for some kind of hint of what his name might be. So far, I haven’t found any clues to his name. But he does seem oddly obsessed with racquetball and badminton. Um yeah. His furniture isn’t very nice. He probably has some kind of a shit job.
Maybe I’m being too harsh. I remember him being really sweet at the party last night. He was a friend of a friend of a friend, or something. He gave me the cutest little charm for my purse. I have no idea why he had a charm in his pocket in the first place, but why ask questions when being given a gift?
Ugh, he’s still snoring. Screw the shower. I need an Egg McMuffin and a Red Bull. His phone’s kinda badass…I think I’ll just “borrow” it for awhile. Surely he won’t mind after all of the things I did to him last night.
Gnomie don’t play dat.
Tip toeing out the front door in an extra-large Van Halen t-shirt,
Roxy the Gnome
Check out pages 200 and 201. Sure the link looks intimidating, but you won’t regret it. I command you! DO IT!
For the love of all that is holy and gnomish in the world, would someone please help me make these?
I know I’ve never been the most domestic gnome by any means, but a fond old roommate of mine sent me this link and I am truly inspired. The last cupcake I made about ten years ago looked something like this. As you can see I need some serious help.
Sheldon was just reading over my shoulder (I HATE when he does that) and says that eating gnome-shaped desserts is a slippery slope to a downward spiral of cannibalism. I pointed out that cannibalism is typically only used in terms of humans, and obviously we aren’t human. Therefore, since there is no such word in the dictionary as “gnomabilism”, I win this argument and I can make my cupcakes with a clear conscious.
Contact me anytime, day or night, if you can provide some artistic guidance help making my baking wishes come true. Please, freaking please.
Sugary sweet rotten teeth of pure bliss,
Caesar the Gnome
So Jerry and Horace threatened to snap my broom handle in half if I didn’t finish the entire household’s laundry before the end of the weekend. They can be total bullies sometimes. I may or may not be a push-over. I don’t have a problem with taking my turn doing the household chores, but I can’t help to notice that I’m the only one doing all of the work. I was hired to work in this backyard as a Sweeper. Seemed easy enough from the ad I responded to…. See some dirt, sweep it up, repeat, repeat, repeat.
But today I find myself at a laundromat. Washing EVERYONE’s solid colored shirts and suspender pants with some goopy stuff the girl at the front counter kept referring to as “detergent” and “fabric softener”. WTF?!
The closest laundromat I could find was an oddly bright colored establishment called Bubbleland. (Bubbleland, I thought….sounds like a fun place full of merriment and joy!) I was wrong. Dead wrong.
First of all, look at this place! It’s freaking creepy as hell! Bubble letter “Clean is good” slogans? Why is everything so bright? Why am I fenced in? How is that man in the black shirt coping with these conditions?!
Second of all, the smallest of all the washing machines cost $1.80! How does any gnome ever afford to have clean clothes! Isn’t this a basic gnomish right!? I’m writing my alderman a strongly worded letter.
Third of all, the dryers were so huge that I literally had to climb into it to start pulling the dripping wet mass of clothing on top of me. It was humiliating. You know all those cheesy romantic comedies where a cute single guy gnome and a cute almost-single girl know catch each others’ glance across the rows of dryers, fall in love at first sight, and overcome a test of obstacles in their lives to be together and find true happiness? (I love those movies)
WELL THOSE MOVIES ARE A LIE! I’m never going to meet the gnome girl of my dreams here if I look as ridiculous as I do sweeping in a dryer!!!
A grueling four hours passed and finally the spin cycle made its final spin. Time to crawl back in and pull ’em out. Ugggghhhhh….
Ooo…
OooooOOOOOO! So warm! So clean! So fresh! Oh I think I’m just going to stay and nap in here! The other gnomes would be SO JEALOUS if they had ANY idea how amazing this feels.
What? What’s that you’re mumbling about, weird man in the black shirt? No. No. But…but…but…You can’t be serious. NOW I HAVE TO FOLD EVERYTHING?!?!??!?!??!?!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As you well know, gnomes are crafty lil’ bastards. I like to think I’m the craftiest of us all. I am a free spirit. I blow where the wind takes me. I create works of art to bring smiles to strangers faces and to keep my wallet full enough to travel from one destination to the next.
An acquaintance gnome I met at pottery class sent me a video about how to make your own earrings! Check it out!
After hours of stabbing myself with pliers too large for my tiny hands and getting burned on on metal welding thing-a-majigs that are scary as shit….I have created my first pair of earrings! 
Eat your heart out, Juicy Couture.
Yes they are gnomes holding lanterns!
No, I don’t have my ears pierced. But that leads me to my next project for this afternoon…..self-piercing! Anyone want to come over and be my guinea-gnome? I’m sure they’ll look almost as amazing on you as they do on me.
~ Peace, love, harmony, earrings ~
Cowabunga the Gnome