Monthly Archives: May 2013

Gnomes and Rental Cars: An Interview

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Who knew that gnomes could be accessed by rental car?!

Although this Hertz travel article seems to have been written with humans in mind, it has provoked an interesting question around The Gnome Abode. Are gnomes legally allowed to drive cars?

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To settle the debate, we asked our one and only driving gnome, Gnouffeur. Here’s how the interview went…

Me: Good morning, Gnouffeur.

Gnouffeur: G’day, Mate!

Me: A-hem. So down to business. What makes you so qualified to drive a car?

Gnouffeur: It’s a truck actually.

Me: Okay, fine. Truck. What makes you qualified to drive a truck?

Gnouffeur: I was born with it.

Me: You were born WITH a truck? 

Gnouffeur: Yessir. It was molded to my hand and arse since I was a twinkle in me momma’s womb.

Me: Ew. That’s weird. Moving on….what sort of driving training have you received during your time at The Gnome Abode?

Gnouffeur: I once hauled a penguin.

Me: That’s not exactly training, now is it? Can I see a copy of your driver’s license?

Gnouffeur: Hold on….let me grab some my laminating machine. I drew a picture of me hauling that penguin the other day in my sketchbook. Everything looks more official when it’s laminated. 

Me: A-hem. That won’t be necessary. This is clearly going nowhere. Well, do you have any last words, Gnouffeur?

Gnouffeur: Rice and beans.

Me: (to the camera) Well, you read it here first, folks. The only gnome “qualified” to drive us around is a blooming idiot. Penguins…rice and beans…laminating machine. Gah! I wish you all the best in your transportation endeavors…because you’re surely going to need it.

Reporting live from the living room,
SpeakNoGnome, the Reporter Gnome

Gnouffeur:

Oh For Pete’s Sake…Read Something, You Dumb Oaf!

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Welcome to the continuation of the Gnome Literature Series! After a brief hiatus, we are back to teach you things about gnome literature and thereby make you slightly less stupid. In case you missed last night’s drunken book club discussion (tisk tisk), here are the highlights:

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-Gnomes have triangular brains

-Gnomes are susceptible to sunstroke

photo (4)-Gnomes have visited outer space, but they’re not from outer space

-Gnomes most likely did not build the Egyptian pyramids

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-Just because you suck at soccer doesn’t mean gnomes have to

-Gnomes thoroughly enjoy whistles

Well, that’s your literary update for the day. Hope you were sober enough to pay attention for it.

Yours in Combating Dumbness,
The Quick Brown Fox, The Gnome

Headless Dolls: A Monday Afternoon Stroll

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Nothing breaks up the ho-hum of the start of another grueling week in the The Gnome Abode like a Monday afternoon stroll.

It was rather pleasant outside today, and I found myself craving eggplant. Perhaps you didn’t know it, but gnomes LOVE eggplant.

After picking myself a fresh one at the Mexi-market, I put one ceramic foot in front o the other down California Avenue. Lo and behold, just before I reached Cortland, I laid eyes on a trapped gnome!

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He was faded from the sun and flanked by reflectors! Why are reflectors needed? Is there danger of traffic in this yard? This is no place for a gnome. He didn’t even have any fellow gnomes living in the near vicinity.

This is a call to action for all residents near the Mexi-market. Feed this gnome….he’s pale as shit. Bathe this gnome…it smells like he rarely gets a wash. And bring this gnome a lady…he looks awfully lonely.

The only company nearby was this…whatever this is..

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Headless dolls. Covered in paint. Plucked out eyes. Children’s handwriting about saving a school.

WHAT?!?!??!

This was creepy to say the least. Save the wayward gnome….save him. Somebody.

Sincerely,
Seamus the Gnome

Gnomes & Communism

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A German artist recently made 500 “gnomes” in the likeness of Karl Marx in honor of the Communist leader’s 195th birthday.

The gnome community divided as to our views on Communism, but political views aside, I must declare….these statutes are NOT gnomes!

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These gnomes need hats! C’mon Communists….get it right!

I realize they’re already red, but that doesn’t excuse them from the red pointy hat tradition.

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Maybe I can quickly make and ship 500 hats to Germany to cover the statute’s cold, bare heads. Does anyone else have some spare time this weekend and some extra red felt lying around the house?

PLEASE?
Tabitha the Gnome

Elton John: A Gnome in Disguise?

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Regardless of your musical tastes, you’ve got to hand it to Sir Elton John for his work in the gnome community.

eltongnome2Elton recently decorated a gnome to put on display at the Royal Horticultural Society Chelsea Flower Show later this month. This is what Elton’s gnomish creation looked like. Pretty snazzy, eh?

eltongnomeBut this isn’t the first time that Elton has crossed paths with gnomes. If you recall, he dressed up (in animated form) as Paris, the rock star gnome character in Gnomeo & Juliet. This gnomishly delicious film was produced by his very own film company, Rocket Pictures.

Elton’s sequined creation wearing over-sized glasses is up for auction at the prestigious flower show, which starts on May 21st. We’re all waiting in anticipation to see what rich bastard makes the winning bid. We’re assuming in advance that Elton Gnome is out of our budget.

elton3With this all being said, I can’t help but ask aloud the question that we all are silently suppressing. Is Elton John really just a gnome in disguise? I mean look at this guy. How can you describe him as anything BUT gnome-like?

Chew on that for awhile as your Friday afternoon ticks by.

Yours Truly,
Lennon the Gnome