Feeling a little blah in the midst of this holiday season? Don’t fret, mild to moderate depression affects even the most stable of us gnomes from time to time.

Some gnomes are affected by the monotony of tradition, the memories of loss, the regrets of what could have been, or the emptiness of superficial facades. Other gnomes are affected by loneliness that only the holiday season can bring, the let-down after a stressful build up of preparations, and a general lack of sense of purpose.

Although the practice I run specializes in Chinese medicine, I am also highly skilled in counselling the mental health of gnomes. However, I’m on vacation this week, so you’re all on your own.

Now now….before you start accusing me of being a walking contradiction and a hypocrite, hear me out.

While you may struggle with the holidays, I personally enjoy them. And I need a flippin’ vacation. I spend long hours taking care of all you freak shows and there’s no one around to take care of me. Good thing I can take care of myself. And you should learn how to also.

In the meantime, I will leave you with one piece of FREE medical advice.

WEAR GNOME SOCKS.

I’m serious. Things can be going to shit, but then you look down and litte gnomes are climbing all over your feet. They’re really therapeutic, actually.

My personal favorites can be found at Sock It To Me. Nine bucks is a small price to pay for mental stability. What have you got to lose? Don’t answer that. I already know the answer. You’ve already pretty much lost everything worth living for.

So I’ll be back in the office on January 7th and you can make an appointment with my assistant at that time if the socks don’t cut it. But since January 7th is a long time away, I really do suggest you try the socks first.

May the power of socks be with you,
Dr. A. Chu, MD, The Gnome

The National Institutes of Health go on and on about how smoking is bad for humans. Although it might be logically deduced that smoking is also bad for gnomes, there have been no scientific studies to prove it.

Since the earliest recorded evidence of gnomish history, gnomes have been smoking various things from pipes. Pipe smoking has developed into a way of life and a piece of our culture.

One of the largest gnome “producers”, Kimmel, boasts of many gnome species smoking pipes.

Underground trance artist, Wild Wild Chris, even has a song called Gnomes and Pipes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwTXTmmf_tk

As your neighborhood gnome physician, I hereby declare my intention to conduct a research study involving the positive and negative effects of smoking upon gnomes.

If the results show minimal health risks, then by all means…..smoke up! However, if the results are truly negative, I will direct my next study to reasonable alternatives to pipe use.

Healthily Yours,
Dr. A. Chu, MD

Despite the lack of racial diversity in modern gnome society, Chinese medicine has prevailed as the primary practice for curing gnomish illinesses of all kinds.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dr. Alvin Chu, MD LAC DIPL OM. The Gnome Abode Health Advisory Board hired me today to serve as the general practitioner for The Gnome Abode. I suggest that you peruse the list of services that I offer and schedule a consultation immediately. You’re probably sick and a mere one day closer to an untimely demise.

• Traditional Chinese Gnome Herbal Medicine Treatment: 22 mushrooms

• Traditional Chinese Gnome Garlic and Horned Melon Treatment: 98 mushrooms

• Traditional Chinese Gnome Accupuncture: 49 mushrooms

• Traditional Chinese Gnome Wound Care: 13 mushrooms

Sincerely,

Dr. A. Chu

***Office Location: 17 S. Get Well Boulevard, The Gnome Abode, U.S.A***

***Office Hours: Monday-Sunday 4:00am to 1:00am***