Some gnomes think about shopping on Friday. Other gnomes think about eating leftovers. Call me morbid if you will…but today, I’m thinking of death.

There’s loads of gnome literature out there, but I’ve never seen anything to address questions about what happens to gnomes after they die. Why has nothing been written?! I can’t be the first gnome to have these questions!

My questions  have begun to overwhelm me and I feel the black cloud of Black Friday slowly closing in. Perhaps the approaching “Gnomepocalypse” (December 21st, 2012) is has something to do with it as well.

I consulted my go-to spot, Yahoo Answers, but these seem to apply to only humans. Some of them seem to believe in heaven and hell, some in reincarnation, and some in nothing at all. But what are gnomes supposed to believe in?

There is a serious religious void in our gnomish society. Are there any gnome prophets out there who are able to shed some light upon this blackest of Black Fridays?

Listening to emo music and resorting to poetry in the meantime,
Maurice The Gnome

We at The Gnome Abode welcome all gnomes to join us, even gnomes as old as dirt. 1986 is pretty old, don’t you think? And really….in gnome years, that’s more like 1486.

Without further ado, allow me to introduce you all to The Abode’s newest resident! Hmm. She doesn’t have a name yet. It’s hard to introduce someone who doesn’t have a name.

Anyway. She is part of the “Pumpkin” collection and was sculpted in 1986 by master gnome creator, Tom Clark!

Look! She’s authentic! Not even I have proof of my creator or when I was created. These are deep philosophical questions that I don’t want to get wrapped up in right now though.

She even came with her own money! Now that’s what I call a responsible lady gnome….one who can take care of herself. Sure sure, it’s only a penny. But that had to be worth millions in 1986!

We are taking suggestions for what to name her. So fire away with your best ideas!

She’s the first Tom Clark gnome to join the clan and we’re really excited to welcome such a historical figure into our home. Tom Clark is a master artist and sculptor and the lead artist for Cairn Studio, LTD. Hard-to-find collections of Tom Clark gnomes are sold from a variety of vendors, such as Yukon Shop and The Knot Hole Station LTD.

The welcome party for our new nameless pumpkin lady will be held TONIGHT! 8pm sharp in the living room! BYOB pumpkin beer! Alcoholic pumpkin ice cream will also be served 🙂

Co-Chairman of the Welcoming Committee,
The Book of Genesis, The Gnome

Since King Jerry garnishes my wages and my gnomish government benefits don’t pay worth shit, I have to take advantage of lots of free stuff. Art is rarely free. However, admission to the Art Institute of Chicago is free on the first a second Wednesdays every month! Betcha didn’t know that, now did ya?

The thing is, only human art is shown here. Meh. Human art is weird and dumb and I don’t get it. I’ve been wanting to start a gnome art museum that features only art made by gnomes. However, starting a museum sounds expensive, and like I said….I’m broke.

I planned to visit the Art Institute for ideas and inspiration for my own museum yesterday. But instead of just visiting, I decided to steal stuff. C’mon hear me out before you judge.

Um… yeah….so I don’t really have a good defense. I just wanted some souvenirs. It was so easy too! The security guards never expect anything from a tiny, harmless gnome!

So I stole a couple things. Okay, whatever just don’t tell anyone. Okay? Cool, thanks. Now, check out what I snagged!

1. Glass paperweight that kinda looks like a bong. This could come in handy. Party at my place Friday night?

2. A crap ton of other paperweights. WHY? Where do these collectors live that is so windy that they need this many paperweights to keep their documents from blowing away? Why aren’t humans ‘going paperless’ anyway!?

3. A casket from Spain! It’s made of silver and oak and ya know, none of us live forever, right?! Let this post hereby serve as notice that I shall be buried in this fancy little casket when it is time for me to pass into the gnomish afterlife.

4. Creepy painting with a bunch of fat babies armed with weapons. It creeped me out so much that I couldn’t look away and I just had to have it. This painting has inspired me to recreate this scene with gnome heads put in the place of creepy baby heads. I think it’s gonna be great!

Like I said, don’t tell anyone, alright? Writing a blog post doesn’t count as incriminating evidence, does it? The Abode really needs to hire a gnome lawyer.

Yours in thievery,
Horace The Gnome