Today I ventured out of my comfort zone in The Gnome Abode and traveled to a magical land called Newark, Illinois. Instead of carrying out normal, civilized days like we gnomes generally do, they buy bags of these strange things called Paintballs.

Newark, Illinois residents then put these balls of paint inside of guns and shoot each other. Brilliant!

They tend to shoot each other in areas of strange terrain with stacked blue barrels and structures made of wood. They just shoot at each other over and over and over. For no reason at all!

I decided right then and there that The Gnome Abode needs one of these Newark-style fields. And we all need guns!

I called an emergency meeting as soon as I got back today. I explained and pleaded to my fellow gnomes about the need for a paintball field and my plan to build one.

My pitch was not immediately embraced, as gnomes are inherently peaceful creatures. Only one guy  was quick to pick up a gun and join me. Every revolution has to start somewhere. Practicing on the paintball will even help us learn to defend ourselves in case of future troll attacks.

My gun is camouflage to help me be just a bit more sneaky on the paintball field. I’ve picked out a plot of land for my new best buddy and I to take over and renovate for maximum shooting entertainment. Instead of those silly blue barrels, I plan to install huge concrete gnomes to serve as shields to hide behind while pummeling opponents.

Stay tuned for our grand opening in the upcoming months. And if the other gnomes don’t like it, well we have guns… so whatever.

Shoot on!
Benjamin The Gnome

It’s Monday morning, you lazy sons of bitches!

Shake that pixie dust outta your eyes ‘cuz it’s time to EXERCISE!

WORKOUT SUMMARY 

• GOAL: Lose gnome fat
• WORKOUT TYPE: Full gnome body
• TRAINING LEVEL: Hardcore
• EQUIPMENT: Bike, shoes, swimwear
• TARGET GENDER: Male and female

WORKOUT DESCRIPTION  

• CIRCUIT#1: BIKE 40 MILES. Pedal, pedal, pedal like you’re being chased by an evil troll. You never know when this will actually happen.

• CIRCUIT #2: WEIGHTLIFTING! If you don’t push that bar above your head it will smash you. I suggest pushing up that bar.

• Circuit #3: Swimming. May I suggest swimming in beer for extra motivation!?

Sweatin’ to the oldies,
Rj Simmons, Jr. The Heath & Fitness Coach Gnome

So I was climbing some routes today and found the most peculiar thing when I reached the summit. I would have never guessed such existed, but a voodoo priestess lives atop The Gnome Abode!

After much deliberation, I got her name. She goes by “The Lady of Mount Goom” and she looks old as shit.

She said some mumbo jumbo about cat eyes and red powder. She had a bunch of weird crystals and potions haphazardly scattered around her on the mountain peak.

I was freaked the @*&$ out and didn’t ask anything further. Just one look into those empty soul eyes and I’ll never be the same. She wears a gnome hat, but how can that be considered a gnome?

Somebody needs to go figure out what her deal is, but that somebody sure as hell isn’t gonna be me.

Never gonna get to sleep now,
Sketchy Andy The Gnome

I assume you all know my gnome brother, Horace. After years of separation, we have finally been reunited in The Gnome Abode! I didn’t even know I had a brother. But, cool!

All the details are still fuzzy, but based upon from the MGR (missing gnome report) that Horace showed me, I was kidnapped by an evil troll living below Gnomeland’s underground subway tunnel. I don’t know what the troll wanted from me or why he chose me specifically. All I do know is that my memory was erased down there. Probably for the best.

Saturday night, I woke up with a terrible headache and my brother, Horace, was standing over me. I only knew that he was my brother, Horace, because he told me he was my brother, Horace. I have no memories, remember?! Plus, we kind of look alike.

Well I take that back….I do remember one thing. “Doors open on the left at Clark and Lake”. Those words ring in my ears at all times. I can only assume that some sort of recording played those words over and over down in the subway tunnel while I was held captive by that evil troll. Since that’s the only thing I can remember, that is what I have chosen as my name. Makes sense, right?

Horace told me that he had left The Gnome Abode to rescue me. I don’t know how he knew where I was. You’ll have to ask Horace for those details.

Yesterday was my first day of freedom! Horace took me to the park and introduced me to liquor and art! Here I am sitting in the sunshine (my ears got so sunburned!) on a beach towel in the park! The light of day! The beautiful light of day!

Horace taught me how to mix something called vodka with something called aloe vera juice. Very tasty!

He also taught me how to draw with colored pencils. I can only assume that he’s a world famous artist. I mean just look at how many different colors of pencils he has!

Horace also taught me how to take what he calls a photograph. He let me borrow his fancy camera and I took a photograph of this tree. I think it’s pretty cool.

I love the outdoors! I’m never going under ground ever, ever again!

Death to trolls,

Doors Open On The Left At Clark And Lake, The Gnome

(P.S. – any suggestions for revenge upon trolls would be greatly appreciated)