The Book of Mormon Mentions GNOMES!!!

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Last night, I had the pleasure of becoming just a tad more cultured AND religiously biased. At the same time! A couple of the guys and I went to see the musical, The Book of Mormon, and it was truly spectacular!

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However, the most spectacular thing about wasn’t the clever verses or the choreographed dancing. IT WAS THAT A SHOUT OUT WAS GIVEN TO US GNOMES!!!

Don’t believe me? Here’s a link to one of the very first songs in the performance, “Two by Two”. Scroll over to time mark 1:07 to be amazed:  http://youtu.be/Hgubhr119io

BOO YEAH! Told ya!!!

Here’s how the most awesome part of that song goes:

Elders, form a line and step forward when your name is called. Elder Young.

Yes, sir.

Your mission brother will be… Elder Grant.

That’s  me. Hey, brother!

And your mission location is… Norway.

Oh wow,  Norway: land of gnomes and trolls!

Hold up. Wait a minute. Noway is the land of gnomes? We don’t even know any gnomes in Norway! England, Australia, Germany, USA….sure! But Norway?!

And trolls too!!! Why are those bastards always lurking around where we are?!

Mormon-bookI do believe this shall need to be the subject matter of an entirely separate blog post. We must conduct research about how our cousins over there are dealing with the nasty ass trolls and all those vikings. A Norwegian investigation must commence ASAP! A call to arms, gnomes….not hands, ARMS!

Until then, I’ll keep humming the catchy tunes from the performance and sliding across the kitchen linoleum pretending I can dance. I’m not gonna say that I’ve converted to Mormonism at all, but then again…our gnome prophet, EvanGelical, is still trying to get us started with our very own gnomish church. (Psst….hey buddy, how’s that going anyway?) I guess I’ll hold out for that.

Besides, I’m not convinced that the actual “holy” book mentions gnomes even a single time. I dare you to prove me wrong.

Yours in Joseph Smith-ness,
Dumblebore The (slightly more cultured) Gnome

Adopt-a-Gnome program to raise funds for arboretum

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Originally published in  Waterloo Cedar Falls Courier, IA
December 11, 2012 6:00 am

WATERLOO, Iowa — Mythical figures or kitschy lawn ornaments, gnomes are part of garden folklore, and the Cedar Valley Arborettum and Botanic Garden is sponsoring an Adopt-a-Gnome program to raise funds for the garden.

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For a $100 donation, donors can adopt and name a gnome for one year. The gnomes will be scattered throughout the garden and along paths, and using an educational map children can participate in a “Sherlock Gnomes Scavenger Hunt.”

Gnomes will be painted by volunteers at NewAldaya in Cedar Falls. The adoptive donor will receive a photograph of the finished gnome.

Deadline for adoption is Jan. 31.

The donation can be designated for a specific program or garden or as a general donation. Call (319) 226-4966 or email [email protected] to adopt a gnome.

Extreme Cold Causes Gnomes’ Pipes to Freeze

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PUBLIC GNOME ANNOUCEMENT

Due to miserably frigid temperatures in and around The Gnome Abode, all the pipes in our community have frozen.

This should come as no surprise to you. Look around.

See those pipes snapped into pieces all over the ground? Notice how your water faucet doesn’t put out any water? That’s what I thought. And that’s what is going on.

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Now everybody chill out. Okay, perhaps that was an inappropriate pun. It’s not easy always being the bearer of bad news.

Our Gnomish Fire Department (GFD) is on the job and working as quickly as their frozen ceramic hands possibly can. They’ve got light bulbs, hoses, snails, and a few buckets of water shipped in from the southern hemisphere. They’ve never dealt with a situation quite like this, but I’m sure they’ll do A-Okay.

We will provide you with updates about water usage as they become available.

Until then…drink beer and use perfume.

Your king,
Jerry The Gnome

 

Gnomes Slacking Off to Honor Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Generally speaking, gnomes really aren’t into human holidays. We have our own holidays, our own heroes, and we don’t need yours. However, when there is a day off at stake, we will celebrate anything!

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Gesundheit.

Since none of us are working today, we have had a lot of time on our hands. I’ve been encouraging everyone to learn a little about the MLK Jr. holiday so we don’t come across to you all as ignorant deadbeats.

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A consensus was reached that MLK cards were to be artistically created and mailed to everyone in our address book. A delightful little card company called Card Gnome is a great place to start. We’re still working on this project right now.

We also decided to copy an idea that a few humans from Maine did a few years back. We created “snow gnomes” and placed them outside our courthouse to signify diversity.

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It’s no secret that gnomes of darker skin tones are few and far between However, let it be known that the residents of The Gnome Abode welcome you with open ceramic arms! Plus, we’re getting bored starting at each other’s pasty ole’ selves.

While doing some preparatory research for this article, I stumbled upon photographs of a darker version of Sheldon posing around Chicago. Whodathunkit?! Does anyone know who this guy is and how we can get in touch with him?

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Civil rights WOO HOO!
The Quick Brown Fox, The Gnome

The WORLD’S Largest Concrete Gnome is in IOWA?!?!

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Believe it or not, it’s true. And you know what? We’re headed to visit him this weekend!

The 15-foot tall, 3,500-pound garden gnome, created by Andy and Connie Kautza in Wausau, Wisconsin, set new world record for the Largest Concrete Gnome. Now, the keyword here is CONCRETE.

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The old record was set by a gnome in New York, who was two feet shorter.  A fiberglass replica located in Poland is reported to be taller, but not made of concrete.

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He resides at the Reiman Gardens, in Ames, Iowa. He was even featured on Roadside America!

Stay tuned for exclusive photos of our upcoming visit!

Tootaloo,
SpeakNoGnome the Gnome