Gearing Up For Halloween in The Gnome Abode

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In case you weren’t aware, we gnomes LOVE Halloween! In fact, we’re practically obsessed with it and in an unhealthy way.

Just like humans, gnome celebrate Halloween in different ways. Tabitha celebrates Halloween by collecting, carving, and posing with a many pumpkins as possible. Check out the little one on her shoulder! Awwww….how cute, right?!

Other gnomes take a more gory approach to Halloween. Check out the Lady of Mt. Goom with her glass skull vile full of blood. I know she’s supposed to be an oracle or something, but she just creeps me the hell out.

Speaking of creeped out, apparently there’s a new zombie gnome on the loose in The Abode. One of them rose from the dead last week and well, here we go again! Ugh they’re so disgusting…

Still other gnomes go a simpler route to celebrate. Pictured here is Fernando LeBeef (The Gnome Abode’s bathroom attendant) with his Halloween glow-in-the-dark hand soap. Personally, I’m not so sure about glow-in-the-dark soap. Could glowing gnome skin really be safe?!

Other gnomes see Halloween as an opportunity to broaden their social circle and make new friends. Pictured here is Humps making his introduction to a bizarre skeleton creature who dances to the hokey pokey. I don’t understand it. You’ll have to ask Humps about this one, okay?

And last but certainly not least, here’s how I celebrate Halloween! By dressing up in costumes! I LOVE COSTUMES! You may remember my pink bunny costume and my yellow raincoat costume from my profile pics. Well it’s witch time, bitches!!!

We have many more preparations to take care of before the 31st, but we are well on our way to make this the most spooktacular Halloween these gnomes have ever seen!

Stay tuned for more creepy stuff,
Alfredo the Gnome

P.S. – Send us candy.

Gnomes Behind Bars: Hard time for hard crimes

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Most of us gnomes at The Abode spend our time in bars. You know, the ones with rows and rows of liquor bottles, endless shots, and if you’re lucky….a pool table. The fun kind!

Other gnomes aren’t quite so fortunate. They spend their lives BEHIND bars instead of INSIDE THEM. Sucks to be them, right?!

It’s a little known fact that gnomish society has a prison in each providence. The nearest prison to The Gnome Abode is located at the corner of North Avenue and Oakley Avenue. While passing by today to get my shoes shined at the local cobbler shop, I had to pass by the local prison.

Check out this poor sap. Pushing a wheelbarrow. Surrounded by weeds and ceramic sculptures. And behind bars.

I don’t know what this bastard did to deserve such a punishment, but it must have been something horrendous. Gnomes fairly uphold the truth and the law in all circumstances. Except when we’re drunk, of course.

Stay out of trouble this weekend, kiddos.

Sincerely,
SpeakNoGnome The Gnome

Are Gnomes descendants of Chinese demons from the Tang Dynasty?

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If you happened to read yesterday’s blog post, you know that Horace went to an art museum and stole a bunch of stuff. Good for him! Anyway, last night around the dinner table, he was telling me about something really disturbing that he found during his theft expedition.

Chinese demons of the Tang Dynasty.

Check ’em out. REALLY check ’em out. Don’t they kinda sorta look like gnomes?!

I always thought of myself as a white dude gnome with a good soul. But are all of us really part Chinese?

AND PART DEMON!?!?

This is crazy disturbing. These demons hung out from in 600’s to the 900’s AD and apparently were pretty hardcore.

The Oxford Dictionary of Asian Mythology says:
Demons or gui, are prevalent in the Chinese mythological world. Gui also refers to the secondary soul that is separated from the higher  soul (hun) at death. The superior soul becomes spirit (shen), and  if not treated properly in a ritualistic sense, gui can become a ghost or bad demon. Important demons are Chiyou,  who fought against the Yellow Emperor, Huangdi (see Chiyou, Huangdi); Gonggong  (see Gonggong), who  destroyed one of the pillars of the world with his enormous horn, causing  turmoil on earth; and the Four Evils, which any new sovereign had to over-come  upon assuming rule.

Are there any gnome religious leaders out there? Anyone?! I have so many questions and don’t know where to turn!

Scared to be a demon,
DoorsOpenOnTheLeftAtClarkAndLake the Gnome

Art Museum Theft Blamed On Gnome (and rightfully so)

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Since King Jerry garnishes my wages and my gnomish government benefits don’t pay worth shit, I have to take advantage of lots of free stuff. Art is rarely free. However, admission to the Art Institute of Chicago is free on the first a second Wednesdays every month! Betcha didn’t know that, now did ya?

The thing is, only human art is shown here. Meh. Human art is weird and dumb and I don’t get it. I’ve been wanting to start a gnome art museum that features only art made by gnomes. However, starting a museum sounds expensive, and like I said….I’m broke.

I planned to visit the Art Institute for ideas and inspiration for my own museum yesterday. But instead of just visiting, I decided to steal stuff. C’mon hear me out before you judge.

Um… yeah….so I don’t really have a good defense. I just wanted some souvenirs. It was so easy too! The security guards never expect anything from a tiny, harmless gnome!

So I stole a couple things. Okay, whatever just don’t tell anyone. Okay? Cool, thanks. Now, check out what I snagged!

1. Glass paperweight that kinda looks like a bong. This could come in handy. Party at my place Friday night?

2. A crap ton of other paperweights. WHY? Where do these collectors live that is so windy that they need this many paperweights to keep their documents from blowing away? Why aren’t humans ‘going paperless’ anyway!?

3. A casket from Spain! It’s made of silver and oak and ya know, none of us live forever, right?! Let this post hereby serve as notice that I shall be buried in this fancy little casket when it is time for me to pass into the gnomish afterlife.

4. Creepy painting with a bunch of fat babies armed with weapons. It creeped me out so much that I couldn’t look away and I just had to have it. This painting has inspired me to recreate this scene with gnome heads put in the place of creepy baby heads. I think it’s gonna be great!

Like I said, don’t tell anyone, alright? Writing a blog post doesn’t count as incriminating evidence, does it? The Abode really needs to hire a gnome lawyer.

Yours in thievery,
Horace The Gnome

 

Child Labor Utilized to Construct Gnome Homes

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Did you know that gnomish society has no child labor laws? Well, it’s true! Therefore,we wholeheartedly support putting your children to work for our benefit!

All across the country, children under the age of ten are being hired for contract construction work on gnome homes. Take for example the “Growing Up Wild” initiative in Mahomet, Illinois. The Pekin Times reported that preschoolers were recently hired to hike the Lake of the Woods Forest Preserve, gather supplies, and use fairy tokens to purchase building materials.

The benefits of using children to manufacturer our homes include:

  • Small hands to reach into tight corners
  • Ability to pay staff in cookies
  • Inability of staff to interpret liability waivers
  • Overwhelmingly high energy levels

If you have any children, I encourage you to fill out an employment application for them TODAY! That noisy little waste of space could soon be out of your hair and on his/her way to becoming a productive member of gnomish society!

To put your kid to work, please complete this Official Gnome Home Contractor Application and submit via email to [email protected].

We look forward to ruining as many innocent childhood memories as possible, while staying warm and dry!

Yours truly,
Kamikaze The Gnome