Monthly Archives: May 2012

Why I Hate Sheldon: Reason #358

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#358: Because the little bastard is getting worldwide fame and attention.

Check this shit out: http://ourlasvegas.wordpress.com/the-gnomes-gallery-2/

I pick up the morning newspaper and what do I find? Sheldon and Gnomeplaya have apparently exploded on the Las Vegas indie art scene! They’re currently posted as the second picture down, in which the reclining gnome is apparently checking out Gnomeplaya’s ass. Scandalous.

But what about the rest of us? What websites are the rest of us featured on? Well, I mean, besides this one….which doesn’t really count.

I did a little research in my sober downtime today about this whole “Our Las Vegas” ordeal. Apparently, artist Jesse Carson Smigel of this Gnot the Proper Gnomenclature project. http://www.lasvegasweekly.com/news/2012/may/02/whats-giant-gnomes-arts-district/

As I hacked into Gnomeplaya’s laptop, I found an array of other photographs documenting this epic gnomish encounter that NONE OF US other than Sheldon were made a part of.

I confronted Sheldon about this issue. He simply said that they were big gnomes made of foam and it was nothing to get my panties in a bunch about. Little does he know, I don’t wear panties. Commando baby!

Sheldon went on to say that Vegas wasn’t any place we should be jealous of. Apparently it was almost 100 degrees and he had a couple bad rounds of poker.

As convincing as the dude is, I’m still pissed. I’m attached to a mug for godssake! I could be carried around so much easier than his fat ass.

Jealously raging with my mug full of vodka on a Friday night because obviously I’m not ever going to be rich or famous. GAH!

Sheldon, you are my enemy. And you are going down. Down to a place that no gnome should ever see. Like the inside of a frat house toilet. Yeah. I went there.

HATE!!!

Caesar The Gnome

 

African American Gnome Sighting in Minnesota Provokes Questions About Gnome Diversity

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Minnesota. Heh. Of all places. Who would have thought an African American gnome would be spotted in that frigid wasteland?!

Shout out to our newest Gnome Scout, Nannerpuss, for this amazing gnome sighting!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nannerpuss’ rare gnome sighting provokes a lot of unsettling questions in our modern gnomish society. Where is the diversity?

Why is seeing an African American gnome such a rarity? Why is it worthy of an entire post devoted to it? Where are the Chinese gnomes? Where are the Hispanic gnomes? Why is so there so much goddamn Whiteness going on?!?

The gnome in this photo is considerably larger than most of our gnomes in The Gnome Abode. For pete’s sake, the top of his cap almost reaches the roof! Is he a different species of gnome? Are there not only different races, but also different species?! Where are they? How can we co-mingle with them and make beautiful mixed race/species gnome hybrid babies?! Assuming their races/species have more chick gnomes than we do, of course.

Somebody has to know something! Somebody answer this post! Especially if you’re a minority! Look at me! My skin color is kinda green. See! Take a closer look! I’m one of you! Take me with you! I won’t let whitey get ya down!

Oh my god, this is so disturbing. I’m so distraught. I’m never going to be able to sleep. I can’t believe this issue has never been raised by anyone in the history of gnomekind as we know it! Why am I the one plagued with the responsibility of solving this gnomewide diversity issue?!

I need a glass of wine and a shot  of NyQuil.

Signing off until the next gnome sighting,

Zookwinkle The Gnome

TSA Discriminates Against Traveling Gnomes

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So although my trip out west was amazing, my trip back to the Gnome Abode was not so much. After two days of misery and torture, I was JUST released from the shackles and chains of the TSA dungeon. I bet you didn’t even know there was a TSA dungeon at your local airport. Well I’m here to tell you that there is, I’ve seen it first hand, and it’s not a pretty sight.

During my time in Zion National Park, I encountered a wilderness gnome and quickly befriended him. He doesn’t speak Gnomish or English, so I’m not even sure what his name is. Apparently, he’s a crystal miner by trade and works in the depths of the Zion canyons. I wonder if that’s why his eyes are so red. Or maybe it’s just because he’s perpetually high. Until I learn to comprehend his grunts, I guess I’ll never know.

Anyway, I convinced him that he should visit the Gnome Abode and take a much needed vacation from his tiresome workdays. He’s pretty small, which makes it easy to squeeze through tight crevices and also into my travel satchel. I never suspected that the TSA agents in the airport security line would cause a ruckus over the joining of my new companion. Boy, was I wrong.

Fortunately, I had my Gnomeland passport safely tucked away and flashed it at the security agents upon the first sign of trouble.

I recently got it renewed so it accurately reflects my full name, Sheldon A. Rumplesphincter, date of birth 8/24/1683, place of birth Ingolstadt, Bavaria, and occupation travel writer/male stripper. Hey don’t judge, writing doesn’t pay all the bills!

The ass wad TSA agent rudely scoffed that there was no such thing as a Gnomeland passport that that security would arrive soon to escort me and my dirty friend out of the airport. Fortunately, I’m a hoarder by nature and had even kept the envelope that my passport was mailed to me in. The Gnome Passport Office is located in Canada so clearly, that American idiot must have forgotten there are other countries besides this one out there.

Those idiot agents were still not convinced that I was a legitimate traveler, let alone my nameless miner friend. Therefore, I had to pull out my A game and start name dropping. I whipped out business cards for professional and world renown gnome travelers, Sir Ced and Sir Tommy. I encourage aforementioned idiots to send them a quick email to verify my traveler status. Unfortunately, the Wi-fi in the airport was down so they had to call a technician out to fix the Interweb before they could email my references.

Somehow, it took two days for the Wi-fi to be back up and running at the airport and for the TSA agents to get a response back from Sir Ced and Sir Tommy vouching for my legitimacy. During these past two days, me and my new buddy were locked up in chains somewhere below the airport sewer system in a pitch black room with no pretzels, grog, or flight attendant service.

After a hearty groping session, we finally got home to The Gnome Abode and we are exhausted, cranky, and sober. An awful combination. More to come soon about my actual journey and the amazing time I had in Zion National Park and Vegas.

But for now, I just had to bitch and whine. Hope you don’t mind. Hey that’s a rhyme!

Signing off with a bottle of scotch and a pillow,

Sheldon The Gnome (and nameless creepy miner gnome from the desert who seems to be cuddling up next to me and I don’t know how I feel about it)

Sheldon’s Ceremonial Silly String Send Off!

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As King of the Gnomes in The Gnome Abode, I felt compelled to ceremonially send off our expert traveler, Sheldon, as he embarks into the uncharted territory of Zion National Park and Las Vegas. The lucky little bastard. I am still not sure who he had to sleep with to be appointed to the position of Travel Gnome.

Since 6am, the ever-so-responsible Sheldon has been already packed and ready to go in his cutsie little International Gnome Club bag.

In case you didn’t realize it, we gnomes are huge fans of silly string. Any gnomish ceremony around involves at least a can or two of the magical substance. I sent the gnome I like the least, Phillip, down to the basement to check our supply. Much to my relief, there was PLENTY of silly string down there!

I made that creepy lizard, St. Bastille Day, make sure we weren’t breaking any laws. He always seems to be getting arrested, so I figured he would know the most about getting around the law. The last thing we need around here is another raid by the GPD. Much to my surprise, that creepy lizard did his due diligence, checked his calendar to verify today’s date, and verified that our silly string is within the scope of the law.

I made our new gnome librarian and educator, The Quick Brown Fox, do some research into what silly string is actually composed of just to make sure it doesn’t cause long-term gnomish damage. Propellant? Resin. Surfactant? Other? Sure! That all sounds safe, right?!

So onward and upward with the ceremonial sent off!!!!!!!!!!

You might not recognize him, but THIS is Sheldon after we got through with him. Yes, I authorized this. Yes, I am an awesome leader. Thanks for noticing!

I wonder how his TSA pat down is going to go with that goop all over him. Hahahaha not my problem!

BON VOYAGE, SHELDON!

Jerry, King of the Gnomes

Some Hitchhiker Ho, Judgment, and the 7 of Cups

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So I finally got out of rehab this morning. My manager sent me out to some shithole town in Wyoming to get clean. Said L.A. was my downward spiral or some shit. I’m 2 months, 17 days, 4 hours, and 33 minutes….oh wait 34 minutes….sober. For realz yo.

The bank finally let me get to my money and I picked up a new ride so I could get the hell outta Wyoming. Whaddya think?

I gotta get back to L.A. and start recording again. There ain’t any other gnome rappers out there that are worth shit these days. My fans are gonna be pissed otherwise. I got so many rhymes to spit out and they’re all floatin’ around my head. It’s whack. Gotta get ’em out!

So I’m driving along and this little gnome hottie is struttin’ by with her thumb sticking out. Naturally, I’m here to help the hotties so I pulled over. She said her name was Roxy. When I asked her where she was headed, she said “anywhere but here”.

When I told her I was headed to L.A., she nearly shit herself. Apparently she’s wanting to make it big in the music industry or something. Dunno how she planned to do that walking around the highway in Wyoming.

Anyway, I let her in my sweet ride. I suppose I can always use a hot new gnome backup dancer or two. But before getting in, she insisted on doing a tarot card reading to make sure it was safe.

I guess she’s into some weird voodoo stuff. Maybe she’s just spiritual. I might need a spiritual bitch to keep me off the crack anyway, so I played along.

She pulled these two cards….the Judgement Card and the Seven of Cups.

She held my palm and told me that she could feel my soul. Meanwhile, I felt her boob. She said that the Judgement Card came up for me because it symbolizes moving on from the past and letting go of the sins we’ve committed. She said the Seven of Cups “daydream” card came up for me because it symbolizes keeping creativity and self-indulgence in check to so that it doesn’t run wild and prevent goals from being achieved.

That’s some serious shit yo. I felt a tear. I felt her boob again. This Loxy, or whatever her name is, must be my soul mate. No one gets me like that, not even my boys. And that’s the straight truth.

See ya Wyoming….L.A. here we come!

Lil’ Dimwit The Rapper Gnome