Monthly Archives: December 2012

There’s a Gnome Beverage Company!?!?

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It’s no secret that we gnomes like to brew our own beer. It’s not that your human beer isn’t good. It’s just fine. But we like to use particular combinations of gnomish spices that you’ve never heard of. We also like to increase the alcohol content to levels not yet approved by the human governments.

I went to the neighborhood brew & grow store yesterday to pick up some supplies for my next batch. I turned a corner and I couldn’t believe my eyes!

Gnome Brewing Company!?!?

How have I never heard of this glorious place before?!

I promptly bought out the entire stock of whatever the hell was in this pakcet and scurried home to research their website. www.gnomesoda.com

My only complaint is that they seem to only brew soda….not beer. But that’s okay. Gnomes don’t have to drink to be drunk to be real gnomes.

Most of us do enjoy a daily dose of intoxication. But that’s a choice and not a requirement. Although we don’t really understand the concept of not getting drunk…we still love and respect you freaks of nature.

And if I wasn’t totally obvious….this is a shameless plug for your brewing company so I do expect a free tour with samples when I make my way to Oregon.

Cheers!
X’mores the gnome

Life Rocks When Wearing Gnome Socks

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Feeling a little blah in the midst of this holiday season? Don’t fret, mild to moderate depression affects even the most stable of us gnomes from time to time.

Some gnomes are affected by the monotony of tradition, the memories of loss, the regrets of what could have been, or the emptiness of superficial facades. Other gnomes are affected by loneliness that only the holiday season can bring, the let-down after a stressful build up of preparations, and a general lack of sense of purpose.

Although the practice I run specializes in Chinese medicine, I am also highly skilled in counselling the mental health of gnomes. However, I’m on vacation this week, so you’re all on your own.

Now now….before you start accusing me of being a walking contradiction and a hypocrite, hear me out.

While you may struggle with the holidays, I personally enjoy them. And I need a flippin’ vacation. I spend long hours taking care of all you freak shows and there’s no one around to take care of me. Good thing I can take care of myself. And you should learn how to also.

In the meantime, I will leave you with one piece of FREE medical advice.

WEAR GNOME SOCKS.

I’m serious. Things can be going to shit, but then you look down and litte gnomes are climbing all over your feet. They’re really therapeutic, actually.

My personal favorites can be found at Sock It To Me. Nine bucks is a small price to pay for mental stability. What have you got to lose? Don’t answer that. I already know the answer. You’ve already pretty much lost everything worth living for.

So I’ll be back in the office on January 7th and you can make an appointment with my assistant at that time if the socks don’t cut it. But since January 7th is a long time away, I really do suggest you try the socks first.

May the power of socks be with you,
Dr. A. Chu, MD, The Gnome

EvanGelical Discovers Gnomish Lord and Savior

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I have seen the light!

This image appeared to me in a magnificent dream I had last night after passing out from a rum binge. The enormous glowing gnome said to me,

“Hey Evan! I know you’re trying to start up a gnome religion and all and that’s cool, man. I thought I’d help point you in the right direction.

 

Read over my shoulder, why dontcha. This here glowing book lists the most important tenets of the gnome religion, for which you are destined to be a prophet.

These are the lines that I read over the glowing gnome’s shoulder:

  1. Thou shalt form religious principles from conscience, thinking and life’s experiences as a gnome.
  2. Thou shalt support freedom of religious thought among gnomes.
  3. Thou shalt consult honor nature to find peace and meaning in life as a gnome.
  4. Thou shalt consume copious amount of alcohol with other gnomes for the purposes of achieving enlightenment.

I’m pretty sure there were other “thou shalts” as well, but I got so excited that I stopped reading and ran out into the streets to proclaim the word of the gnomish lord and savior.

Crap. I forgot to ask that guy’s name. Does he go by “God” like most of the deities out there? Or does he go by something a tad more creative? Hmm. Must find out. *updates to-do list*

I found a couple sources from past gnome prophets that claim to help gnomes find spirituality, but I say they’re all rubbish. You can read for yourself! I’m not here to hide anything….I’m here to point out why the past prophets sucked and why I am the most awesome prophet so far!http://gnomopedia.comli.com/wiki/index.php/Gnome_religion
http://redtide.wikidot.com/gnome-religion

Human Christmas might be over, but the spiritual awakening of the gnomes is just beginning! I have some emails out to property managers about renting worship space. Stay tuned for my upcoming spiritual quest schedule!

Yours in light, truth, and drunken enlightenment.
EvanGelical The Prophet Gnome

A Book Review of Jennifer Zane’s “Gnome For The Holidays”!

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It’s the evening of Christmas Eve and what am I doing? Well as your gnomerhood librarian, I’m reading of course!

I just finished a delightful little novel called Gnome For The Holidays by Jennifer Zane. Roxy The Gnome recommended it to me after she gave rave reviews for Ms. Zane’s first gnome novel, Gnome On The Range.

Contrary to popular belief, I’m not your typical macho guy gnome. I like my romance novels and I’m not afraid to show it. Gnome For The Holidays is Ms. Zane’s third gnome novel.

THREE NOVELS ABOUT GNOMES! SHE’S MY HERO!

The novel is set in Bozeman, Montana and the main character is a professional graphic designer but somewhat lonesome young woman named Emma. The setting is focused at a “white elephant” Christmas gift exchange party that Emma attends. The delightful, meddling, and porn shop-owning character of Goldie plays a critical role in this third novel as well.

Goldie convinces Emma to let her pick a gift from her porn shop to bring to the   white elephant party. Much to her surprise, Emma runs into a significant man from her past at the party and a whole lot of drama is stirred up. Emma just “happens” to pick A GNOME NAMED GEORGE as her white elephant her gift. The significant man just “happens” to pick (spoiler alert!) the porn shop gift. And you’re gonna have to read the story to get the rest of the scoop.

It’s Christmas Eve for godssake….shouldn’t you be reading something holiday-related about gnomes and kinda dirty?! Check the book out on GoodReads and Amazon!

Merry freaking Christmas to you all….whether you’re celebrating in The Gnome Abode, in a hollowed out tree, or in a fictional porn shop.

xoxo,
The Quick Brown Fox, The Gnome

Why Gnomes Should Celebrate Christmas: A Rebuttal

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If you’re keeping up with your daily gnome news, you’ll remember an article from yesterday that posed the question if Christmas is a holiday for gnomes as well as humans.

I’ll agree with yesterday’s author that Christmas can be a confusing time for us. There’s plenty of elves posing as us, even know everyone knows how lame elves really are. But I have something that just may renew all of you gnomes’ faith in Christmas.

It’s a card….a Christmas card…but not just any Christmas card. It’s a Christmas card with gnomes all over it. Gnomes! A card for US!

The photo doesn’t do it justice, but there are tiny tabs on the front with numbers from 1 through 24. Each day during the month of December, I’ve pulled a tab to count down the days until Christmas. Each tab represents a gift and reminds me about the gnomish spirit of giving.

 

For example, under tab #14 was a couple of dogs. Under tab #22 was a basket mushrooms. And under tab #8 was a bouquet of flowers.

Today, the 23rd of December, offered me a church scene with large stained glass windows and candelabras. I only have one more tab to open, tomorrow for the 24th,  and then it’s Christmas day! I can’t wait to see what tomorrow’s gift is!

 

 

 

 

So even though I’m still sitting on a pumpkin (and you probably think pumpkins are out of season, which they’re NOT!), I am a huge fan of Christmas. And although our new gnome spiritual leader, Evan Gelical, hasn’t exactly converted me to religion, I still love this time of year.

So as my dad used to say, “Merry Christmas Adam!” (because tomorrow’s Eve’s day and Adam deserves his own too).

xoxo,
Lurleen Lumpkin Sitting on a Pumpkin, The Gnome