Why Gnomes Are Confused By Christmas


To get in the holiday spirit, a few of the guys and I went to this little outdoor German festival today. It was called Christkindlmarket and the town square was filled with food and craft vendors.

We were totally expecting to find and rescue new gnomes to release them from German captivity and introduce them to the clan of The Gnome Abode. I mean, shit….gnomes and Germany sort of go hand in hand.

According to the most reliable source known to us, Wikipedia, gnomes “originated in 19th century Germany, where they became known as Gartenzwerg (literally “garden dwarf”).”

Caesar, Leonardo, and I walked from booth to booth in search of gnomes in need of rescue.

“I found one!” Caesar exclaimed.

” No, look at all the gnomes over here!” Leonard yelled loudly, pushing Caesar aside.

I ran over to Caesar’s booth to find this:

“Is that really a gnome?” I asked Caesar.

“Of course it is! What else could he be? Pointy hat, riding a snail, next to a mushroom….c’mon dude,” He responded

I picked up the questionable creature and flipped him on his backside. He may have gotten a little dizzy, but I’m sure he’s fine. Much to my disbelief, the word DWARF was printed on the bottom.


Thank you, but no thank you.

I moved on to the booth that Leonardo had found. Three red-hatted creatures stared at me with wide eyes and open mouths.

“Hey, Shopkeep! Down here! Yes, all the way down here. Hey, I got a question. What are those red-hatted creatures on the shelf over yonder?”

“Well aren’t you a dumb little guy! Each of those is a Santa Claus that you stick a candle in to light it up,” the Shopkeep replied.

Santa Claus?! Again, thanks but no thanks.

We were getting discouraged by this point in the day. Why are all these things posing as gnomes when they’re not really gnomes at all?!

What are these things? Gnomes? Santas? Dwarfs? Elves?

And what about these freaking statues?! Gnomes? Father Christmas? Just some old dude bundled up?

Exhausted, confused, and pissed off, we decided to get drunk. Fortunately, a vendor selling Gluhwein, a German hot spiced wine, was nearby. After we knocked back two boots each (one for each foot, of course!), I decided to make one final attempt at finding at gnome at the market.

This time, I picked the booth to check out. I immediately saw a hanging display of gnome-like wooden creatures dangling from ribbons. They all had red hats on. Some even had mushrooms in their pockets. Surely, these must be gnomes…I thought.

I asked a kind stranger to hoist me up and checked one of the creatures’ backside. (It was decent. C’mon. Get your mind out of the gutter.) This was my one last hope for Christmas. If a Christmas market didn’t have a single gnome in it, then apparently Christmas isn’t for gnomes at all.


Goddamn Bavarian Elf. Where the hell is Bavaria and where do their elves get off pretending to be gnomes?!?!?

I gave up and knocked back two more boots of Gluhwein.

Caesar and Leonardo could tell I was down in the dumps and bought the one with the mushroom for $13 when I wasn’t looking.

The next morning, I woke with a wicked hangover and found the thing on my kitchen counter. The guys had scratched the words “Bavarian Elf” off the back and carved the word “Gnome” in with a pocketknife.

Those guys are alright.

I don’t exactly know what to make of this elf turned gnome-convert sitting on my counter, or what to make of this whole Christmas holiday either.

And this, my friends….is why gnomes are confused by Christmas.

X’smores The Gnome


Gnomes Still Patiently Waiting For World to End


Okay, so perhaps last night’s blog post was NOT our last. And okay fine, we all seem to be alive here at The Gnome Abode.

However, we gnomes are fully convinced that today is the last of all days. The Mayans had gnomes. There’s archaeological evidence to prove it. I don’t have it with me at this exact moment, but it’s gotta be lying around here somewhere.

So in the meantime, we sit…

And we wait….

With our creature friends….

Going about our normal daily activities.





Anytime now, world…..c’mon bring it!!!!

Possibly the last post of all time,
Doors Open on the Left at Clark and Lake, The Gnome


Gnomes Bunker Down, Prepare for Gnomepocalypse


Mayan prophesy is upon us!

Doomsday is tomorrow! 

Worldwide panic ensues!

This “official” human website has lots of good information about the apocalypse tomorrow. However, we’re not convinced that the apocalypse will affect only humans. Gnomes aren’t safe either! We’re on the brink of a Gnomepocalypse as well!

How are your gnomes preparing for December 21, 2012? This is just a glimpse into how we are bunkering down….

We’ve secured buckets of radioactive material to use as weapons of mass destruction. Yes, the lids are on tightly.

We have secured our own gnome-powered light sources so we can can see where the zombies are attacking us from. Better to see them than to feel them. Ew.

We’ve gathered lots of comfy pillows and blankets to hide under when the shrapnel begins to fly. We never sleep without our propane tanks near by.

We’ve made sure to stock up on lots of quality liquor and beer. Although we plan to raid the inventory of all liquor stores that survive the big blast, it’s possible that all alcohol could be destroyed 🙁 What a pity that would be! Don’t worry, we’ll be drunk when the shit goes down regardless.

And last but not least, we’ve stocked up on edible sustinance as well. See look! We have pumpkin pancakes, instant rice, and protein powder! What else could a gnome really ask for!?

So I guess this is goodbye world, from all of us drunk gnomes. We’ve loved sharing our super awesome gnomish world with you, but sadly…we fear this to be the last post from thedrunkgnome.com.

It’s been nice knowing you. Virtually, that is.

Your King and fearless gnome leader til the end of tomorrow,
Jerry The Gnome

Badass Biker Gnomes Cause Concern


Galena, Illinois markets itself as a wholesome, family friendly sort of place. But lately, it’s the absolute last place we’d let our gnome children run around.

A gang of badass biker gnomes have infiltrated northwest Illinois and don’t plan to leave anytime soon.

These exclusive photos were snapped by a master gnome scout while trying to enjoy a vacation in Galena with her husband. Their quaint vacation quickly plagued by fear of violence, lawlessness, and terror.

Due to the badass biker gnomes very recent appearance in this community, we cannot be what they are capable of or exactly how dangerous they are a this point. We are not yet even sure what the motorcycle gang calls themselves. Their activity is being closely monitored by GPD and details will be released once officially confirmed.

At this point, all we really know is that we’re freaked out. These gnomes are not like us and we’re not comfortable with their leather-wearing, sunglass-wearing, motorcycle-riding ways.

So where do these types of gnomes originate, you ask? Our first obvious guess was the South. But we did track down at least one of their points of origin. And it wasn’t too hard either. Apparently, these leather-wearing bad-mouthed degenerates are whoring themselves out on the Interweb!


So Galena, Illinois….be careful out there. While you’re wining, dining, and 69’ing with your sweetheart this holiday season…credible gnomish danger could be just around the corner, ready to slash your ceramic throat with a whip and chain.

Peace be with you, and also with you.
Kamikaze The Gnome

A Gnomish Public Service Announcement: Mental Health


When your life turns to shit…get more gnomes. Gnomes make everything better. We promise.

*This public service announcement is brought to you by the Greater Gnome Health and Wellness Advisory Board. A special shout-out goes to Target….who sells this little bugga for $44.99 (although we like to think that all gnomes are priceless).

My receptionist rescued this one and all his lamp-like glory while picking me up my bath products and oatmeal on her lunch break.

Gnomes = mental health
Mental health = gnomes

Healthily Yours,
Dr. A. Chu, MD, The Gnome