Although we don’t have many swimsuit-wearing gnomes around The Abode, we’re well aware of the famous mankini gnome.

Although this isn’t exactly NEW news, we just learned that the infamous mankini gnome is being used as a mascot for the human pharmaceutical industry. All I have to say about that is WFT?!?

The Boston Globe reported that Johnson & Johnson is using a mankini gnome to travel around as a mascot/trophy to a bunch of so-called innovation centers. This “trophy” is given to the center who was the most innovative last quarter.

LAME.

They think a captured gnome held against his will (in scantily clad attire) will get their employees to be in the “right mindset.” Praytell, exactly WHAT kinda mindset is that?

Hey major corporation, we are a small blog run by gnomes. But you’re clearly benefiting from our presence, so we kindly request your response to this post. Please explain what sort of mindset this poor, defenseless gnome is giving your employees. And stop calling us trophies! Truth be told, we’re pretty good at accounting.

And please send some Q-tips. We’ve run out.

And baby shampoo. The young gnomes’ eyes are burning.

Thanks!

Lennon the Gnome

We drunk gnomes don’t read Forbes magazine much. Most of what we do (ahem, drinking) doesn’t make a whole lot of money, so we aren’t faced with difficult decisions about what to do with our nonexistent wealth.

However, a Forbes article caught my attention today. It’s called “What South Park Can Teach You about Business: Hint – Stealing Underpants Isn’t Enough.”

Even folks who aren’t into gnomes seem to be familiar with South Park’s “underpants” episode. In the episode, gnomes are subjected to pushing carts of nasty underpants around. To recap:

• “What are you doing with all these underpants?” the boys ask.
• The gnome confidently replies, “Oh, this is just the collection phase: Phase 1.”
• “What is Phase 2?” Now the boys are getting really curious.
• The gnome doesn’t know, so he introduces them to the CEO gnome, who fires up a PowerPoint presentation.
• “We have a three-step plan for our business,” the CEO gnome proudly says as he clicks to the first slide. It says, “Phase 1: Collect Underpants.”
• He clicks for Phase 2, which we see has no strategy—just a giant question mark. Phase 2 is blank.
• He clicks again for Phase 3, and the slide reads, “Phase 3: Profit!!!” The gnomes cheer as the CEO reads this last step aloud. There is much rejoicing.

The Forbes article goes on to compare the underpants work of these gnomes to the modern human cubicle workers, who does know why he does what he does but keeps on doing it. It goes on to say that humans companies need to establish a clear vision and convey that to their employees in ways to make them give a shit.

It seems that not only humans need to give more of a shit, but gnomes do too. Why AREN’T we making more money? Why AREN’T we capitalizing on our own awesomeness? Why am I not on a boat in Maui?!

I’ve been King of The Gnome Abode for nearly two years an I can’t even afford a new pair of underpants!!!

I’m calling a town hall meeting, ya’ll. Everybody. To the big ass mushroom. NOW!

Your king,
Jerry the Gnome